Like Mother, Like Daughter: Sam & Nancy Maggs on Growing Up Geek

In many ways today, being a geek is the trendy thing to do. Judging by box office results and merchandising dollars, it’s certainly where the money’s at, and it’s where the jobs are at, too. But despite taking over enough of the mainstream to produce a limitless supply of comic book movies and genre TV shows, just being a geek is still stigmatized in a lot of ways.

As geek parents raising a toddler on the cusp of 17 months, we’ve created a Doctor Who-themed nursery and taken her to her first con, but there’s always that nagging bit of so-called “normal” eating away at us, asking if we’re doing this to expose her to fun things early on or if we’re being overboard and should stick to farm animals and Mickey Mouse.

Enter Sam Maggs and her mother Nancy. Most of us know Sam because, well, she’s pretty awesome. She’s a bestselling author, former TMS editor, and a multimedia geek superstar. What I didn’t know was that Sam was a second-generation geek, and her mom Nancy can be found with her daughter at both cons and family gatherings.

Something must have gone right for things to unfold this way, so I considered all of the ways I’m convinced I’m messing up my toddler girl, then asked Sam and Nancy about their experiences on both the parent/child perspectives of passing geekiness down from generation to generation.

Their answers to my many, many questions via email are reassuring, to say the least.

On Introducing Kids to Geekdom

Mike Chen (TMS): Nancy, when you first approached parenthood, did you want to pass along your geeky passions or was it something that just kind of happened?

Nancy: Nothing was planned. It just sort of happened. We shared all of our interests with Sam. Some stuck, some didn’t!

TMS: At what age did you first expose Sam to geeky material? Do you remember what it was?

Nancy: To be honest, we’ve always watched a wide variety of things from Sesame Street and Magic School Bus to Animaniacs and Reboot. We also watched almost everything together as a family, because we all enjoyed the same things. I’d have to say the first thing that we really loved that she didn’t know about until we introduced her to it would have to be Stargate SG1.

On Sam’s Geek Awakening

TMS: Did you find Sam naturally discover sci-fi/fantasy, or did she have to ask you about it? Was there a turning point where you realized that she was enjoying it on the same level as you?

Nancy: Sam’s dad was the original sci-fi fan in our house. I watched the original Star Trek but really started enjoying sci-fi with Star Wars, so by the time Sam was born, the genre was very much part of our household, and we just continued to enjoy it together as a family.

Sam, from your perspective, do you feel you came to geeky interests on your own, or was it absorbed through osmosis by being around your parents? And was there an age when you felt like you took more ownership of it as an interest/hobby?

Sam: I think it was a combination of both, really. When I was really little, my dad stayed home with me, and he used to pass the time by putting on a full day of Star Wars movies—plus his love of comics and his job in computers, and I was pretty constantly surrounded by the geek world. It wasn’t until I was about twelve years old and became properly obsessed with Stargate SG-1 that I started to make it a hobby of my own by finding sites and forums where I could properly participate as a fan.

On Violence in Genre Entertainment

TMS: As a lot of sci-fi/fantasy material focuses on violence and death (even family-friendly franchises like Star Wars and Lord of the Rings), how did you handle those sensitive subjects? Did that help open a parent-child dialogue on difficult topics?

Nancy: TV viewing has always been very “interactive” in our house, and because we watched so much together as a family, there was plenty of opportunity for laughs and conversation. We never treated Sam as a “child” to be sheltered with respect to conversations. When topics came up, we were open and honest.

Were there any age-inappropriate books/shows/films that Sam wanted to get into? How did you handle these situations even if they were things YOU really enjoyed?

Nancy: Can’t think of a single one, to be quite honest. You’d have to ask Sam if she remembers anything in particular. I’d be interested in her answer!

Sam: To be honest, I think that’s because there never really was “age inappropriate” in our house? I watched and read everything I could get my hands on, and they vetted it and never really intervened!

