‘Baldur’s Gate 3’ Is Putting Me in a Bisexual Headlock and I Do Not Appreciate It!
Have I earned my meganerd card yet?
Video games do something weird to me. In real life, I’m a very good girl, who stays in her lane and takes care of the people she dates. Getting reckless and careless with peoples’ feelings is something I go to great pains not to do, and while I might be a little flirty for fun, I never cross lines deliberately. What definitely helps is the fact that I seldom experience strong enough attraction to even want to cross lines.
In games, though … in games, I very much enjoy crossing those lines. Being a slutty little elf is my bread and butter. When a game has multiple well-written romances, I can’t help but put my grubby little elf paws all over the place. This doesn’t always happen—for instance, I have a hard time romancing anyone other than Alistair in Dragon Age: Origins—but for the most part, I’ve started to make a habit of having my cake and eating it, too. Usually, I can bank on the game forcing me to make a choice later on, once I’ve gotten to see the majority of either character’s romance and decide who I like best then.
Yes, it’s dastardly, capricious, and so on. But it also makes the game more fun. Kaidan and Thane, Sebille and Ifan, Daeran and Lann … to quote Natalie Portman in that one SNL video, I never said I was a role model.
Yet, in a stroke of annoyance to the utmost degree, Baldur’s Gate 3 is proving to be the first game to call me on my bullshit preemptively. In doing so, it’s inciting my bisexual panic waaaaay too prematurely for me to know what to do with. And I gotta be real with y’all: I don’t like that one bit!
Goth Babe vs. Liberal Arts TA
*Mild character spoilers*
In one corner, we have Shadowheart: a fellow half-elf who I keep in my party 24/7, not just because she’s the only person with healing spells, but because she’s very pretty and she likes me a lot. In fact, she likes my character so much that it took only a week to reveal her innermost traumas to her. Sapphic speed-dating is alive and well in fantasy worlds as well, it would seem.
In the other corner, we have Gale: a wizard who initially had a funny, brotherly rapport with my sorcerer, who negged him for fun. But at a certain point, it became negging for real. Gale tickled that part of my brain that enjoys fun wordplay and witty banter, and that little earring of his certainly didn’t help.
What made things worse was the fact that Gale’s romance in early access was incredibly hard to activate, so I wasn’t really expecting it to happen so easily in the full game. Still, even as it progressed, and he and my character had our little moments, I still kept things going with Shadowheart, since I’m all about my own bullshit.
Eventually, we beat the First Major Baddies, so we threw our First Major Party. This is the point where most players have their First Major Romance Scene, as well. Gale, however, was afraid that if he got his rocks off, the bomb in his chest would go off, too. By contrast, Shadowheart offered a bottle of wine and a cute queer night. I had a choice between pining for Gale in my sleep or having a drink with the hot goth, so I obviously chose the latter.
Afterwards, I figured that was it, the game had locked me in (for now). Then, Act 2 started.
Suddenly, both Gale and Shadowheart got major character development. The former received a gruesome missive from a goddess, while the latter started down a path of religious fulfillment. Just when things were starting to get truly interesting with the latter, the former asked if we could hang out, just the two of us.
In the end, “hanging out” meant a love confession, followed by a trip through a dream, and ending in one of the wildest sex scenes I’ve ever seen in a video game. What was I gonna do, say no??? You bet your ass I slept with Gale. I spent all of early access trying to figure out how to make this guy tick! I had to see this through!
Shadowheart was surprisingly cool with it, provided we break up immediately! Though this is a game that offers poly partners, it only abides by polyamory if it makes sense with the characters involved. Alas, Gale is not such a character. So suddenly, right before we get Shadowheart’s Big Character Developing Moment, I’m forced to make a choice.
Y’all, making choices SUUUUUCKS. And so early in the game, too! Is this an example of Larian Studios’ writers being great and realistic? Yes, absolutely, hold my devious ass accountable! But is it also incredibly annoying? YES! I wanted more time before having to decide! I don’t know whether I want to be a magic power couple OR a half-elf power couple yet! There’s literally no wrong answer here, and that’s almost worse!!
Choices, choices …
The thing that really grinds my gears is the fact that Shaddy won’t get back with you if you break up with Gale (trust me, I tried). So the game really does want you to choose, commit, and stick with it.
I feel so silly being so indecisive over a video game, of all things, but it’s also a testament to Larian’s excellent writing that I’ve genuinely been stumped over this for two days. Both characters are engrossing and full of storytelling potential, and the way that you can roleplay your own character in this game only further serves this.
Just like with real life, I’ve gotta make my bed and lie in it. I’ve gotta be a digital good girl now. Humbug. Harumph, even.
(featured image: Larian Studios)
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