The Best Werewolf Movies Ever, Ranked
*You’re back in middle school. It’s the first day of Sex Ed. The teacher writes a word you don’t know, “Puberty” on the blackboard and begins her lesson*
Puberty is an exciting, yet perplexing time in a young person’s life. You’ll go through so many changes, it’s almost like a complete transformation. You’ll soon become a hairy, slobbering, animalistic thing with absolutely no control over your desires. Like a werewolf! Yes, you’ll all turn into a pack of teen wolves! *titters*
So, to celebrate your upcoming transformations, I’m giving you all a special assignment! I’ve ranked the best werewolf movies of all time, and I’d like you all to write a report on how each of these movies relates to you.
Let’s go over them, shall we?
15. The Curse of the Werewolf
Terence Fisher’s The Curse of a Werewolf is a scary little flick from the 60s, but the action takes place in the 1700s! That’s right! People have been going through these kinds of “changes” since long before you kids were born! This film tells the story of a young man named Leon, who was born on Christmas Day. People believe that being born on such a date will cause him to lead a cursed life. How wrong they were! The circumstances surrounding the young man’s birth cause him to grow into a big, hairy wolfman! How lucky! The only problem is, the surrounding townsfolk don’t seem to think so.
14. Silver Bullet
Daniel Attias’ Silver Bullet is inspired by a Stephen King story called Cycle of the Werewolf. And if Steve King knows anything about anything, it’s puberty! The film is about a paraplegic boy named Marty who is convinced that a werewolf is stalking his sleepy little town. After his sister builds Marty a wheelchair that doubles as a sweet motorcycle, they head to stop the monster!
13. Wolf
How did A-list actor Jack Nicholson end up in Mike Nichols’ campy horror/drama film Wolf? Your guess is as good as mine! After a middle-aged book salesman is bitten by a werewolf, he begins to experience a pep in his step that he hasn’t felt since he was a teenager! And he uses it to eat would-be muggers in Central Park!
12. Trick’r Treat
Michael Dougherty’s Trick’r Treat is an anthology horror film about Halloween legends, but its werewolf story is one of the best around! Dressed as Little Red Riding Hood, a young girl named Laurie gets ready to go to a Halloween party with her friends. Along the way, they tease her and tell her to find a man at the party so she can have her “first time”. On the way to the party, she finds herself stalked by a masked man, but the real wolf in this situation is not who it seems!
11. Late Phases
Adrián García Bogliano’s Late Phases seems like a werewolf film on the surface, but really it’s about father/son bonding! After all, who better to talk a young man through all the changes his body is going through than dear old dad? After the dear old dad in this film is moved into a retirement home by his estranged son, he realizes that the community is haunted by a werewolf. Father and son will have to team up in order to defeat the beast, and in doing so wrestle with an even bigger monster: male/male intimacy.
10. Teen Wolf
Teen Wolf is a clever little film about a nice young basketball player who begins undergoing some mysterious changes himself! He grows hair all over his body, and initially, it makes him so afraid that he quits his basketball team! Later at a party, he starts experiencing some urges towards one of the girls in his class, and it causes his hands to turn into claws! He goes home and talks to his father about it (something you boys should all do) and his father tells him that he too is a werewolf!
9. Wolfen
Now this movie is a little bit … scarier. But I assure you, puberty is nothing to be afraid of! As you experience these “changes” in your body, you might find yourself getting a little… emotional. You might find you want to yell into a pillow or punch a wall. You might even find that you want to maul a person to death. But don’t do that now! Or else you’ll turn up like the werewolf in this film! This werewolf attracts the attention of an NYPD detective on the mean streets of New York City who is trying to solve a series of grisly animal attacks! Wouldn’t want to end up in jail now, would you?
8. The Wolf of Snow Hollow
Here’s another film about a werewolf who couldn’t control their urges and becomes the target of law enforcement! Except this movie takes place in a little mountain town in Utah! See, it’s not just big city people who go become werewolves—I mean, experience puberty. Everybody does it! The unfortunate thing for these townspeople is that one particular werewolf isn’t doing a very good job of controlling their new urges. The results aren’t pretty. But I know you students can do better!
