Things We Saw Today: The Incredible Twitter Fairy Tale Thread That Destroys Matt Walsh’s Transphobic Bullshit
Matt Walsh, in his own words, is “a writer, speaker, author, and one of the religious Right’s most influential young voices,” as well as a self-described “extremist.” You can imagine the charming opinions that Matt Walsh has.
If you’ve never heard of Matt Walsh, congratulations, I envy your life. If you would like to learn about him, here’s a neat summation, “Jesus Would Hate This Conservative Blogger As Much As You Do.”
Matt Walsh looks exactly as you were expecting Matt Walsh to look.
Anyway, the other day, Matt Walsh was up to his typical Matt Walshian hateful trolling, deciding to wade into trans waters where no one invited him. Nevertheless, Matt Walsh persisted with one of the worst Tweets in recent memory, trying to explain why he would stop loving his wife “if she turned into a man” with an analogy that he would do the same were she to become a lizard. God, shut up, Matt Walsh. I mean even Matt Walsh’s God is thinking that daily. God is like, “Christ, I made this guy?”
Luckily, the hilarious writer and paragon of Twitter Bess Kalb, who has written for Jimmy Kimmel Live! and The Oscars, was there to save the day through the magic of fairy tales.
If my husband turned into a lizard I would get a very nice terrarium and I’d sit with him and feed him tiny bits of breakfast burrito and watch movies and listen to podcasts and every night run into the dark woods and beg the witch to lift the curse, the terrible, terrible curse. pic.twitter.com/zZpwvWtxhg
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) July 18, 2018
“My dear girl,” she’d cackle with a malevolent grin. “If your true love’s return you seek, you must kill another’s within the week.” I’d crumble to the ground, my nightgown covered in dirt, weeping at the beastly task, the horrid riddle. “I…can’t.” “Then he remains a lizard.”
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) July 18, 2018
I’d stay up all night staring at my lizard husband warming himself under the glow of his state-of-the-art infrared terrarium light with automatic motion-sensor shut-off. “What do I do? What would you have me do?” He’d blink at me with all four eyelids and I’d know. I’d know.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) July 18, 2018
Two nights later, haggard and panting, I’d return to the clearing in the woods. “Witch!” I’d shout. “I’ve done your bidding!” “Good,” she’d creak, appearing before me, an inky phantom. “Hand me the heart of another girl’s love.” I’d hold up a satchel, dripping with blood.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) July 18, 2018
“Here,” I’d choke. “Look. Come closer.” Her gnarled white hands would grasp the strings as she’d greedily start to open the satchel, ravenous and mad with power. I’d steel my nerves and snatch it back. “But first. Give me the anti-lizarding potion.” Our eyes would lock.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) July 18, 2018
“Do you not TRUST me, dear?” she’d coo, saccharine and unnerving. “I…I do. Of course I do. I just want to make sure we both get what we have earned.” She’d reach into her cloak pocket, her raven-black eyes still fixed on mine, and produce a tiny vial.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) July 18, 2018
I’d snatch the vial from her outstretched hand and thrust the blood-soaked satchel into the other. Her wicked glee would distract her just enough that she wouldn’t notice the lizard carefully climbing up the back of her cloak.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) July 18, 2018
As my pulse quickened to a hum, I’d quietly uncork the bottle. Just as the lizard was at her neck, she’d look up in horror, her face contorted in a mask of pure rage. I’d feel a rush of cold fill my chest as she’d screech “YOU WRETCHED GIRL. THIS IS A COW’S HEART.”
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) July 18, 2018
In a flash of pure adrenaline, I’d lunge toward her and splash the contents of the bottle directly on the lizard clinging to her collar. She’d scream a ghastly scream as a 175-pound man suddenly formed around her shoulders, breaking her neck with a horrible crack.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) July 18, 2018
As she’d writhe, bug-eyed and panicked for a moment before taking her final breath, I’d loom over her and say “And that’s why I’d love my husband if he turned into a lizard.” Then I would turn to my true love and give him a high five that would shake the heavens.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) July 18, 2018
Thank you, Bess Kalb, for your service.
(via Bess Kalb on Twitter, image: Pexels/Twitter)
- Lion Forge has named your comics fave and mine, Gail Simone, as the chief architect of the “Catalyst Supreme” superhero line. THR has the exclusive story. (via The Hollywood Reporter)
- TJ Miller is canceled, stop booking comedy shows with him, (via Paste Mag)
- You guys, Aquaman‘s freaking SEA DRAGON has been revealed and it’s everything I’ve ever wanted. (via Comicbookmovie.com, image: Entertainment Weekly)
- SEA DRAGON!!!!!
- Speaking of dragons, here are Den of Geek’s picks for the July’s best new fantasy books. (via Den of Geek)
What did you see today, sea people?
Want more stories like this? Become a subscriber and support the site!
—The Mary Sue has a strict comment policy that forbids, but is not limited to, personal insults toward anyone, hate speech, and trolling.—
Have a tip we should know? tips@themarysue.com
