Super Mario Brothers Is the Story of a Polyship in the Middle of an Epic Roleplay, in This Essay I Will—

If you’re like me then you have an ongoing headcanon where Mario and Bowser are on that Sonic Boom level of antagonism, you know, the kind where Eggman’s an enemy but Sonic lets him crash on his couch? Over the years Bowser has gone from “final boss at the end of the castle” to “golf buddy/kart racer/single dad doing his best.” He’s not all that fear-inducing, and hell, sometimes, he’s not even the main villain. In fact, there have been other villains who have posed such a big threat that he’s teamed up with Mario for the greater good.

If we’re being honest, Bowser kidnapping Peach has become a regularly scheduled event. Those cries for help have gotten less frantic over the years. Almost as if this is just a thing the three of them do for fun.

My big brain moment hit at the end of Super Mario Odyssey when Mario and Bowser argue over who gets to give Wedding Peach flowers (or piranha plants, same difference I guess). She tells them both to stop, not at all a fan of them pressuring her, and she walks off.

At that point, I was like, “OK, so these are just two dudes fighting for the same girl.” I mean they even comfort each other after she rejects them. Peach takes one of those “they’re idiots, but they’re my idiots” kind of deep breaths, looks back at them, and tells them that they should all go home together.

I’m sorry, but, this isn’t the story of some frightened, captured woman. This is a throuple and has been for many, many years.

Let me explain.

• How is this all a roleplay?

First off, I do think that the Mushroom Kingdom exists. I think Peach is a princess, Bowser is the fire-breathing dragon (Koopa) and Mario is, well, Mario, a regular dude. I think the whole “save the princess” idea was a way to give Mario a chance to be a part of the action.

I honestly think this goes way back to the first game, you know, with Toad telling you that the princess is in “another castle” but all the castles look the same? I don’t think they had fleshed out the rules of this roleplay all that much back then, after all, some of the lore is really wonky for the NES Super Mario Bros. The bricks are Toads? So you’ve been breaking them this entire time? Just … yeah, gotta iron out those details, which they do as the series progresses.

The second game is just a straight-up dream. The third? A stage play?

Honestly, that explains the opening curtain, the backdrops, the sheer amount of costume changes Mario has, the fact that Peach isn’t even kidnapped until near the end of the game like Bowser forgot. And, well, maybe they put on this entire production to make it up to Bowser, after all, he’s not even in Super Mario Bros. 2. That would explain why his world in Super Mario Bros. 3 is so intense. I mean … he’s got TANKS?! Also … the Koopalings?!

But the entirety of Mario being a roleplay between our leads also explains how these three just keep upping the ante with each game. Super Mario 64 takes place in Peach’s castle … buuuuut we’re going through paintings? Super Mario Sunshine… you know what, I’ll get to that vacation game and Bowser Jr. a bit later, so let’s skip that for now and talk about how these three go to SPACE?! Multiple times?! Bowser wants the wedding to be on the MOON?!

It’s not just locations that change, the power-ups change too. The staples typically remain (Mushroom, Flower, and Star) but throughout the series, there are tweaks made to them OR brand new abilities, you know, like someone keeps altering what Mario can and cannot do in each roleplay session? That would explain why some power-ups got a downgrade in some titles (the fire flower, for example, is on a timer in some games) or why some just aren’t there anymore (no more Cape Mario, that’s apparently too OP).

• Where is Peach in all of this?

Peach spectates. She likes to watch. Bowser looks so cool when he’s stomping around, shooting fireballs, growing to colossal titan sizes to make a point. And Mario is pretty heroic when he takes Bowser on, you know? I think she’s the one who came up with the extra battle idea that’s been happening in the later games. You think the battle is over but there’s just one more thing that has to get done, leading to a giant power boost for Bowser.

I would say that was Bowser’s idea, but I dunno, I think he’s a pretty soft guy, we’ve just all been fooled by the size of him.

Peach doesn’t just sit back and watch, though. Sometimes she’ll participate, throw on a catsuit and climb up the wall, or even be the heroine who saves Mario for a change.

You know how I said Super Mario Bros. 3 was for Bowser? Super Princess Peach was for her.

• When did things get serious?

NOW we’re gonna talk about Super Mario Sunshine and my earlier comment about Bowser being a big ol’ softy. See, Sunshine is the game where we first meet Bowser Jr., who is under the impression that Peach is his mother.

Peach doesn’t actually deny this. At. All.

Of course, at the end of the game, it’s revealed that she’s not his mother, but I’m pretty sure everyone has pointed out how instead of Peach telling Bowser Jr. this herself, she was just like, “Oh. I’m your mama?”

Girl.

There’s no word on where Bowser Jr.’s birth mom is. Maybe it’s tragic? I dunno, but whatever it is, Peach was fine with going along with this story Bowser came up with (Bowser’s the one who told Bowser Jr. that Peach was his mom). Arguably, Mario was, too? He didn’t deny it either, didn’t protest to it, even if this plan got him locked up and sentenced to community service where he cleaned up the island.

At the end of the game Bowser confesses, but his son admits that he knew all along, but now Bowser Jr. is looking forward to going up against Mario again. That’s one way to introduce your kid to the other person in your relationship.

Up until the point of this game I think Mario, Peach, and Bowser were just having fun, but when Bowser Jr. came up their relationship became more serious, so now they find ways to involve him in their life together. I would say this dates back to the Koopalings, but it was revealed in 2012 that they aren’t actually Bowser’s children, meaning that they’re underlings who, honestly, make this whole thing more entertaining.

7 castles with 7 new bosses? You know Mario’s into that, and with later entries including Bowser Jr. in the mix, it’s been a good way to keep the kid happy.

• Is this roleplay all they do as a throuple?

Nope.

Nu-uh.

And it’s been that way for years.

Thus concludes my headcanon where, once upon a time, a guy named Mario found himself in a new land and the princess of that land said, “Hey giant Koopa hunk, wanna have some fun?” That giant Koopa hunk said, “I guess?” And Mario said, “Wah hoo! Here we go! Oh, but can I have some power-ups, at least to make it a bit fairer, also, shooting fire out of my hands would be cool so … please?”

(image: Nintendo)

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Briana Lawrence

Briana (she/her - bisexual) is trying her best to cosplay as a responsible adult. Her writing tends to focus on the importance of representation, whether it’s through her multiple book series or the pieces she writes. After de-transforming from her magical girl state, she indulges in an ever-growing pile of manga, marathons too much anime, and dedicates an embarrassing amount of time to her Animal Crossing pumpkin patch (it's Halloween forever, deal with it Nook)

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