Here’s a List of Things Iris West Needs to Look for in a Hero Who Isn’t Barry “Time Travel Is Hard” Allen

Spoilers for The Flash follow. 

Iris West. You are a wonderful, excellent, worthwhile human being. I can understand the fear and worry about being told that you’re about to be fridged by some invisible god of speed. No, really, I can. I can even understand the frustration you may be feeling over the fact that your death may come as a result of your own boyfriend fiancé ex-fiancé. Sure, Barry’s pain is understandable, but nobody should have to shoulder such difficult burdens, my dear, especially when it comes to someone who is supposed to be your partner.

In my humblest of humble opinions, dearest Iris, might I make a few suggestions as to what you can do to possibly improve your romantic prospects?

You need to find you a hero that looks at you…

• the way Jay Garrick looks at his helmet.
• the way H.R. looks at that barista at Jitters.
• the way Malfoy looks at Queen Elsa.
• the way Wally looks at Jessie Quick (wistful sigh).
• the way Gorilla Grodd looks at the destruction of Central City.
• the way Cisco looks at weird alien tech that will likely kill us all.
• the way Caitlyn probably looks at a warm, sunny beach, far, far from ice.
• the way Joe looks at D.A. Horton.
• the way Julian looks at Cisco when he’s learning about multiverses.
• the way Eobard Thawn looks at desiccated corpses.

Barry’s kind of a numbskull, and sure, that can be endearing. But the man is a stubborn son of a gun, and since you’re, you know, not with him anymore exactly, maybe it’s time to take stock of your standards and go out there and get you a partner who appreciates you.

(… and if it wasn’t clear, this is presented entirely in jest. Don’t @ me, guy.)

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Jessica Lachenal

Jessica Lachenal is a writer who doesn’t talk about herself a lot, so she isn’t quite sure how biographical info panels should work. But here we go anyway. She's the Weekend Editor for The Mary Sue, a Contributing Writer for The Bold Italic (thebolditalic.com), and a Staff Writer for Spinning Platters (spinningplatters.com). She's also been featured in Model View Culture and Frontiers LA magazine, and on Autostraddle. She hopes this has been as awkward for you as it has been for her.

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