It’s the First Week of 2022 and We Got Thousand-Dollar Farts in a Jar Leading to Hospitalization and NFTs

I legitimately don’t know how to start this piece so I’m just going to share the tweet from Metro UK that led me here.

I will also share the final part of the tweet thread, which solidified my position of Whiskey Tentacle Foxtrot.

Ok.

The fart that started it all

Let me start this out by saying that everyone is allowed to spend their money in whatever way they see fit. I can’t tell you what to do with your cash, that’s something between you and whatever God you worship (or don’t).

That being said.

Jars of fart that sell for one THOUSAND dollars sound like something from a cartoon that’s meant to gross you out.

But you do you.

According to Metro UK, Stephanie Matto (of 90 Day Fiance notoriety) was making money by selling her farts. I guess there was a period of time where demand was so high that she was producing 50 jars a week?

She added that she loves to read while ‘waiting for those farts to develop’, before unloading into a jar with a few petals thrown in to really ‘attach the scent’, which apparently is the strongest in the first two days – so bad news for those whose orders get stuck at customs.

Stephanie also told Buzzfeed: ‘Working on my own adult-friendly platform these past few months has made me very aware of the different types of niches and markets that are out there.

‘Over the years, I’ve gotten a few messages from men and women wanting to buy my worn bras, panties, hair, bath water, etc. I thought farts were super niche, but also something fun, quirky, and different. It’s almost like a novelty item!’

I…

Um.

Make that money, honey?

Too much of a good(?????) thing

Yesterday, Metro UK reported that, according to Jam Press, Matto thought she was “having a stroke” and had to be rushed to the hospital.

Stephanie, 31, recalled how she consumed three protein shakes and a huge bowl of black bean soup in one day, before feeling that ‘something was not right’ with a pressure in her stomach that moved upwards throughout her body.

‘It was quite hard to breathe and every time I tried to breathe in I’d feel a pinching sensation around my heart,’ she explained.

‘And that, of course, made my anxiety escalate. I actually called my friend and asked if they could come over to drive me to the hospital because I thought I was experiencing a heart attack.’

Stephanie, who hails from Connecticut, arrived at the hospital later that evening but didn’t tell the doctors about her unique career – only the changes made to her diet.

Ma’am. If this is your bread and butter why not tell doctors the truth? You fart for a living now – decorative jar included (okay actually it’s not that decorative). Don’t be ashamed, girl, just let it out.

That may or may not be the only fart pun you get from me in this piece.

Matto went on to say that what she was experiencing wasn’t a stroke or heart attack, but, “Very intense gas pains.” The doctor’s advice? Change her diet and take gas suppressant medication.

And thus concludes her short-lived, lucrative career as a professional wind breaker, as it has become detrimental to her health.

Yeah, I’m gonna be honest, I’m not sure why she was making herself fart to the point that it hurt her body instead of just doing what these tweets suggest. Then again, maybe she didn’t want to deceive potential buyers or… something.

However, there’s still a way for her to safely cut the cheese – okay I’m done with the puns it’s hurting my spirit.

“Digital artworks on the blockchain.”

If you’re someone who was hoping to obtain a jar of farts from Matto (or is it a singular fart in a jar, I dunno the ratio of “fart” and “jar” here) then you’ll be happy to know that you can get one as a digital artwork “on the blockchain.”

That’s right. Matto is turning her gas into NFTs.

This decision has been rather divisive, as to be expected when you bring up NFTs (or NFTs of jars of fart), and Matto had this to say via Jam Press:

“I have a lot of people praising me, calling me a girl boss, telling me that I inspire them to be unashamed of who they are and what they do. But on the other end I have been getting a ton of negativity. I have even received death threats, people telling me I should end my life, and so on. I try my best to not react to these people and give them what they want, which is attention. In this day and age, we need to stop tearing people down for their choices.  Especially if their choices are literally hurting no one. I think there is a lot of jealousy and a lot of anti-feminism. Everyone is a feminist until a woman starts farting in jars and selling it. But I think my family is relieved [about my retirement], and honestly so is my colon. The diet was never sustainable and there was always an expiration date.”

I mean… sure, I guess? But isn’t the point to own the actual jar? And have the actual fart? From the woman whose fart you wish to own?

I’ve got nothing left in me so I’ll just end it with this:

(Image: ONE/Yusuke Murata)

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Briana Lawrence

Briana (she/her - bisexual) is trying her best to cosplay as a responsible adult. Her writing tends to focus on the importance of representation, whether it’s through her multiple book series or the pieces she writes. After de-transforming from her magical girl state, she indulges in an ever-growing pile of manga, marathons too much anime, and dedicates an embarrassing amount of time to her Animal Crossing pumpkin patch (it's Halloween forever, deal with it Nook)

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