7. Werewolves Within
This goofy little movie is all the more proof that there’s a werewolf in all of us! It’s about another small little town (I’m sensing a theme!) that begins to experience a number of mysterious maulings in the night. First, a poor little doggie is killed, then people start turning up dead. The townspeople eventually start to lose trust in each other, and accusations are thrown about. Eventually, the werewolf isn’t the only thing in the little town that turns to violence. May this movie be a lesson for you to be patient with your peers, even if one of you turns up dead. After all, they’re going through the same thing you are!
6. The Howling
The Howling is another movie on this list that’s on the darker side. It’s about a news anchor named Karen who suffers amnesia while she’s helping the police catch a serial killer who’s been stalking her. At the urging of her therapist, she and her husband go away to a sleepy little therapeutic resort to rest and recuperate. Eventually, Karen and her husband begin to experience strange goings-on at the resort, as the people there may all be suffering from a supernatural sort of ailment, if you catch my drift. But don’t worry, children, puberty isn’t supernatural. It just feels like you’re turning into a hideous monster sometimes.
5. Dog Soldiers
Sometimes, children, puberty is going to feel like a war that you’re fighting with yourself. You versus the ferocious and uncontrollable beast inside of you. You simply have to soldier on, just like the brave men in this film! They’re a group of soldiers who quite literally have to fight a horde of ferocious beasts. The film is about a squad of British soldiers who come across the scene of a massacre while on a training exercise on a full-moonlit night. The men realize that something is hunting them, and they have to take shelter in a spooky old farmhouse to wait out the night. Maybe we should lock you all in farmhouses in order to protect you from yourselves!
4. The Company of Wolves
When experiencing puberty, you may find that you start having certain kinds of dreams. If these dreams are about some teen heart-throb on the TikTok, that’s normal. However, if they’re about being chased by slavering packs of feral canines, that might be something to tell an adult about. But you’re not alone! Because that’s exactly what happens to the heroine of this film! Eventually, this young lady meets a handsome hunter in the forest, and discovers that she has an animalistic attraction to him! Again, this is totally normal! Unless of course supernatural wolves are involved. In which case, please see your guidance counselor.
3. Ginger Snaps
Oh, this is one of the best coming-of-age werewolf movies there is! It’s about two young women named Ginger and Bridgette who live in a sleepy little part of suburbia. One night, Ginger gets something called her “period.” It’s something we’re going to cover in detail later, but, um … blood is involved. The scent of her blood causes her to be attacked by a creature in the night. However, she discovers that the next day her wounds have all healed! Her sister Bridgette senses that something is wrong, however, and has to figure out a way to save Ginger from the lupine fate that awaits her!
2. The Wolf Man
If you learn anything from this film, children, it’s that people have been going through puberty for generations, even those old-timey people who talk in those funny accents! It’s about a man who, due to his unstrained urges, buys an antique silver cane in order to impress the cute shopkeeper. As he is walking home, he is attacked by a wolf! He thwacks it to death with his fancy new cane, but he later learns that he has actually murdered a man! Later on, he meets a Romani woman who tells him that he killed her son and that he is now a werewolf! Let it be a lesson to you, children, never spend money on “drip” in order to “stunt” on a “shortie.” You’ll only end up hurting yourself!
1. An American Werewolf In London
Here it is, children, the greatest werewolf film of all time! The film was probably inspired by a very talented man named Warren Zevon, who wrote what you children would call a “banger” about werewolves in the United Kingdom! It’s about two young men named Jack and David who are attacked by a wolf while backpacking through the British countryside on a moonlit night. Poor Jack is killed by the wolf, while the other boy David survives. However, David soon begins having some strange dreams! He begins dreaming about his best friend (something many of you children may soon experience for yourselves) who warns David that he didn’t come out of the attack unscathed. David is cursed to go through a series of extraordinary changes himself!
Just like you adorable children are cursed to turn into filthy teenagers! The film features perhaps the greatest werewolf transformation ever recorded, and the sequence is set to another “banger” called “Bad Moon Rising,” written by Mr. John Fogarty of Creedence Clearwater Revival. My stars, I sure had some urges having to do with that man when I was your age!
Well children, I certainly hope that clears up some of your questions about puberty. Now, if you all will please open your textbooks to page – oh no! I’ll have none of that eye-rolling sass! Like you, I’m rather tired myself. I had a rather late night last night. I can simply never sleep during a full moon, but I haven’t the faintest idea why!
*burps up a human ear*
On second thought, class dismissed.
(featured image: Universal Pictures)
Have a tip we should know? tips@themarysue.com
