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Let’s do this: Every song from the DNC roll call, ranked

DJ Cassidy performs at the DNC

After a first day that could have used a little juice, one of the best parts of the second day of the Democratic National Convention was white people being completely flabbergasted while trying to catch the beat during the state and U.S. territory roll call.

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With DNC veteran DJ Cassidy on the ones and twos, the Democrats paid a diverse musical tribute to each state and U.S. territory. Music can set a tone for these events and has proven to be impactful as a tool for voter engagement and emotional connection.

It was fun, and many selections nailed the state’s energy and tone or were at least appropriate. But many of them were absolute basura, and whoever selected their state’s song clearly had COVID because they have no taste.

We at The Mary Sue like a good competition, so we are ranking your state’s chosen songs from worst to first.

“Oh, well, what are the criteria?” I’m glad you asked. A committee of experts (me) chose the list according to cool factor (as in a mix of current trends and timelessness), lack of obviousness (emphasizing surprising, even risky choices), commercial appeal (remember, this is a big-tent affair, no drone metal), and crowd engagement potential. This last one is critical. People need to know the song, and it should hopefully get white folks clapping furiously off-beat.

Cool? Let’s do this. The list, while not numbered, is in descending order.

The worst of the worst

Alabama – “Sweet Home Alabama” by Lynyrd Skynyrd

West Virginia – “Take Me Home (Country Roads)” by John Denver

Alaska – “Feel It Still” by Portugal. The Man

South Dakota – “What I Like About You” by The Romantics

Wyoming – “I Gotta Feeling” by Black Eyed Peas

North Dakota – “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten

New Hampshire – “Don’t Stop Believin'” by Journey

Nebraska – “Firework” by Katy Perry

Rhode Island – “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift

Good God. First of all, the Portugal. The Man song isn’t terrible, but who knows them? It’s the equivalent of that meme with the pretentious dude in the corner. “They don’t even know this was one of the best bands of the Aughts.” What does Alaska know about pretentiousness? “Firework” couldn’t be more boring if it was slathered in mayonnaise.

And Rhode Island went with a middling megastar who happens to own property in the state. Do better, Rhode Island.

Curious Choices

Northern Mariana Islands – “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell

Ohio – “Green Light” by John Legend

Oklahoma – “Ain’t Goin Down (Til The Sun Comes Up)” by Garth Brooks

Puerto Rico – “Despacito” by Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee

Mississippi – “Twistin the Night Away” by Sam Cooke

Indiana – “Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough” by Michael Jackson

New Jersey – “Born in the U.S.A.” by Bruce Springsteen

U.S. Virgin Islands – “VI to the Bone” by Mic Love

Kansas – “Carry on Wayward Son” by Kansas

Michigan – “Lose Yourself” by Eminem

“Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough” isn’t a terrible choice, and Jackson is from Gary, Indiana. New Jersey could have gone with “Pump It Up” by Joe Budden.

Ohio is disappointing. John Legend is cool, but you had the O’Jays right there for you, Zapp, Heatwave, Ohio Players, or THE ISLEY BROTHERS. Lawdamercy, let’s move onward.

Middling crowd

Maryland – “Respect” by Aretha Franklin

South Carolina – “Get On Up” by James Brown

Arkansas – “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac

Tennessee – “9 to 5” by Dolly Parton

Maine – “Shut Up and Dance” by Walk the Moon

Delaware – “Higher Love” by Whitney Houston and Kygo

New Mexico – “Confident” by Demi Lovato

Arizona – “Edge of Seventeen” by Stevie Nicks

Idaho – “Private Idaho” by The B-52s

Guam – “Espresso” by Sabrina Carpenter

Utah – “Animal” by Neon Trees

Montana – “American Woman” by Lenny Kravitz

Now That’s What I Call DNC Music!

Connecticut – “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” by Stevie Wonder

Iowa – “Celebration” by Kool & the Gang

Pennsylvania – “Motownphilly” by Boyz II Men

Virginia – “The Way I Are” by Timbaland

Florida – “Won’t Back Down” by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers

Massachusetts – “I’m Shipping Up to Boston” by Dropkick Murphys

Illinois – “Sirius” by Alan Parsons Project

Colorado – “September” by Earth, Wind & Fire

Oregon – “Float On” by Modest Mouse

Washington – “Can’t Hold Us” by Macklemore

Colorado did their big one with “September.” The only questionable song is “The Way I Are.” Seriously? For the Democratic National Convention? The easy pick is “Grindin'” by Clipse. I don’t care if the song is about dealing drugs. Nope. La-La-La-La-La. I can’t hear you.

Down to the nitty-gritty

Hawaii – “24K Magic” by Bruno Mars

Kentucky – “First Class” by Jack Harlow

Vermont – “Stick Season” by Noah Kahan

Missouri – “Good Luck, Babe” by Chappell Roan

North Carolina – “Raise Up” by Petey Pablo

Wisconsin – “Jump Around” by House of Pain

Nevada – “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers

Louisiana – “All I Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled

Texas – “TEXAS HOLD ‘EM” by Beyoncé

Lukewarm on Harlow, but he apparently gets the people going. But Texas got it right, and Louisiana got it wrong. Not mad at the song; Khaled is from New Orleans. It’s just that you have No Limit and Cash Money “for the ’99 and the 2000.

The Bangers

Washington D.C. – “Let me Clear my Throat” by DJ Kool

Minnesota – “Kiss” by Prince

Georgia – “Turn Down for What” by Lil’ Jon

New York – “Empire State of Mind” by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys

California – “The Next Episode” by Dr. Dre ft. Snoop Dogg, “California Love” by Tupac Shakur, featuring Dr. Dre, and “Not Like Us” by Kendrick Lamar

Lil’ Jon! I mean, come on. But California was the clear winner, though they cheated to claim the top spot with three songs. But fortunately, it was the right three tracks, a mixture of timelessness and timeliness.

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Author
Kahron Spearman
Kahron Spearman is an Austin-based writer and a contributing writer for The Mary Sue. Kahron brings experience from The Austin Chronicle, Texas Highways Magazine, and Texas Observer. Be sure to follow him on his existential substack (kahron.substack.com) or X (@kahronspearman) for more.

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