The Best Vampires in ‘What We Do in the Shadows,’ Ranked
With Season 4 of What We Do in the Shadows now streaming on FX and Hulu, it’s time to revisit some of our favorite vampires who have popped up throughout the series! This series is positively crawling with vampires, but here are 13 of the funniest, weirdest, and most unforgettable characters to grace our screens.
What We Do in the Shadows, starring Natasia Demetriou, Kayvan Novak, Mark Proksch, Matt Berry, and Harvey Guillen, is a spin-off of Taika Waititi and Jemaine Clement’s cult hit movie of the same name. Like the original film, the series follows the exploits of a group of vampire housemates as they go about their lives as bloodsucking undead monsters. Throughout the series, the gang butts heads with rival vampires, the demonically bureaucratic Vampiric Council, some occasional werewolves, and other ghouls on the surprisingly haunted Staten Island.
Although this list only ranks vampires, Guillermo de la Cruz (Guillen) deserves a big shout-out for being the best human character on the show. Guillermo, Nandor’s longtime familiar (that is, indentured servant), wants nothing more than to be a vampire himself, but instead has ended up with a codependent relationship with the vampires he serves. Complicating things is the fact that Guillermo is descended from the Van Helsings, and his vampire hunter heritage comes out in a string of accidental slayings.
And now, the rankings!
13. Tilda
When the Vampiric Council convenes to get to the bottom of who killed Baron Afanas, we see a lot of familiar faces, including the characters from the original What We Do in the Shadows movie. Presiding over the proceedings, though, is a vampire named Tilda, played by Tilda Swinton. Not only is her cameo a fun reference to Only Lovers Left Alive, the 2013 Jim Jarmusch movie in which she plays a vampire, but naming her character Tilda implies that she’s a vampire in real life. That would explain a few things.
12. Viago
Most of the celebrity cameos in the Vampiric Council only appear in that once scene, but Viago, played by Taika Waititi, gets to come back for more shenanigans. After Guillermo accidentally kills most of the Vampiric Council, leaving a power vaccuum on the American Eastern Seaboard, Viago sends a video message to Nadja, Nandor, Laszlo, and Colin, promoting them to Vampiric Council members. I could listen to Taika do his vampire voice all day.
11. Jim the Vampire
Mark Hammil is a joy to watch no matter what he does, but Jim the Vampire’s 167 year long feud with Laszlo is especially hilarious. He’s been hunting Laszlo ever since Laszlo skipped out on paying the last month’s rent, and he just can’t let it go. Their best moment might be when Jim unwittingly catches up with Laszlo at a bar, but has no idea that it’s him because Laszlo’s wearing a small fake mustache. Jim also develops an intense love affair with a Billy Big Mouth Bass, and has a brief stint as a volleyball coach.
10. Evie Russell
Colin Robinson, Staten Island’s resident energy vampire, works an office job by day to give him access to a steady supply of energy-rich humans to suck dry. One day, though, he finds out that he’s got some competition. It turns out Evie, the new employee, is an emotional vampire who drains people by demanding constant emotional labor from them. She manufactures crisis after crisis to wring sympathy out of her victims, until Colin finally confronts her in an epic psychic showdown. After that, the two of them start dating, but the relationship goes south when Colin realizes that she’s draining him, too.
9. Goëjlrm, the Sire
The oldest living known vampire and the common ancestor of every vampire in existence, the Sire is so ancient that he’s withered into a hideous gargoyle. When we first meet him, he’s living in a cage in the basement of the Vampiric Council’s headquarters. He speaks no known language and it’s not even clear that he still has self-awareness, but the Council has to keep him safe because if he dies, every vampire he sired will also die—so, every vampire in the world. After his prison break, the Sire is able to communicate with the Baron in an ancient forgotten language, and the vampires relocate both of them to a comfy suburban house.
8. Baron Afanas
Like the Sire, the Baron is so old that he doesn’t look human anymore. Although the Sire is a fullblown hellbeast, the Baron has more of a Nosferatu appearance, which makes him look pretty terrifying until you find out that he just wants a fun night out on the town. Even after he’s burned to death by sunlight after Guillermo accidentally opens the front door on him, he doesn’t lose his sunny disposition.
