This Is Surely How The United States Came to Drop the Mother of All Bombs
Or: how Donald learned to love the bomb.
Today the U.S. dropped the GBU-43, nicknamed “the mother of all bombs” as the biggest non-nuclear weapon in the American arsenal, on a suspected ISIS network of tunnels in Afghanistan. We’re pretty sure we know how the decision came about.
INT. WHITE HOUSE – NIGHT
DONALD TRUMP, a man in an ill-fitting suit who is somehow PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, is sitting with his feet up on the desk of THE OVAL OFFICE. He is thumbing through a glossy CATALOG of military weapons.
The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE, JAMES “MAD DOG” MATTIS, is standing at attention nearby. PRESIDENTIAL AIDES scurry in the background, wiping down PRICELESS HISTORICAL OBJECTS with antibacterials.
On the couch sits IVANKA TRUMP, AIDE TO THE PRESIDENT, a sketchbook in her lap. She is designing a new range of PATRIOTIC JEWELRY and is currently drawing an EAGLE MADE OF DIAMONDS.
TRUMP (to MATTIS)
I just don’t know.
MATTIS
(growls inquisitively)
TRUMP
Don’t you have anything shinier?
MATTIS
Shinier, sir?
TRUMP
Gold-colored. Can it be gold? This one needs to make a splash. Huge. A spectacular bomb.
MATTIS
We have a lot of big bombs, sir.
TRUMP
They loved it when I bombed that other country before. Iraq. My numbers soared. The media ate it up.
IVANKA
(From the couch.)
Syria, daddy.
TRUMP
What?
IVANKA
It was Syria that we bombed.
TRUMP
I thought I said that was a terrible idea.
MATTIS
That was when Obama was the President, sir.
TRUMP
I’m the President. I know what I’m doing. So I must’ve been right. (He nods to himself.)
Where should we bomb this time?
MATTIS
That’s your call, sir.
IVANKA
Jared and I have a list –
TRUMP
(Interrupting.)
How many countries are we bombing right now?
MATTIS
Several, sir.
TRUMP
I’ll tell you what. I want you to find the biggest bomb you can. A truly enormous bomb. A bomb that will change things. I want you to take that big beautiful bomb, and I want you to drop it on ISIS. That was one of my campaign pledges that the people, they loved it. We’ll bomb ISIS.
MATTIS
ISIS is not a country, sir.
TRUMP
I’m the President and I’m telling you to drop the biggest bomb you’ve got on ISIS.
MATTIS
We have one in our arsenal that’s nicknamed the mother of all bombs. It’s never been used on the battlefield, sir.
TRUMP
I’d be the first? (A beat.)
That’s the one. That’s it. The mother of all bombs. That’s tremendous. Now find a way to throw it at ISIS.
MATTIS
Yes, sir. (He leaves.)
IVANKA
(Glaring at the corner of the room, where STEVE BANNON is sitting on a low chair, wearing a DUNCE HAT.)
Daddy, Steve Bannon is staring at me again.
TRUMP
Steve.
STEVE BANNON slowly turns around to face the wall. IVANKA goes back to her designs, this time sketching a SHINY GOLD BOMB FILIGREE NECKLACE. TRUMP nods to himself, looking pleased.
TRUMP
The mother of all bombs. Phenomenal.
(images: Shutterstock)
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