There is No God But There Is This Come Sponge

The Perpetual Hellscape that has been 2019 is almost over but it still has one more trick to throw at us – or in this case, up inside us.

That’s right vagina having folx – a new and terrible “hygiene” product has been unleashed upon the world. This time it is what appears to be a tampopsicle, a sponge on a stick, for you to stick up your hoo-ha to help clean up all of the loose semen spilling out of you after sex. Because why avoid the problem all together (and prevent STI’s and pregnancy) by using a CONDOM when you can turn yourself into a human creamsicle instead!?

According to the website, the founder was inspired to create “Come&gone” by her own frustrations with her unprotected sex life:

“Come&gone was born out of a personal problem. A really, really personal problem. I was so tired of tactically rolling off the bed, sprinting to the bathroom, hovering over the toilet, and using gobs of toilet paper in an attempt to clean myself up after sex. Every single time I was stuck in the bathroom wiping up what felt like an endless amount of aftermath, I would wonder to myself, why hasn’t anyone come up with a solution for this?! I can’t be the only one to dread the post-sex clean up ritual?! Whyyy?!”

Of course the internet, (and myself) have a lot of questions. Why is it taking 20 minutes to clean up? Why is it taking an entire roll of toilet paper? Just how much semen is her partner (or partners) producing? Maybe her partner needs to see a doctor? Does she know that she still needs to pee right after sex? Won’t it just push the sperm further up, increasing the risk of pregnancy? But mostly just WHY? WHY GOD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN US?

Naturally the reactions on Twitter, especially to this horrifying user review (please don’t read if you are at all squeamish), are … Heated. Especially learning that the sponges cost around $10 A PIECE. (Capitalism is the true f*ckboy of 2019).

Now generally, I am not one to tell people what they can and can’t do with their body/genitals, but this falls under the “Gwyneth Paltrow recommending jade eggs for your vagina” and “literal douche bags” clause of DEAR GOD PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF.

Safe and healthy alternatives:

1. Make your sexy time partner wear a condom
2. Put down a towel
3. Pee immediately after (you should be doing this anyways)
4. It really doesn’t take a whole roll of TP to clean
5. If for some reason it does, you should both go see your doctors
6. Really, please, just talk to your OB/GYN. They will give good advice on this subject.

I propose a universal New Year’s resolution for 2020 my vagina-havers: Don’t let a business convince you to stick anything up your cooch! Healthy vags for all in 2020!

(Photo: come&gone.com)

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Brittany Knupper

Brittany is a lifelong Californian (it's a big state, she can't find her way out!) who currently resides in sunny Los Angeles with her gigantic, vaguely cat-shaped companion Gus. If you stumble upon her she might begin proselytizing about Survivor, but give her an iced coffee and she will calm down.