Let’s do this: Every song from the DNC roll call, ranked
After a first day that could have used a little juice, one of the best parts of the second day of the Democratic National Convention was white people being completely flabbergasted while trying to catch the beat during the state and U.S. territory roll call.
With DNC veteran DJ Cassidy on the ones and twos, the Democrats paid a diverse musical tribute to each state and U.S. territory. Music can set a tone for these events and has proven to be impactful as a tool for voter engagement and emotional connection.
It was fun, and many selections nailed the state’s energy and tone or were at least appropriate. But many of them were absolute basura, and whoever selected their state’s song clearly had COVID because they have no taste.
We at The Mary Sue like a good competition, so we are ranking your state’s chosen songs from worst to first.
“Oh, well, what are the criteria?” I’m glad you asked. A committee of experts (me) chose the list according to cool factor (as in a mix of current trends and timelessness), lack of obviousness (emphasizing surprising, even risky choices), commercial appeal (remember, this is a big-tent affair, no drone metal), and crowd engagement potential. This last one is critical. People need to know the song, and it should hopefully get white folks clapping furiously off-beat.
Cool? Let’s do this. The list, while not numbered, is in descending order.
The worst of the worst
Alabama – “Sweet Home Alabama” by Lynyrd Skynyrd
West Virginia – “Take Me Home (Country Roads)” by John Denver
Alaska – “Feel It Still” by Portugal. The Man
South Dakota – “What I Like About You” by The Romantics
Wyoming – “I Gotta Feeling” by Black Eyed Peas
North Dakota – “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten
New Hampshire – “Don’t Stop Believin'” by Journey
Nebraska – “Firework” by Katy Perry
Rhode Island – “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift
Good God. First of all, the Portugal. The Man song isn’t terrible, but who knows them? It’s the equivalent of that meme with the pretentious dude in the corner. “They don’t even know this was one of the best bands of the Aughts.” What does Alaska know about pretentiousness? “Firework” couldn’t be more boring if it was slathered in mayonnaise.
And Rhode Island went with a middling megastar who happens to own property in the state. Do better, Rhode Island.
Curious Choices
Northern Mariana Islands – “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
Ohio – “Green Light” by John Legend
Oklahoma – “Ain’t Goin Down (Til The Sun Comes Up)” by Garth Brooks
Puerto Rico – “Despacito” by Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee
Mississippi – “Twistin the Night Away” by Sam Cooke
Indiana – “Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough” by Michael Jackson
New Jersey – “Born in the U.S.A.” by Bruce Springsteen
U.S. Virgin Islands – “VI to the Bone” by Mic Love
Kansas – “Carry on Wayward Son” by Kansas
Michigan – “Lose Yourself” by Eminem
“Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough” isn’t a terrible choice, and Jackson is from Gary, Indiana. New Jersey could have gone with “Pump It Up” by Joe Budden.
Ohio is disappointing. John Legend is cool, but you had the O’Jays right there for you, Zapp, Heatwave, Ohio Players, or THE ISLEY BROTHERS. Lawdamercy, let’s move onward.
Middling crowd
Maryland – “Respect” by Aretha Franklin
South Carolina – “Get On Up” by James Brown
Arkansas – “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac
Tennessee – “9 to 5” by Dolly Parton
Maine – “Shut Up and Dance” by Walk the Moon
Delaware – “Higher Love” by Whitney Houston and Kygo
New Mexico – “Confident” by Demi Lovato
Arizona – “Edge of Seventeen” by Stevie Nicks
Idaho – “Private Idaho” by The B-52s
Guam – “Espresso” by Sabrina Carpenter
Utah – “Animal” by Neon Trees
Montana – “American Woman” by Lenny Kravitz
Now That’s What I Call DNC Music!
Connecticut – “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” by Stevie Wonder
Iowa – “Celebration” by Kool & the Gang
Pennsylvania – “Motownphilly” by Boyz II Men
Virginia – “The Way I Are” by Timbaland
Florida – “Won’t Back Down” by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
Massachusetts – “I’m Shipping Up to Boston” by Dropkick Murphys
Illinois – “Sirius” by Alan Parsons Project
Colorado – “September” by Earth, Wind & Fire
Oregon – “Float On” by Modest Mouse
Washington – “Can’t Hold Us” by Macklemore
Colorado did their big one with “September.” The only questionable song is “The Way I Are.” Seriously? For the Democratic National Convention? The easy pick is “Grindin'” by Clipse. I don’t care if the song is about dealing drugs. Nope. La-La-La-La-La. I can’t hear you.
Down to the nitty-gritty
Hawaii – “24K Magic” by Bruno Mars
Kentucky – “First Class” by Jack Harlow
Vermont – “Stick Season” by Noah Kahan
Missouri – “Good Luck, Babe” by Chappell Roan
North Carolina – “Raise Up” by Petey Pablo
Wisconsin – “Jump Around” by House of Pain
Nevada – “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers
Louisiana – “All I Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled
Texas – “TEXAS HOLD ‘EM” by Beyoncé
Lukewarm on Harlow, but he apparently gets the people going. But Texas got it right, and Louisiana got it wrong. Not mad at the song; Khaled is from New Orleans. It’s just that you have No Limit and Cash Money “for the ’99 and the 2000.“
The Bangers
Washington D.C. – “Let me Clear my Throat” by DJ Kool
Minnesota – “Kiss” by Prince
Georgia – “Turn Down for What” by Lil’ Jon
New York – “Empire State of Mind” by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys
California – “The Next Episode” by Dr. Dre ft. Snoop Dogg, “California Love” by Tupac Shakur, featuring Dr. Dre, and “Not Like Us” by Kendrick Lamar
Lil’ Jon! I mean, come on. But California was the clear winner, though they cheated to claim the top spot with three songs. But fortunately, it was the right three tracks, a mixture of timelessness and timeliness.
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