Soccer Mom Explains Why This Tank Is Her Perfect New Car
Warning: extreme sarcasm ahead
My name is Karen Smith, and I am a soccer mom.
Some little girls dream of growing up to marry lawyers, so they can get ride the horses their husbands get paid with . Other little girls dream of marrying doctors, so they can live in a nice house and go on little science fiction adventures. But I always knew that I would marry a man who peaked in high school and wants to live vicariously through the athletic success of his children—and I’m the perfect partner to help him do it. I’m a soccer mom, and I love driving my kids to and from practice, whether they want to go or not.
And now, I have the perfect vehicle to do it.
When it comes to the safety of my kids, I made sure my husband spared no expense. That’s why I had him buy me the Rezvani Vengeance. What is the Rezvani Vengeance? Technically it’s an SUV, but in reality, it’s a squirrel-squashing, deer-smashing tank that will keep me and my children safe from all of those Antifa types! After all, the police are militarizing more and more every day, so why shouldn’t civilians also be allowed to use lethal force indiscriminately? Well, for those of us with husbands who can afford it, we can.
The Rezvani Vengeance: The perfect vehicle for suburban warfare
Oh where do I even begin?
First of all, the Rezvani Vengeance is covered roof to chassis in armor. That way, whenever I’m pulling into a tight spot in the school parking lot, I don’t have to worry about making an unsightly scratch on the side of the car if I take off someone’s mirror. It won’t even leave a mark! Additionally, the windows are made of bulletproof glass. I live in far too nice a neighborhood to be worried about gun violence, but this way I’ll never have to worry about a cracked pane if some youths decide to egg my car. The underside of the car offers explosive protection against military-grade ordinance and certainly won’t bottom out whenever I fly over a speed-bump or pull up onto the curb.
The bumper of the car is made of high-grade steel. All sorts of deer live in the golf course and like to jump out into the road. If I’m driving my children home late one night and one of those bucks gets any big ideas, you best be SURE that the buck stops there. Maybe in multiple places, depending on how fast I’m going. It’s him or me!
The car also features magnetic deadbolts on the inside, so I know that I’m SAFE if ever a homeless man decides to beg for change while I’m waiting at a red light. And if he doesn’t leave me alone, the car comes equipped with a pepper spray dispenser (I’m not making this up) on each side mirror! If the worst should happen and he makes a grab for the door handle, I’m not worried! The door handles are electrified, and will administer a high-voltage shock to any bum that puts his grubby hands on them! That’ll make the homeless think twice before asking for the quarters rolling around in my triple XL cupholders! Oh and did I mention the cupholders!? There are two in front and two in back, the perfect size for a coffee mug filled with Pinot Noir. I’ve gotta get through soccer practice somehow! They also allow for enough space for my kids to hold their alcoholic beverages. If they’re going to drink, I’d rather them do it with me! I’m a Cool Mom™.
This car is also perfect for dealing with all those pesky traffic laws. Sometimes when I’m driving home at night after a long day of watching my kids kick a ball around, I don’t feel like waiting for the red light. If there’s no one else around, I should be within my rights to gun the Supercharged V8 Turbo Diesel Engine and blast through that sucker. But as fast as this car goes, those damn speed cameras are faster (trust me, I’ve tried!) Luckily, the Rezvani Vengeance also comes equipped with a smoke screen! Yes, a smoke screen! All I need to do is hit the smoke screen switch while I’m flooring it through the intersection! The smoke is so thick, the speed camera isn’t able to see my license plate! Must have been some other mom with a Rezvanio Vengeance who ran that red! It certainly wasn’t me! And if any silly old police officer sees and tries to pull me over, I can make a quick escape by blinding him with the strobe lights on top of the car! In case he manages to get my license plate number before his vision is permanently damaged and I get a court summons, I can use the footage from my Rezvani’s all-angle video recording system to prove that I was within my rights all along!
If things ever get really ugly, like the Antifa people try to overthrow the government, you can bet your sweet bottom that I’m going hightail it inside of my Rezvani. That’s the safest place I can be. The vehicle is equipped with suits of body armor and gas masks, so I know that my children and I will be protected from both ballistic and chemical threats while we mow down those no-good liberals and crush them under 35-inch military-grade rubber tires!
Oh and did I mention that the seats are heated? That way our tushies will never get cold! Not even in a nuclear winter scenario! Even if the liberals win the Second American Civil War and bomb our great nation to bits, my family and I will be safe inside our mobile fallout shelter! After all, this car can stop an assault rifle bullet! I’m sure that radiation will be no problem for the Rezvani!
And what’s the fuel efficiency? Why it’s 16 miles per gallon! That’s six miles per gallon better than my husband’s silly little Lamborghini coupe. He’s should count his lucky stars that he’s married to me. I’m the sensible one, after all.
(featured image: Rezvani Motors)
Have a tip we should know? tips@themarysue.com
