The 11 Best Squishmallow Slippers for Your Cozy Days
Picture this: you’re indoors, the best side of a door to be on. It’s raining. You wanna be cozy, but socks ain’t cutting it. You need that heavy duty coziness. You need a pair of Squishmallow slippers. You need THESE.
1. Fifi the Fox
Fifi the Fox literally just came from the tundra, so she is perfectly prepared to deal with your cold little tootsies. It’s just like wearing a real fox! Except way less cruel! But just as fashionable! Who needs fox fur when you can roll up to the soiree in Fifi kick? Except you won’t be attending, you are far, FAR too cozy for such banal trivialities.
2. Cam the Cat
Cam the Cat is just like a real cat. Always rubbing themselves on your feet. But this cat is one you don’t have to feed at 5am! One that doesn’t meow at the bathroom door while you’re taking a shower! And best of all, Cam doesn’t poop anywhere! Ever! Cam the Cat is the perfect cat because they’re all the feline coziness without any of the real cat hassle.
3. Brock the Bulldog
Intruder in your house and you need to make a getaway? Brock the Bulldog is sure to protect you, just like a real dog would! While he can’t bark and leap through the air and tear your assailant’s throat out, he CAN keep your toes warm while you run out the back door to safety! Isn’t that all you really need? Safe feet? To carry the rest of your unsafe body to safety?
4. Maya the Ice Cream
Maya the Ice Cream is – despite being frozen – well qualified to keep your feet warm. She is certainly the best ice cream to sink your toes into. Unless you like dipping your feet in actual cold ice cream. Idk your kinks. I guess you could put Maya in the freezer for a bit and wear her around after? She’ll get warm again, but unlike real ice cream, she won’t ever melt.
5. Connor the Cow
You know those cow skin rugs that are in every picturesque log cabin floor? Warm and toasty in front of the roaring fireplace? A foot inside Connor the Cow feels like that. But don’t tell him, he’ll get offended. For all you know that rug was a relative of his. He might have been saved from death because a rare genetic mutation made him a Squishmallow. I don’t know how these things work.
6. Rosie The Pig
Rosie The Pig will keep your little piggies warm. You can all be pigs in a blanket together. But don’t tell her that. Like Connor the Cow, she might have relatives that were slaughtered for their meat, and a rare Squishmallow mutation saved her from the butcher shop. Again, I literally don’t know how these things work. I’m not a Squishmallow biologist. But maybe I could be.
7. Gigi The Orange Tabby Cat
Gigi The Orange Tabby Cat is just like Cam, all the good parts of a cat without any of the cat hassle. Because cats are a hassle. Gigi won’t knock full glasses of water off the table just to see them fall. Gigi won’t grab the teabag out of your tea with her sharp little paws. She doesn’t even have paws. Gigi won’t inexplicably decide that the back corner of the basement behind the is her NEW litter box and you won’t find the presents she left you into weeks later. Gigi is an inanimate object. YOUR inanimate object.
8. Prince the Pug
I’m assuming Prince the Pug is named Prince the Pug, like all other Squishmallows. But he is labeled “Prince Pug” on Amazon and I am not entirely discounting the possibility that he could indeed be some form of Squishmallows royalty. This would indeed uproot everything I thought I knew about Squishmallows, as this would mean these inanimate objects are indeed capable of forming their own government. But is Prince Pug heir to the throne of an absolute monarchy? Or is he more of a figurehead? If only I could ask him, but alas, his little mouth is stitched shut. His secrets remain unknown.
9. Autumn the Black Cat
Autumn the Black Cat is easily the coolest looking Squishmallow slipper on this list. She’s so goth. Spooky. Witchy. Like read my horoscope, why don’t you? Autumn the Cat also just so happens to be named after the coziest of all seasons. And the spookiest. Coincidence? I think not.
10. Winston the Owl
Despite lacking a graduation cap Winston the Owl is well qualified to keep your feet warm. I suppose one doesn’t need to pursue higher education in order to be a good cuddler. No Soft and Fuzzy 101 classes to attend. You know, I think Winston made the right choice not going to college. He has no student loans and he’s already figured out how to provide a valuable, marketable service. Meanwhile that Mr. Owl from the Tootsie Pop commercials has at least an undergrad degree, but what’s he doing with it? Conducting research on how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie roll center of said Tootsie Pops. And despite his education, his experiments are conducted rather poorly. No control group. No replicable results. He just bites it when he feels like it. He could learn a thing or two from Winston about contributing to society.
11. Lola the Unicorn
Lola the Unicorn is just the unicorn you’ve been looking for. If you and your partner saw her from across the bar, I bet you’d totally dig her vibe. Who knows, maybe one thing could lead to another and she’d end up back at your place to do some foot stuff. I don’t wanna judge based on her appearance, but the massive foot-sized hole in the center of her body makes me think she’s done this kinda thing before. She’s got experience. Maybe not enough to save your failing relationship, but the three of you could give it a try.
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