Yes, We Love All Pokémon but These Ones in Particular Don’t Make It Easy
All Pokémon are beautiful—except maybe these ones.
All Pokémon have value. All Pokémon are deserving of cuddles and love. All Pokémon are worthy of being ripped from the wild, forced into an electronic tennis ball, and pressured to battle each other for their owners to achieve fame and fortune. If you really wanna catch ’em all, then you can’t let something as superficial as looks come into play. That just makes you judgmental, a real jerk. Not worthy of your gym badges. Give them back. You’re canceled. Get out of here.
*Looks around*
Okay, good, the moral purists are gone. That just leaves the people who are ready to hear this next part: Some Pokémon are seriously messed up. And not just on the outside, either. Some are bankrupt in both body and soul. Some Pokémon do not deserve to be caught and cared for. They deserve to be eliminated from the Pokédex, and perhaps existence entirely.
Here they are, the ugliest Pokémon, inside and out.
Sinistcha
On the outside, this Pokémon looks like something that I expelled out of my nose during flu season. Its gooey green body is so gelatinous and wrong that it needed to evolve a cuplike outer shell to keep itself all in one place. This Pokémon has a soul that is equally as virulent as its body. Sinistcha’s whole schtick is that it pretends to be a cup of tea so that people drink it, allowing it to drain their life force from the inside. What kind of dimestore D&D mimic bullshit is that? The only place I wanna find a Sinistcha is on a Kleenex in the trash.
Drifloon
Drifloon may look like a kid-friendly balloon on the surface, but that’s all part of its f*cked-up ruse. This Party City psychopath takes the appearance of a balloon so that children grab onto it. Then once a brisk wind comes along it carries off those children to Arceus knows where to do Arceus knows what with them. This Pokemon is a floating Amber Alert. A wannabe Penniwise without any of Bill Skarsgard’s creepy charisma. The only place I ever wanna find a Drifloon is on the business end of a pin.
Hattrem
Hattrem is another Pokémon that looks adorable on the outside, just like your ex! But also like your ex, they are an emotionally unavailable, gaslighting bastard. Hattrem takes the form of a hat in order to get into your good graces, but once you start showing any strong emotions, that’s when things get messy. If Hattrem catches you getting too emotional, it will pummel you with its braids in order to silence you. What kind of domestic abuser garbage is this? The only place I wanna see Hattrem is in court.
Nihilego
Finally, a Pokémon that’s as ugly on the outside as it is on the inside. Nihilego is an Ultra Beast, one of a cadre of busted-looking alien Pokémon that spread misery and woe across the galaxy. If Nihilego’s looks weren’t bad enough, just wait ’til you hear how much of a liability this thing is at a party. Nihilego worms its way inside of people and makes them turn unpredictably violent, and then feeds off of those violent emotions. Worst of all, it can infect multiple people at once, allowing it to turn a quinceañera into a WWE smackdown in seconds flat.
Gorebyss
This Pokémon’s name is a combination of “gore” and “abyss”. We’re not off to a strong start here. On the outside, this Pokémon attempts to be cute by batting its long and innocent eyelashes, but it still ends up looking like a creepy worm with a makeover. Its feeding habits don’t do Gorebyss any favors either. This monstrosity uses its long proboscis to puncture the body of its prey and drain their bodily fluids. It sees itself as a straw, and every other living thing as a tall glass of classic Coke. Throw it in the trash, it’s not worth recycling.
Gourgeist
Gourgeist is the creepy adult version of spookily adorable little Pumpkaboo. It’s like a 30-year-old trying to wear a kid’s Halloween costume. It just isn’t cute anymore. Gourgeist unfortunately has an obsession with children, and attempts to pass itself off as an adult in order to take kids’ hands and “lead them into the afterlife”. Yes, that’s how the Pokedex puts it. Gourgeist makes me wanna cancel Halloween forever.
Drowzee
Blegh. Another seriously creepy Pokémon. Drowzee is a weird little elephant goblin that likes to hang outside of playgrounds and daycare centers in order to get close to children. And what does it do to a child that falls into its clutches? It hypnotizes them and feasts upon their dreams through their nostrils. WTF. Someone needs to get this Pokémon a restraining order.
Parasect
This Pokémon ranks high on the physical ugliness list for being a gross bug, but it’s even grosser when you realize that it’s a gross DEAD bug. Parasect is a fungaloid horror straight out of The Last of Us. That mushroom on its back? That’s not for decoration. That’s the only thing keeping this creepy bastard alive and moving. It’s essentially a reanimated bug corpse puppeted by a mushroom brain. Someone needs to keep this thing under a rock. Or smash it with one.
Tinkaton
While all the Pokémon that have come before this hyper-pop monstrosity have some sort of justification for their heinous actions (i.e. to feed themselves) Tinkaton does antisocial things simply for pleasure. According to its Pokedex entry, it’s an intelligent Pokémon that uses its hammer to launch rocks at passing birds. Does it eat those birds? No. It just maims them for fun. What kind of serial killer behavior is this? I thought humans were the only beings that killed for sport? Apparently not.
Mimikyu
Mimikyu is so ugly, so depraved, so horrific that even a glimpse of this creature will curse the viewer to die an unnatural death. The creature’s true form is so eldritch and abominable that it covers itself in a rag in order to not cause wanton loss of life everywhere it goes. Sadly, this Pokémon is not nearly as evil as the other Pokémon on this list. It wants to be loved and accepted, and it hopes that its crude Pikachu disguise will make people want to befriend it. I hate to tell you this Mimikyu, but you need to change your style.
(featured Image: The Pokémon Co.)
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