Neil deGrasse Tyson Finally Uses Astronomy for Something Useful
This is humanity’s biggest discovery.
Bigger than sliced bread. Bigger than the wheel. Bigger than whatever new character they found on Star Trek: Strange New Worlds. Bigger than that blurry photo of a black hole. Bigger than General Relativity. Bigger than the Laws of Thermodynamics. Bigger than whatever that one Greek dude discovered when he jumped out of that bathtub and ran naked through the streets, screaming “eureka!” This is bigger than the discovery of Antarctica, the pyramids, or the chemical components of that weird liquid running down Rudy Giuliani’s face that one time.
This is bigger than the very founding of The Mary Sue itself.
Neil deGrasse Tyson—astrophysicist and science educator extraordinaire —has discovered the location of Barbie Land. You know, that place where Barbies run the government, win Nobel Prizes, and treat everyone with love and respect? THAT PLACE. The place beyond poverty. The place beyond patriarchy. The Place Beyond the Pines (you know, that movie Ken was in).
But how did he do it? To find the answer, we have to consult the one social media app that everyone over 50 calls “The Facebook.” Neil deGrasse Tyson posted his exact findings on The Facebook, detailing his observation of the heavens above Barbie Land and the astronomical calculations that give us its geographic location. This is what he said:
In Barbie the Movie, the Moon’s orientation places Barbie World between 20 & 40 degrees North Latitude on Earth. Palm trees further constrain latitude between 20 & 30 degrees.
The Sun & Moon rose & set over the ocean.
So if it’s in the United States, then Barbie World lands somewhere in the Florida Keys.
YOU HEAR THAT RON DESANTIS? THE MECCA THAT IS THE DEATH OF PATRIARCHY IS IN YOUR SHITTY STATE. AND THERE’S NOT A THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
(featured image: Warner Bros.)
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