Stormtrooper Performance Reviews, a Memo From the Empire

From: Human Resources ([email protected])
To: All Storm Troopers ([email protected])
Subject: Stormtrooper Performance Reviews // Spring Quarter
Date: [redacted]

Greetings, Stormtroopers, one and all!

Congratulations on making it through the spring quarter. Times have been tough what with the Rebel scum encroaching on our borders, but you’ve all proven that you’re still the best humans who can get the job done. Because you’re humans. And we’re the Empire.

Humans. Woo.

Anyway, you should all have received your individual performance evaluations in your Empire Mail (or “eMail,” according to corporate). But as we always do every quarter, we’d like to make special note of some of you who’ve gone above and beyond in your service to the Empire. So without further ado, here are the newest members of the Emperor’s List! (woo, yeah, cheers)

1. Most Accurate (Non-Human Target): TK-somethingsomething (posthumously, by default)

In the Battle of Endor, amidst throngs of savage wild native animals, rabid Rebel troopers, and the evil smuggler Han Solo (groan), TK… something or other landed a hit on outlaw droid R2-D2. It was attempting to open the blast doors of a shield facility to help carry out a terrorist attack that would have jeopardized the lives of millions of innocent crewmen aboard the Death Star Science Artificial Moon (Totally Not a Death Star). Helmets off to you, random trooper, for hitting something.

There were no other entrants for this award.

2. Most Accurate (Human Target): TK-otherguythereyeahyou (posthumously, by default)

Awarded to the trooper who lands a shot on the highest value human target. Also during the Battle of Endor, another trooper (at least we think it’s another one) landed a blow to none other than the Rebel scum princess Leia Organa. Yes, it’s okay, say it with us: ooooh, aaaaah. Unfortunately this award, just like the last one, has been given posthumously because of, well, reasons. Helmets off to you, TK-otherguythereyeahyou.

There were no other entrants for this award.

3. Bravest Trooper: TK-Orange Shoulder Pad

Yooo, what?! He faced down a Jedi and he’s still got all his limbs! YOU’RE SO COOL. We’ll have a conversation later about being a weak-minded fool but THAT IS SO COOL. Anyway, where are those droids that were in the back of the speeder? Vader wants them really bad, and he–wait, you let them what?

4. Most Communicative: TK-421 (currently MIA)

Can you believe we didn’t have any protocol for busted comm systems until TK-421? I know, right?! Thanks to him, the gesture seen here is the brand new Empire-wide signal for “Lalala, I can’t hear you.” And fun fact: he’s why a busted comm is called a code 421. Share that one with your buddies at the tavern.

5. “Quality and Safety Assurance” Award: TK-ohmygoshareyouokay

He told us he was double checking his helmet for safety. The suits totally bought it, so he’s getting the “Quality and Safety Assurance” award. Uh-huh. Okay, guy. How’s your safety-checked head feeling? Need an ice pack? A dip in the bacta tank?

Anyway, that should do it for this quarter, troopers. Accounting would like to make a special note: blaster packs are expensive, so make those shots count! If you can. It’d be nice, is what we’re saying.

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