This John Cena Oscars Conspiracy Theory Can’t Possibly Be Serious
One of the most important lessons we’ve learned (TBD) in the past several years is that we shouldn’t underestimate people with cuckoo-banana-pants beliefs—beliefs like “John Cena’s naked Oscars bit was actually a Satanic humiliation ritual organized by the Illuminati.”
When I first saw the words “Oscars humiliation ritual” pop up in my feed, I assumed people were talking about the decision to have past Best Actor winners take turns saying something nice about this year’s nominees. I’d been searching my own brain for the best way to describe this thing of making the nominees sit there and receive compliments with a camera fixed on their face while they squirm and cry and try not to barf. Seeing “humiliation ritual” trending, I was both amused and a little envious that someone else had nailed the phrasing. But then I saw why these words were trending: those kooky alt-right Q-loving message-board-dwelling super-idiots have done it again.
And by “done it,” I mean “turned a fleeting cultural moment into ‘evidence’ of an evil leftist conspiracy.” According to these dummies, John Cena appearing naked on stage at the 2024 Oscars with nothing more than a presenter’s envelope to cover his junk drawer is further proof that Hollywood is controlled by Satanists and/or the Illuminati. Are they the same thing? I have no idea. In any case, Cena didn’t get naked to make America laugh, but to prove his loyalty to a shadowy elite cabal by publicly humiliating himself—this is the so-called “humiliation ritual.”
While most Oscar viewers were posting about Ryan Gosling’s “I’m Just Ken” performance or making jokes about The Curse when Emma Stone won Best Actress over Lily Gladstone, the conspiracy kooks were going HAM on Cena. “John Cena going through an intense illuminati Humiliation Ritual right now at the Oscars,” one X user wrote. “This is next level stuff they have put Cena through lately. Was the fame and fortune worth it John?” Another, obviously one of our great unsung art critics, said, “John Cena naked at the Oscars is 100% a humiliation ritual. There’s no other explanation for it. It’s not funny to normal people. It’s not entertaining. It’s not purposeful.” Yes, much to consider.
Someone even made a diagram, but I’m not sure how helpful it is; I certainly don’t have a better understanding of this conspiracy or its theory after looking at it. But maybe you will?
If you’re frustrated by the barely legible text in this, a contemporary ode to the red yarn and bulletin boards of yore, you’re not alone. I’m happy to transcribe, not because I think it’s useful to understanding a different culture and their beliefs, but because this is the point at which I truly could no longer tell if these people were fucking serious. The shadowy figures in the background are labeled as “Satanic references,” while the rest of the text highlights the contrast between Kimmel and Cena: Kimmel has a “dominant face and stance” and “clothed genitals” (these people are obsessed with crotches) as well as “toes protected by status.” If anything, I think we can agree with the conspiracy people on the concept of privilege and literally nothing else. Cena’s face is marked by “confusion, embarrassed by elites.” He is wearing Birkenstock sandals not for comfort or protection, but because they have “open toes for sexual gratification,” and—not to yuck anyone’s yum here—to this I say, WHOSE?!
Finally, the artist notes the covering of Cena’s genitals (AGAIN WITH THE JUNK) as “Illuminati cock shame.” This is the phrase that made me say these are not serious people. That phrase has the cadence of humor, and if we know anything about conspiracy theorists—besides the fact that they are willfully deranged and frequently bigoted—it’s that they are not self-aware, and certainly not to the extent required for comedy, let alone self-parody.
My biggest takeaway from this brief dip into the murky waters of Conspiracy Internet is kind of a bummer: It’s increasingly difficult to determine if these people are being stupid and dangerous in earnest, or if we’re being had by extremely convincing trolls. Either way, everyone loses. Especially me for taking time to acknowledge it.
(featured image: Kevin Winter, Getty Images)
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