Wanted: Expert Poltergeists for “Lady in White” Position—Apply Now! (Humor)

Dear Applicant,
Thank you for your interest in our Lady in White position at Brockmorehampton Castle. Please take a moment to answer the questions below.

1. How did you hear about our opening at Brockmorehampton?

• The ravens told me.
• Headless horseman messenger service.
• A rapping at my chamber door.
• A cryptic coded message from a lover/friend.

2. Which answer best describes your education?

• Raised by kindly nuns at a convent in the French hillside.
• My wealthy and indulgent father gave me more education than was good for my pretty little head.
• I was orphaned but taken in by a mysterious monk trained in the arcane arts.
• Locked away in a tower with access to books.
• Other: please describe.

3. What is your reason for leaving your previous position?

• Ancestral home replaced by Starbucks.
• Exorcism.
• Eternal quest for lost children/lover.
• Castle tourism interfered with my unfinished business.
• Other: Please describe.

4. How would you describe your attitude towards your work?

• Vengeful.
• Despairing.
• Maniacal.
• Mysterious.
• Other: Please describe.

5. How would you best describe your work style?

• Constant weeping for lost child.
• Searching the horizon for husband/lover gone to war.
• Incessant washing of clothing in streams.
• Cacophonous screeching outside of windows.
• Other: Please describe.

6. Do you prefer to work independently or as part of a team?

• My fate compels me to eternal solitude.
• If I can only find someone who understands my plight, I may be at peace.

7. Do you have reliable transportation?

• Spectral/demonic horse.
• I plan to hitchhike from the cemetery.
• Phantom steam train.
• None required; I am doomed to remain forever enchained to the site of my untimely demise.
• Other: please describe.

8. Are you willing to relocate if a promotion becomes available?

• Yes, it will aid me in my eternal search for my lost lover/children.
• No, I am doomed to wander these moors eternally.

9. What are your preferred working hours?

• On the anniversary of my untimely demise.
• With the chiming of the church bells.
• Each night until the end of time, forever, for a curse has been placed upon me that can never be broken.
• Monday-Friday 9-5 with bankers’ holidays.

10. What is the best way to contact you?

• The ravens.
• Headless horseman messenger service.
• A rapping at my chamber door.
• Cryptic coded message.

Please note if you require accommodations for your lost infant (check the “Llorena” box below) or any equipment you will need to carry (decapitated heads, lanterns or candles, et cetera). Brockmorehampton Castle is an equal opportunity employer, so please note that although the position requires eerily glowing white attire, we are welcoming of applicants of all ages, languages and time periods.

featured image via Shutterstock

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Mickey Lyons is a Detroit-based freelancer who thinks far too hard about representation in pop culture for someone who doesn’t own a TV. You can find her online at ProhibitionDetroit.com and very occasionally on Twitter @ProhibitDetroit.

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