I Regret To Inform You I’ve Already Seen the Worst Movie of 2023

Let’s get this out of the way right now: No, I was not expecting Expend4bles, the fourth installment in Sylvester Stallone’s Expendables series to be a “good movie.” The franchise has offered diminishing returns since 2010’s The Expendables, but I was eager to watch it nonetheless. I watch it for the same reasons I watch most of Stallone’s films: for the big explosions, bloody kills, and dad humor you’d find in any ’90s action movie. And The Expendables offered that in spades. After all, who doesn’t want to see the action heroes of the ’80s and ’90s team up to crack corny jokes and save the world?

But after viewing Expend4bles, I think it’s time to let this franchise die. With a humorless script, an uninspired plot, and the most predictable twist of all time, this film limps along, as tired and creaky as the senior citizens in its cast. The film sees Stallone return as Barney Ross, the leader of an elite team of mercenaries. He’s joined by his BFF Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), and a team that includes returning heroes Randy Couture and Dolph Lundgren. NOT appearing in the film are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Terry Crews (who had a falling out with the producer over his sexual assault lawsuit), Jet Li, Antonio Banderas, Wesley Snipes, and many more familiar faces.

Instead, we get Megan Fox (sporting a crop-top bulletproof vest), Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson, Jacob Scipio, Levy Tran, Andy Garcia, and Tony Jaa. We also get The Raid star Iko Uwais as the main villain, Rahmat. The inclusion of Uwais and Jaa promised some exciting martial arts, but both performers weren’t given the chance to show off their prodigious skills. In fact, none of the actors were able to show off any action skills whatsoever, thanks to the muddy, unclear direction of Scott Waugh (Need for Speed). The fight sequences are hastily edited and difficult to follow, with an overdependence on subpar special effects. The marketing push for the film emphasized its R-rating, but the violence was cartoonish, and not in a fun way. I’ve seen better blood spatter in MS Paint.

The quality of the franchise has clearly dropped off. The Expendables 3 saw a cameo from Harrison Ford, but there’s no such star power to be found in this flaccid exercise. The film also lacks any sense of joy or fun. Stallone (who barely clocks 20 minutes of screentime) seems checked out, a sharp departure from his recent turn in Paramount+’s Tulsa King. And Statham seems like he’d rather be anywhere else. I feel for him and the low-energy crew of Expend4bles. I’d like to be anywhere else too.

(featured image: Lionsgate)

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Chelsea Steiner

Chelsea was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. An pop culture journalist since 2012, her work has appeared on Autostraddle, AfterEllen, and more. Her beats include queer popular culture, film, television, republican clownery, and the unwavering belief that 'The Long Kiss Goodnight' is the greatest movie ever made. She currently resides in sunny Los Angeles, with her husband, 2 sons, and one poorly behaved rescue dog. She is a former roller derby girl and a black belt in Judo, so she is not to be trifled with. She loves the word “Jewess” and wishes more people used it to describe her.

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