Reports From the Front of the War on Thanksgiving
The turkeys have breached the southern gate
We reported earlier this month that we were all for the War on Thanksgiving, even if it was a bogus bit of fearmongering cooked up by Fox News to scare the stuffing out of their viewers. Our point was that Thanksgiving should maybe focus on the thankfulness part as intended by Abraham Lincoln.
Well, I guess Fox has been running with more “War on Thanksgiving” chyrons, and the President saw the headline and didn’t look into it because Trump has joined the fray and promises he will defend thanksgiving from … people that want to change its name? Um … what?
The war on Christmas is over.
Long live the war on Thanksgiving. pic.twitter.com/kzXnIcVBbm— Salvador Hernandez (@SalHernandez) November 27, 2019
At a rally in Florida yesterday, Trump declared that “some people” want to change the name of Thanksgiving. That idea was an old anti-Obama conspiracy theory which I’m sure Trump bought but isn’t true at all. I think he’s conflating this new “threat” with the “war on Christmas” which is where Christians get mad at the idea that there are other holidays and then claim people want to “change the name.”
Neither of these things are real “wars” of course, but that didn’t stop Twitter from jumping into the fray with some hysterical tweets that got #WarOn Thanksgiving trending with reports from the front that would make Ken Burns proud.
Our assault on Turkeyville was almost revealed by a traitor in our midst. Lt. Yam has been revealed to be a spy named Sgt. Sweet Potato. The dastardly turncoat has been hanged and battle commences on schedule. #WarOnThanksgiving
— Jennifer Reynolds (@themonstereggs) November 27, 2019
#WarOnThanksgiving It was only a matter of time before they fought back pic.twitter.com/CrKHH1aVlD
— Paul Ain’t Shit (@y2stump) November 27, 2019
My Dearest Emilia,
I’ve been given my first commission. While I enjoyed the Office of Stuffing Confiscation, my new billet comes with a new pay grade, the sum of six chocolate gold coins enclosed.My Love,
1st lt. Carl R. Jennings, 33rd Light Drumsticks #WarOnThanksgiving— Carl R. Jennings, N.V.M.R. (@carlrjennings) November 27, 2019
“THE TURKEYS ARE COMING! THE TURKEYS ARE COMING” – Paul Revere screamed during his midnight ride on April 18, 1775. lmao! #WarOnThanksgiving pic.twitter.com/sSuyD8Na3F
— Rowen (@UndeadAngel91) November 27, 2019
My love-
The commander gave me a field promotion during the Battle of the Belly Bulge after Captain Cranberry fell. I’m now the commander of the Sweet Potato Brigade. Pray for me, but above all pray for the cause.
All my everlasting love,
Lieutenant Gravy
#WarOnThanksgiving— (@Lariska_Prgitay) November 27, 2019
#WarOnThanksgiving
Dearest Wife,We are low on covfefe. The troops are resting after a horrific ordeal as one of the men thought he could consume a turducken by himself. We do not expect him to recover from his coma. The enemy continues to assault us with pecan pies.Pray for us.
— Steven C Fowler (@mattay2224) November 27, 2019
My dearest, As I write, huddled in camp, we have only a pumpkin spice candle by which to warm ourselves. Outside, the battlefield runs red with cranberry sauce. In town, the enemy is staging a spectacle of their military might…#WarOnThanksgiving pic.twitter.com/DLzSmFwEaF
— Carolyn Scherer (@CarolynSch1) November 27, 2019
As we wage this long battle, I do wonder what the hell Donnie thinks we want to call Thanksgiving instead, once this war is won? “Turkey day” is not vegan approved. “Fat Thursday” is derivative and “day before black Friday” is far too hard to say and also too capitalist. What do you think we should call it when the war is won? Also, what do we go after next: the fourth of July or Easter?
(via Huffington Post, image: Drew Angerer/Getty Images)
Want more stories like this? Become a subscriber and support the site!
—The Mary Sue has a strict comment policy that forbids, but is not limited to, personal insults toward anyone, hate speech, and trolling.—
Have a tip we should know? tips@themarysue.com
