So You Think the World Is Going to End Because of the Eclipse …

There are a lot of rumors out there about the solar eclipse—one being that this is the end of times. Connecting eclipses to bananas conspiracy theories is a time-honored tradition throughout history. So let’s debunk some.

As WIRED notes, theories include thinking CERN (European Council for Nuclear Research) is using its particle accelerator to create a black hole or a portal. That’s … obviously not true (the accelerator has been operating so it isn’t about to start doing anything) but that’s just one of the more tame ideas. Others have chosen to believe that NASA is launching rockets during the eclipse (also not true) or that the U.S. government was planning to capitalize on mass chaos and instill martial law (ditto).

There have been tamer (but still fundamentally untrue) beliefs, like that the eclipse ushering in 3-5 days of darkness or that the eclipse’s path over biblical cities is somehow of great importance. A lot of people—like way too many people—seem to genuinely believe that either on a political or religious level, today’s solar eclipse points to the end of times.

Some theories are … out there

Personally, I think the idea that NASA is performing a sex ritual is hilarious. Author/conspiracy theorist Kara Mosher took to Instagram to post that the government was launching three rockets, claiming it was all part of some larger plan. Mosher wrote “As if this eclipse can’t get any stranger, NASA will launch three rockets at the eclipse on April 8th. The NASA project is called Atmospheric Perturbations Around the Eclipse Path, or APEP, which is the name of an Egyptian serpent deity that eats the sun and embodies chaos. Apex is also called Apophis, which is where the word Apophenia comes from.”

Mosher went on to make some outrageous connections, including questioning whether or not the shooting of the rockets was the government potentially bringing on “a ritual causing mass psychosis?” The more outrageous claim that Mosher alleges is that this is all a sex magic ritual. “Sending a rocket to the moon is really just a large-scale sex magic ritual based on Osiris rising, where an obelisk brought him back to life. A rocket is like a giant obelisk, and the moon is the female aspect. Ironically, Osiris rose from the dead with his arms crossed, like an X, and this eclipse is being called the “X” eclipse.”

Politely … girl what?

As if that wasn’t weird enough, there’s a theory about the Birdman. No, not the Michael Keaton movie but a picture of what looks like a man with wings flying. Somehow that’s connected to the end of times and not just referencing an old Hey Arnold episode but alas. That was not true and was not an image from recently so no Birdman is telling us the end is here.

Good timing for fans of The Omen franchise

Well, the movie The First Omen has hit theaters and is about the birth of the Antichrist so maybe some people are just a little confused right now. A surprisingly common theory seems to be that the eclipse—a very real scientific event—can be connected back to Jesus. The idea is that Jesus will return and judge the righteous against the unjust and that you can look to the sky for answers. (Just don’t look directly at the eclipse, please.)

As of this writing, the eclipse has passed over most of the United States and there’s no word that Jesus is back or if a sex magic ritual has been brought on but I guess there’s still a little time left!

(featured image: Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures)