Home Depot’s 12-Foot Skeleton Walked So Their Colossal Crustacean Could Walk Sideways

Home Depot continues to be the place to go to fulfill your dreams of being the neighbor with the house that makes drivers slow down so they can stare at it and go, “Double U, Tee, Eff.” The home improvement store is known for its 12-foot skeleton (though some folks have taken their bone decor to unbelievable heights), but the Halloween decoration (that I’d never take down) isn’t the only way you can turn your house into something that gets tweeted about.

“We provide everything but the butter“

Anh Dang, a concept artist for League of Legends, tweeted about a particularly crabby addition for our homes and gardens. Despite the screencaps, I thought it was a joke, but after Googling “Home Depot Crab” I was immediately taken to the listing of the $1539 item (though they suggest monthly payments of $257 with their credit card). “Hand-cast with real crushed stone bonded with designer resin,” says the description. “Perfect for your home or garden.” I would absolutely put a Live, Laugh, Love sign in this guy’s pinchers.

We provide everything but the butter. Our exclusive, larger-than-life Colossal Crustacean Giant King Crab statue is a perfect visual delicacy near a pond, bar or pool. Complete with pinchers, claws and nested legs, this titanic Crab sculpture boasts a 6 ft. W, easily spotted in deep seas or in your party room. Our humongous replica King Crab statue is cast in quality designer resin, reinforced for supreme strength with fiberglass and hand-painted with powerfully convincing color and texture to be as faithful as possible to the form of its ancient species. Our Design Toscano-exclusive display-quality Colossal Crustacean King Crab sculpture transforms any home, garden, restaurant or hotel into something truly magnificent. Another breathtaking deep sea statue from Toscano. 74.50 in. W x 51.50 in. D x 15.50 in. H, 89 lbs.

There are a lot of questions about the crab on the website, mostly about whether or not it’ll scare away owls? The best part, as Dang mentions, is the customer reviews. “Being a single 37-year-old woman realizing I’ll never get married, means I needed something to fill the void in my life,” reads one review on the site with the title Emotional Support. “This definitely fills the gaping hole. He’s my emotional support crab. Just takes up space, and doesn’t move unless I pick him up and move him myself. But boy he is pretty. Exactly how I imagine any man to be.”

Awwwww. That guy’s got a good shell on him.

If $1500 is too much try the crab chair

One of the items that are recommended with the giant crustacean (alongside an alien, triceratops, and a smaller crap) is a chair. The Giant Red King Crab Sculptural Chair is just below $1000 at $985.10 (or suggested payments of $165 a month with the Home Depot credit card).

Seen at some of the balmy Spice Islands most exclusive getaway retreats, our exotic approach to seating will make a grand-scale statement poolside or in your garden. Complete with pinchers, claws and 8 wide-set legs, this whimsical crab sculpture boasts an ample garden chair with deep-seated comfort. Cast in fiberglass-reinforced resin and hand-painted 1-piece at a time, this clever approach to seating is as you’d expect found only at Toscano. This large-scale, display-quality animal furniture piece easily transforms any garden, pool area, restaurant or hotel into something truly magnificent. 44 in. W x 29 in. D x 28 in. H, 117 lbs.

While the chair doesn’t have as many reviews, the ones on there are pretty hilarious. A review titled Back Deck Crab reads, “Bought this chair to put on our back deck. It’s a little weird as it looks like it’s peeking through our window and night. Hubby tried to turn it to face another way, but it keeps returning to its original positioning. Help. Haunted crab chair?” Naw, not haunted, just crab.

Another review is a bit more wholesome, going into detail about how the chair was bought for a Pediatric office and how the kids are gonna love it. What gives me pause with that particular review is the fact that it dates back to 2017. Does that mean this chair has been available for FIVE YEARS?! Why did no one tell me???

(Featured image: Nickelodeon/Home Depot/edit by Briana Lawrence)

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Briana Lawrence

Briana (she/her - bisexual) is trying her best to cosplay as a responsible adult. Her writing tends to focus on the importance of representation, whether it’s through her multiple book series or the pieces she writes. After de-transforming from her magical girl state, she indulges in an ever-growing pile of manga, marathons too much anime, and dedicates an embarrassing amount of time to her Animal Crossing pumpkin patch (it's Halloween forever, deal with it Nook)

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