On Growing Up Geek

TMS: Geek franchises can be the source of great creativity, but they can also mean sitting on your butt for hours on end while watching/playing something. How did you encourage a balance between the two as Sam grew and was able to express her creativity?

Nancy: That was never a problem for us. At the age of 3 and a half, I had signed Sam up for a summer dance program, and from that moment, dance became a part of her life until she moved away from home to finish school. In addition, her elementary and high schools were very much into music and the arts, so there were a lot of things to keep her “off the couch.”

TMS: Many parents go overboard in pushing their own interests on their kids. What advice would you give geek parents who want to expose their kids to their passions without forcing it?

Nancy: I think you said it perfectly. You never want to “force” your interests on anyone—not just your kids. Introduce the interest; let them try it out. See what happens. Some things they’ll like, some things they won’t. When Sam was growing up, we had her try a whole range of activities to see what things she might like. The same holds true in reverse. Show an interest in those things your children like, as well. You might be surprised at what you might learn to like. It helps to make us well-rounded individuals!

TMS: Was there anything that Sam introduced you to that still holds your interest today?

Nancy: Sailor Moon, Train, and playing video games.

TMS: Sam, did you personally face any bullying because of your geeky interests, and if so, did having parents who shared those interests make it any easier?

Sam: Oh, for sure! I mean, being a nerd was so normalized for me at home, since I grew up in that environment, so I actually didn’t realize for a long time that there weren’t parents who would pull their kid out of school to go see a matinee of The Phantom Menace on opening day (what a let-down). When I started to get made fun of at school, I just hid my interests and kept them at home—until I graduated college, and I realized that pretending to like sports was actually putting me in social circles I hated and making me miserable.

TMS: Even though being a geek is more socially accepted today, it still holds a stigma for a lot of people. What advice would you give young geeks, particularly girls, facing bullying?

Sam: Hiding who you are or what you like might make things immediately easier, but it will leave you desperately unfulfilled and unhappy in the long run. My best advice would be to embrace your most authentic self, even if the people around you can’t understand it. There are huge, amazing communities online just waiting to embrace you, and the sooner you accept yourself and gain that confidence, the more people will be drawn to you in real life anyways.

On Those Pesky Teen Years

TMS: Sam, my biggest fear for my daughter is she will rebel by listening to new country music and being into beauty pageants. Did you ever hit a rebellious teen phase where you wanted to pull away from your shared geeky interests? Or was that common bond a way to soothe over any “I hate my parents!” teen angst with them?

Sam: HA, no, though I always say I probably would have gotten into hockey if I wanted to be a real rebel. No, it was always a great bonding experience; my mom and I went to our first convention together when I was in my first year of university, and I’d spent most of my evenings in high school on the couch watching sci-fi TV with my folks (I did not have an active social life, no). I once left an anniversary dinner with my college boyfriend to go home and watch the series finale of Battlestar Galactica with my parents. Totally worth it.

TMS: A lot of people—myself included—discover sci-fi and fantasy in their formative years as a way to express and understand themselves. Did this happen for you and was there ever a point where you felt a shared favorite connected with you on a different level than with your parents (in a “parents just don’t understand” way)?

Sam: Sure! I think my parents and I share some geeky interests but diverge in a lot of ways, too. My dad, obviously, loves Golden Age comics in a way I’ll never understand, and my mom really, really loves urban fantasy novels (which I think I would like, too, but just haven’t had the opportunity to get into them). I think that experience of understanding myself through a geeky medium unique from my parents didn’t actually happen until a few years ago, when I really started getting into video games. Mass Effect in particular really helped me to sort through who I am and led me to some really great people online.

On Being a “Cool” Mom

TMS: As Sam got older and you were able to share more of your geeky interests, did this common bond make it easier to connect with your growing daughter? Were there times you had to draw the line and stop being the “cool mom” to successfully parent?