7. Jan, Leader of the Post-Chiropteran Wellness Center
In Season 3, Nandor finds himself depressed about his long existence, and discovers a commune full of people claiming to be ex-vampires. Jan, their leader, tells Nandor that he can become human again by pulling out his fangs every night and doing human stuff like aerobics. Within a month Jan has turned Nandor into one of her loyal spandex-wearing health fanatics. The catch? Jan is 100% full of shit, there’s no such thing as an ex-vampire, and she has only recruited Nandor to weasel out of paying 132 years of back dues for the Vampiric Council. When her followers start to question her, she simply herds them out into the sunlight, where they burn up, and sets out to recruit more.
6. Simon the Devious
Simon, played by Nick Kroll, is the king of the Manhattan vampires, owner of the vampiric nightclub the Sassy Cat, and head of a vampire gang called the Leather Skins. He can’t get any satisfaction from any of it, though, because he’s consumed with jealousy over Laszlo’s witch-skin hat. He wants that hat and he’ll stop at nothing to get it, even though the curse that’s on it makes his life miserable.
5. The Guide
The Guide, played by Kristen Schaal, is the caretaker of the Vampiric Council’s headquarters, and the Council’s loyal servant. She has one of the best looks of any vampire, with long blond hair and that weird graduation cap thing she likes so much. For most of the show, she’s been an imperious presence in the background, ordering around her army of wraiths, but she’s starting to open up in Season 4. It turns out her post at the Vampiric Council is a punishment, not an honor. Her crime? She has a thing for vampire hunters.
4. Laszlo Cravensworth
Laszlo, a 300-year-old undead Englishman, is a proper gentleman who’s also the biggest, most depraved pervert on the planet. There’s no sexual position Laszlo hasn’t tried, no kink that’s too weird for his tastes. He’s truly living his best afterlife.
And yet, despite his fabulous depravity, Laszlo’s centuries-long marriage to Nadja is genuinely sweet and tender. Laszlo really, truly loves Nadja, and their marriage is just as steamy now as it was in the 18th century. Everyone deserves to have someone in their life who looks at them the way Laszlo looks at Nadja.
3. Colin Robinson
Who knew the most boring person on the planet would also be a ruthless and voracious energy vampire? Colin doesn’t suck blood. Instead, he saps people of their vital essence with mind-numbingly inane monologues until they slump over, unconscious. Colin doesn’t think twice about doing a mega-feed on a hapless city council or engaging in psychic warfare with Evie, but he also cares about his housemates, rescuing them when they’re sentenced by the Vampiric Council to die by exposure to sunlight. Now that he’s a resurrected preschooler, it remains to be seen whether he’ll grow up into the Colin we know and love.
2. Nandor the Relentless
Nandor used to be an infamous soldier in the Ottoman Empire with 37 spouses, but now he’s just chilling in Staten Island with his fellow undead housemates. Nandor’s 10-year exploitation of his familiar Guillermo is one of the high points of the whole show, as Nandor strings Guillermo along with the promise of one day turning him into a vampire. One of Nandor’s most devious schemes is using of the Cloak of Duplication to get his housemates to try and woo his crush for him. Each housemate puts on the cloak and becomes a copy of Nandor, leading to Kayvan Novak’s hilarious impressions of each of his fellow cast members.
1. Nadja Antipaxos
Every femme wishes they were Nadja Antipaxos. Nadja has some serious vampiric style, and isn’t afraid to (literally) rip out a heart or two to get what she wants. She has a trail of lovers stretching centuries, including the continually reincarnated Gregor, but that doesn’t mean she loves Laszlo any less. Plus, her relationship with the ghost of her human self, currently residing in a doll that has her features, is one of the healthiest relationships in the series. Like all the vampires, Nadja is a violent, petty narcissist, but she’s also got a shriveled up heart of gold.
(image: FX)
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