Tucker Carlson Devastated That He’s No Longer Horny for M&Ms

You’ve got to hand it to Tucker Carlson. The Fox News host/villainous frat member from an ’80s movie took a break from lionizing domestic terrorists and ripping Ted Cruz a new one to address a truly important issue that affects Americans everywhere: the fuckability of M&Ms. The internet exploded over Mars Inc.’s woke redesign of the M&M mascots, which included swapping the Green M&M’s go-go boots for sneakers and the Brown M&M switching to a more sensible heel.

The internet quickly ran wild with the story, but Carlson took things to the next level. In a segment for Tucker Carlson Tonight, the host bemoaned no longer getting hard for a candy company mascot, saying “M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal.”

He also mocked the Orange M&M’s anxiety, saying “Maybe he doesn’t like all the ugly new shoes he sees around him.”

Naturally, folks online couldn’t help but mock Carlson’s self-serious outrage over the mascot redesign. And that’s largely because he treats it with the gravity and drama of something that actually matters. It’s absolute clownery, and the internet was quick to dunk on the Fox News poster boy:

Of course, if there’s anything to be upset about RE: the M&M redesign, it’s that its a thinly veiled attempt for Mars to shift publicity away from the child labor lawsuit they are currently embroiled in. Because who has time to discuss exploited children when an M&M changes her shoes?

(image: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

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Chelsea Steiner

Chelsea was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. An pop culture journalist since 2012, her work has appeared on Autostraddle, AfterEllen, and more. Her beats include queer popular culture, film, television, republican clownery, and the unwavering belief that 'The Long Kiss Goodnight' is the greatest movie ever made. She currently resides in sunny Los Angeles, with her husband, 2 sons, and one poorly behaved rescue dog. She is a former roller derby girl and a black belt in Judo, so she is not to be trifled with. She loves the word “Jewess” and wishes more people used it to describe her.

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