Horse_eBooks Is Dead, So Here Are Some Other Surreal Twitter Feeds to Comfort You
As you know, I am a full time internet.
Probably the saddest thing about yesterday’s horse_ebooks reveal — that the Twitter account once thought to be an automated spambot was actually a curated performance art project — is that we won’t be getting any more of its random-yet-sometimes-profound nonsensical tweets. So what should you fill your with feed now? Here are our humble suggestions.
One of the oldest one-note Twitter accounts, @big_ben_clock bongs on the hour every hour according to the time in England.
BONG
— Big Ben (@big_ben_clock) September 25, 2013
BONG BONG BONG
— Big Ben (@big_ben_clock) September 25, 2013
BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG
— Big Ben (@big_ben_clock) September 25, 2013
This is also the only Twitter account on our list that’s even remotely informative. It tells you the time! That’s something, right?
@Coffee_dad is just a dad who really enjoys his coffee. And who harbors a lot of deep, dark secrets beneath those playfully bad tweets.
#ready for some coffee#
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) July 18, 2013
coffee time
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) July 18, 2013
i still remember everything from the day he was born the smell of his perfect hair his tiny fingers happy birthday my sweet son we miss you
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) July 17, 2013
ready for coffee
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) July 15, 2013
The Burlington Coat Factory does not have an official brand Twitter page. Instead it has this, which started out looking like a regular brand Twitter feed and then got progressively weirder and weirder:
As the weather heats up, stop in today for a cool coat for next fall or winter! #BurlingtonFunFact
— Burlington Coat Fact (@BurlCoatFactory) June 6, 2013
No, seriously.
How is your day, today? Was it yesterday? #coats
— Burlington Coat Fact (@BurlCoatFactory) July 30, 2013
It got really weird.
hello have you bought a #coat so far
— Burlington Coat Fact (@BurlCoatFactory) September 19, 2013
If you have a twin please buy two #coats if not, one is ok
— Burlington Coat Fact (@BurlCoatFactory) September 23, 2013
What the matter, #coats got your tongue? Just kidding come buy something
— Burlington Coat Fact (@BurlCoatFactory) September 25, 2013
It was so convincing at first that Burlington Coat Factory itself accidentally linked to it one time, but recently we’ve all come to appreciate it as the surrealist masterpiece that it really is.
Probably the closest in feel to @horse_ebooks we’re ever going to get, @hostile_goose is… well. It is.
hello operator, its me, hello. i have a problem, i cant stop jerking off to Danny Devito. thinking about him in the spiderman costume i just
— goose (@hostile_goose) September 6, 2013
when i get a cold i save all my sneezes for the next full moon, then when it comes i unleash. buttery nightsky beacon, accept all of me
— goose (@hostile_goose) August 7, 2013
………. i am………………………………….. all
— goose (@hostile_goose) August 9, 2013
PARDON PARDON PARDON PARDON PARDON PARDON PARDON PARDON PARDON PARDON PARDON PARDON PARDON PARDON PARDON PARDON PARDON PARDON PARDON PARDON — goose (@hostile_goose) August 8, 2013
What if @horse_ebooks were tangentially about business related matters? That’s where @sales_speak comes in (in fact, it was origially called @salesman_ebooks).
SEO has probably killed people
— Sales Speak (@Sales_Speak) September 25, 2013
If you can’t or won’t provide that information without my speaking to someone then we can’t do business. If you want my trust you have to
— Sales Speak (@Sales_Speak) August 29, 2013
Gentlemen: The website is concerning
— Sales Speak (@Sales_Speak) September 3, 2013
How does babby form? We don’t know. @babbytips probably doesn’t know, either. But it’s still full of some great advice for your little babbys.
make beautiful music for babby
— Babby Tips (@BabbyTips) August 31, 2013
give babby treats sparingly
— Babby Tips (@BabbyTips) August 28, 2013
throw out bathwater but REMEMBER keep babby
— Babby Tips (@BabbyTips) August 1, 2013
As well as some speculation about the true nature of the babby, of course.
does babby like hibachi? discover
— Babby Tips (@BabbyTips) September 14, 2013
A commentary on social media activists? A parody of reactionary politics? A hilarious gag about a bird not being able to type? Bird Rights Activist is all these things and more. So, so much more.
dear Mr. Science: If human so “better,” how come they can’t be bird? oh I’m sorry was that too LOGIC for you????
— birdsrightsactivist (@ProBirdRights) September 20, 2013
bird parenting tips: DEAR CHILD: Did you know smoking drug cause DEATH? Stay out of drug. when you reach for drug, instead give a bread me.
— birdsrightsactivist (@ProBirdRights) August 28, 2013
today I tried hold open a door for a feminism. ok so i could not get door open but if I could i bet she’d be mean. #femanismgonetoofar
— birdsrightsactivist (@ProBirdRights) August 15, 2013
Everytime you not talk about bird, you commit misaviary. check mate ahteists.
— birdsrightsactivist (@ProBirdRights) March 21, 2013
Checkmate, indeed.
In the same vein as @probirdrights, @UpWorthIt parodies the weirdly dramatic linkbait headlines of the now multi-million dollar company, Upworthy.
Most Parents Probably Would Not Have Tried To Stop A Kidnapper In The Way This Lovable Genius Dad Did—But It’s Pretty Wonderful!
— Up Worth It (@UpWorthIt) September 25, 2013
Watch This Unbelievably Strong Woman Donate Her Organs To The Man That Killed Her Children…But Not The Organs You’d Think.
— Up Worth It (@UpWorthIt) September 24, 2013
A Community Torn Apart By Arson Is Brought Back Together By A Deaf Pianist. Now That’s Music To My Ears!
— Up Worth It (@UpWorthIt) September 25, 2013
Last but not least, everything you’ve ever wanted to know about carrots packaged in bite-sized pieces. You know, just like baby carrots or something.
the more flesh color a carrot is , the more likely it is your finger
— Carrot Facts (@RealCarrotFacts) September 25, 2013
For a maybe healthy alternative to cigarets, try taking out the tobaco fuzz and sliding in a baby carrot. Then smock it .
— Carrot Facts (@RealCarrotFacts) September 7, 2013
In honor of Labor Day have a carrot even if you live alone Megan please come back
— Carrot Facts (@RealCarrotFacts) September 2, 2013
If your kids don’t want to eat carrots try throwing one in their mouth when they are talking so they accidentally swallow it
— Carrot Facts (@RealCarrotFacts) August 3, 2013
(via Twitter)
- Rest in piece, @horse_ebooks :,-(
- We went to the Bear Stearns Bravo gallery event and it was really, really weird
- Remember that one time @horse_ebooks ran our website?
Have a tip we should know? tips@themarysue.com