Nancy: Sam and I have always had a great relationship. We’ve been mom/daughter but also best friends from day one. Of course, sharing your interests helps, because it gives you the opportunity to spend time with your child. I believe that if you can spend quality time with your children as they grow up, that special relationship will continue once they become adults. Yes, there are definitely times when you have to say “no” to be a good parent. You momentarily lose your “cool” factor, but you always get it back!

TMS: Did Sam ever hit a phase where she wanted to go to movies/cons/etc. with her friends rather than you? Or did having a mutual interest smooth over that type of thing?

Nancy: Of course. I’ve never had a problem with her going out with her friends. That’s the way it’s supposed to be! You grow up and develop your own circle of friends to socialize with. It’s never interfered with the things we enjoy doing together.

On The Next Generation of Geeks

TMS: For girls, there’s still a bit of a stigma about acceptance in the geek world. Having gone through it yourself and raised a child through it, what advice would you give the current generation of geek parents as they guide their daughters through this? Do you think the advent of social media has made it easier to find a community or just turned up the pressure?

Nancy: Be supportive, encourage their interests and share in their excitement. Find places and groups that are welcoming. Check out the local comic book stores if that’s what she’s interested in. If the staff or patrons aren’t welcoming, take your dollars elsewhere. There are more and more places today that would be happy to encourage your daughter’s fandom. The Valkyries, for example, is a group of women who work in comics retail that have come together to provide a support network for one another. A store that employs these super ladies would be a great way for your daughter to get into comics for the first time. I think social media has definitely made it much easier for women of all ages to find communities of like-minded individuals. I’ve personally made so many wonderful friends through conventions and social media that I never would have had before the advent of twitter. Best of all, if you start getting harassed online, use that block button and report it!

TMS: Today’s geek crowd has so many forms of self expression, from video to cosplay to social media. Sam, is there one element you wish was around when you were growing up, and what advice can you give the newer generation on finding their niche?

Sam: Oh, honestly, EVERYTHING. When I think of old fanfiction archives, or show-specific forums, or painful dial-up speeds—UGH. I remember spending hours waiting for Sailor Moon photos to display, or weeks trying to download a new episode of Stargate on Limewire that would come out all pixelated and gross, and we would all watch on uncomfortable chairs around our basement computer anyway. But I really think I would have loved social media—now you can meet so many people with similar interests in no time, and make some of the best friends you’ll ever have, in an instant. It would have stopped me from being such a lonely kid, I think—though the GateWorld Forums did help with that, back in the day. It just would have been nice to know I wasn’t the only girl into this stuff!

Parting Words o’ Wisdom:

TMS: Finally, Nancy, if you could jump in the TARDIS and give your younger self one bit of parenting advice, what would it be?

Nancy: This is going to sound lame and has nothing to do with geeks and fandom but every time I asked myself this question I had the same answer. So here it is. My advice: start saving into an RRSP in your twenties! As soon as you start earning a pay cheque, start putting money away for retirement. I kid you not. You’ll all thank me for it later.

(Mike’s note: For us Yankee bastards, an RRSP is more or less like a 401K retirement plan.)

TMS: And Sam, if you could jump in the TARDIS and give your younger geek self one bit of advice, what would it be?

Sam: Be who you are and love what you love without apology—you’ll be happier if you stop hiding.

Huge thanks to Sam and Nancy for taking the time to answer these questions. It certainly makes me feel better about being in father/daughter pictures at the park despite me wearing a Starfleet uniform …

Don’t forget that you can pick up Sam’s bestselling book The Fangirl’s Guide to the Galaxy, along with checking out her website and Twitter. For more words of wisdom from Nancy, follow her on Twitter and Tumblr.

Mike Chen is a freelance writer who used to cover the NHL for Fox Sports and SB Nation but now writes about geek parenting and video games. He also builds WordPress websites and writes novels that walk the line between mainstream and science fiction (repped by Eric Smith of PS Literary Agency). Follow him on Twitter.

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