Trump Orders “Non-Scalable” Wall Surrounding White House Because He’s a Scared Little Man

Amid fears of potential civil unrest, President Donald Trump has decided to build a protective wall around the White House. A “non-scalable” fence has been built around the perimeter, barricading the president and his family inside. In addition, some 250 National Guardsmen are waiting on standby. Just in case.

The president, who talks a big game but is a terrified little man, previously took refuge in the historic home during the George Floyd protests, hiding in the subterranean safety bunker. This earned him the nickname “Bunker Boy” and the mockery of much of the country.

Chris Rodriguez, the director of DC’s Homeland Security and Emergency Management Agency, told reporters that “we don’t have any specific or credible threats for [around] the election,” but many across the country are preparing for the worst. Businesses are boarding up their stores in advance of riots, and police departments are on high alert throughout the week.

It’s not so much the wall that is offensive: it’s Trump’s blatant hypocrisy. Just two days ago, he was encouraging supporters to harass and intimidate the Biden campaign, celebrating a coordinated attack on a Biden campaign bus. Trump tweeted, “I LOVE TEXAS!” along with a video of a Trump truck caravan surrounding and slowing down the Biden tour.

Also, and I realize this is hardly the biggest issue, but WTF is is up with that wall? It looks like two giant kitchen cabinets with an iron fence running in the middle. It also looks very climbable. Was this designed at an Ikea? I’m very confused. Arcus Group, the security and event management company erecting the wall, is run by former aides to Trump, because why build when you can also grift? The contract will cost the government $988,788.

Trump is now getting roasted on social media for his White House wall, aka the only wall he ever successfully built.

(via CNN, featured image: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

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Chelsea Steiner

Chelsea was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. An pop culture journalist since 2012, her work has appeared on Autostraddle, AfterEllen, and more. Her beats include queer popular culture, film, television, republican clownery, and the unwavering belief that 'The Long Kiss Goodnight' is the greatest movie ever made. She currently resides in sunny Los Angeles, with her husband, 2 sons, and one poorly behaved rescue dog. She is a former roller derby girl and a black belt in Judo, so she is not to be trifled with. She loves the word “Jewess” and wishes more people used it to describe her.

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