I Am Vengeance. I Am the Night. I Am the Little Caesars Batman Calzony.

We all know Batman is hungry for justice, but justice rarely delivers. So Little Caesars and Warner Bros. have collaborated on something more tangible to snack on. Meet the Batman Calzony, a pizza-calzone hybrid that now comes in the shape of a Bat.

Yes, Little Caesars, the pizza of choice when you’re too stoned to use the Domino’s app, is combining the delicious powers of melted cheese, pepperoni, garlic white sauce, and a side of Crazy Sauce to bring you this greasy homage to the Caped Crusader. Did you know that the Joker fell into a vat of Crazy Sauce and that’s what disfigured him and made him insane? IT’S CANON NOW.

“Anyone can now bring superhero vibes to pizza night by trying the new The Batman Calzony,” said Jeff Klein, chief marketing officer at Little Caesars. “It’s the most delicious part of our partnership with the upcoming film The Batman.” Well the jokes on Jeff, because in my book anyone bringing a pizza to my house is automatically a vigilante for justice.

The press release for this Calzony refers to pizza and calzones as a “dynamic duo,” and with all due respect, they are out of their bleeping minds. Pizza is to calzones what Batman is to Man-Bat. A weird distortion of something everyone loves into an unappealing package. Deal with it, calzones!

But why stop there? Why not expand the Rogues Gallery into other offferings on the Little Caesars menu? Maybe a Poison Ivy-themed salad of soaking wet lettuce and 5 olives? Just kidding, as if Little Caesars had vegetables. The Batman Calzony unfortunately doesn’t resemble the Batman symbol so much as a dead sting-ray or an axe without a handle.

And if you’re looking for vengeance, then hold onto Martha Wayne’s pearls. The only vengeance you will likely be wreaking is on yourself, and specifically your bowels after eating this thing. Light the Pepto Bismol signal, Commissioner Gordon!

If you want to experience the Batman Calzony, it’s currently available for $7.99 at Little Caesars. And if you go, you might want to loosen that utility belt a little bit.

via GIPHY

(image: Little Caesars)

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Chelsea Steiner

Chelsea was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. An pop culture journalist since 2012, her work has appeared on Autostraddle, AfterEllen, and more. Her beats include queer popular culture, film, television, republican clownery, and the unwavering belief that 'The Long Kiss Goodnight' is the greatest movie ever made. She currently resides in sunny Los Angeles, with her husband, 2 sons, and one poorly behaved rescue dog. She is a former roller derby girl and a black belt in Judo, so she is not to be trifled with. She loves the word “Jewess” and wishes more people used it to describe her.

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