Suicide Squad, Birdemic, and 8 worst examples of so-called ‘filmmaking’ the world has ever seen
If you’re here to wander the vaunted hall of cinematic greatness, you’ve come to the wrong place. This article is reserved for only the baddest of apples. Movies so rotten, so evil, so abysmal that they threaten to spoil the bunch. These are the worst movies of all time, ranked.
10. Suicide Squad
Suicide Squad is a a better made film than most of the others on this list, but that’s like saying a pizza covered in dead cockroaches is better than a pizza covered in goat turds. The first is hardly edible, but it’s not literal poison. I have a personal vendetta against the cinematic travesty that is Suicide Squad. The nadir of the DCU, I had this misfortune of sitting through this God-abandoned drivel twice. It’s a nonsense story strung together through a masterclass of bad editing that collapses under the weight of its own faux-edginess. Watching this movie is like sitting through Spiderman 3, if Spiderman 3 was only the part where Peter Parker dances uncomfortably at everyone.
9. The Room
The Room is a tour de force. As in you couldn’t tour-de-force me to sit through it again. It’s hailed as the greatest bad movie of all time. A so-bad-it’s-good disaster piece. It feels like being at the dentist. You’re getting a root canal, but you’ve got enough laughing gas in you to stave off the pain and have a good time doing it. It’s a nonsense melodrama where the furniture does a better job at acting than the main cast. At least the cabinets have a reason to be wooden.
8. Troll 2
Troll 2—while a silver screen sh*tshow—at least has the decency to be entertaining. A group of kids go off into the wilderness for a camping trip or something (it literally doesn’t matter) and they’re set upon by a gang of trolls resembling the sort of scrotums you’d find at a retirement home. Inconceivably, I don’t even think that there is a Troll 1. If there is, has about as much a relationship to the plot as Donald Trump does to his natural hair. Which is to say, very little.
7. Birdemic
Birdemic is about as enjoyable is receiving a gift from a bird right in your upturned eye. A flock of birds, really. What’s it about? Some plot-virus has turned all the birds of the world into killing machines. But wait, that’s basically the plot of Hitchcock’s The Birds, right? Yes, and it’s almost as if the director of this birdsh*tshow set out to make a film that is as abysmal as Hitchcock’s was good. Poorly animated birds pick off a group of survivors with about as much charisma as a sack of wet yams.
6. Ax ‘Em
Ax ‘Em might be the last entry on this list that could be considered “enjoyable” if you have a penchant for the masochism found only in the deepest of German sex dungeons. It’s a film with a plot that simply defies logic, nay, obliterates it, as if Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle never even existed to make that mental mark on the planet. It’s an about a group of friends that go off into the woods and start getting chopped up by a serial killer. I don’t know. The sound quality in this film is so bad you literally can’t even tell what they’re saying. It’s just garbled screaming. Theirs or mine? The line is blurring.
5. Freddy Got Fingered
The early 00’s were a dark enough time without this cinematic travesty further darkening the cultural doorstep. Freddy Got Fingered represents the worst of that era. It’s crass. It’s ignorant. It’s mean spirited. It’s deeply unfunny. It’s a film about a talentless animator who falsely accuses his father of molesting his little brother… and that’s the joke. No, seriously. That’s the thing that’s supposed to be funny about this movie. Needless to say, it ended the career of its director Tom Green.
4. Jaws: The Revenge
Snatching defeat from the Jaws of victory, Jaws: The Revenge stitches together the great white corpse of the groundbreaking original film’s antagonist and reanimates it with a grotesqueness that would make Dr. Frankenstein himself gasp. They attempted to recapture the lightning in the bottle that was Steven Speilberg’s Jaws, but the result is a bottled fart. It’s a messy disaster of a film that is not the shadow of the shadow of the shadow of the original. Matter of fact, no shadows at all. This film was made in a dark, dark cave and needs to go back.
3. The Hottie and the Nottie
The Hottie and the Nottie was Paris Hilton’s single-ditch effort at an acting career. The story is what’s written on the tin, Paris plays the Hottie, who refuses to date the run of the mill dude protagonist until her sister June “the Nottie” is able to find love as well. As the guy starts spending time with June, he falls in love with her in an “it’s what’s on the inside that counts” moral fashion. Of course June goes through a “take the glasses off” transformation at the end of the film that transformers her into a physically beautiful character as well. Shallow. Vapid. Vain. This film with worthless.
2. Super Babies, Baby Geniuses 2
I wouldn’t be surprised if Super Babies, Baby Geniuses 2 is film that Satan is forced to watch while chained up in his frozen pit at the bottom of the ninth circle of the Inferno. It is the sequel (THEY MADE A SECOND ONE!?) to the dirty diaper of a film that was Super Babies. It’s a film about four babies superpowers who have to stop a tech mogul from taking over the world. Honestly, this film makes me wish the guy would succeed. Drain the Earth of its natural resources. Scorch a hole in the atmosphere. Reduce its cities to dust and its waters to poison. The planet that was responsible for this travesty doesn’t have a right to exist in universe.
1. The Birth of a Nation
I’m begging you, classic film critics. Can we PLEASE admit that Birth of a Nation is an atrocious film? I don’t CARE that it was “cinematically groundbreaking” at the time. I don’t CARE that it was one of the biggest box office successes in American history. That just makes this garbage fire of a film all the more depressing. Birth of a Nation is a film that attempts to paint the Ku Klux Klan as a force of glorious warriors on a crusade for good, and not the vicious, mass murdering, racist, xenophobic group of urine-stained bedsheet wearing mothersf*ckers that history knows them to be. There is nothing redeeming about this film. It’s a sordid look into America’s bloody and broken past, made all the more horrific but the numerous attempts of modern critics to explain its cinematic merits. It is an oozing puss stain on the silver screen, one that must be washed out for good.
(Featured Image: Chloe Productions/TPW Films)
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