Let’s Just Replace Every Terrible Man in the Movies With Tig Notaro

Zack Snyder’s Army of the Dead completed most principle photography in 2019. At that time, the character of “Peters,” described as “a cynical helicopter pilot,” was played by comedian Chris D’Elia. Since filming wrapped, the now-41-year-old D’Elia has been accused by multiple people, including minors, of sexual misconduct, and just last month he was sued for possessing child porn and exploiting a minor. Long story short, Chris D’Elia is a piece of crap and not the kind of person you want in your movie.

Well, Zack Snyder knows a bit about fixing movies, so last year, D’Elia was replaced in the film with Tig Notaro. Through a combination of reshoots and digitally inserting Notaro into existing scenes, Snyder replaced a shitty man with an out lesbian comedian, and the results are already paying dividends. The moment the Army of the Dead trailer hit, social media lost its mind over Notaro.

I saw this sentiment all over and totally agreed. And it made me think … we have the technology. Someone’s got the money. Why don’t we just replace every shitty man in the movies with Tig Notaro?

Take Death on the Nile. The pandemic delayed the release of the sequel to Murder on the Orient Express but during that delay, serious allegations have arisen, including rape allegations, against one of the stars, Armie Hammer. No one wants to see a movie with a creepy accused rapist in it, so the solution is clear: Replace him with Tig Notaro.

We don’t even need to limit this to movies that aren’t released yet. Johnny Depp’s reputation has gone down the toilet since the glory days of the Pirates films, which many of us still love, so let’s fix them by replacing Depp entirely with Tig Notaro. Kevin Spacey was replaced with Christopher Plummer in All The Money in the World, but Plummer has sadly passed, so all of Spacey’s great roles now belong to Tig Notaro. He can keep K-Pax though.

Tom Cruise? Replace with Tig.

Could we even go further?

Yes. Every man is Tig Notaro now. As the goddess intended it. Nature can finally heal.

(image: SCOTT GARFIELD/NETFLIX)

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Jessica Mason

Jessica Mason (she/her) is a writer based in Portland, Oregon with a focus on fandom, queer representation, and amazing women in film and television. She's a trained lawyer and opera singer as well as a mom and author.

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