Not Safe For Life: Build-A-Bear Wants People To Get Hornt for Their New Adult “After Dark” Collection
Teddies wearing teddies.
Well it’s February in 2022 and if I know my late stage capitalism that means two things: 1. corporations are going to be putting out some crass, ill-conceived Black History Month cash grabs, and 2. Corporations are also going to be doing the same thing but for everyone’s least favorite Hallmark holiday—Valentine’s Day.
The most notable attempt at the second category this year has been perennial childhood/Disney Adult favorite Build-A-Bear when they announced that they would be releasing a special line of “18 and up” stuffed animals for their “Build-A-Bear: After Dark” collection via their Facebook page.
That’s right. Build-A-Bear wants YOU to get horny this Valentine’s Day and they know that nothing gets people in the mood like a small stuffed bear in a novelty t-shirt.
What is Build-A-Bear: After Dark
Now, things like “After Dark” and the giant “You must be 18 to enter this page” pop-up window that greets would-be purchasers on the Build-a-Bear site conjure up scintillating (for some), perturbing (for others) images of the small plush animals in various forms of negligee (teddies wearing teddies!?) and in soft-core scenarios worthy of Skinemax.
But what they are actually hawking are teddy bears (and lions, and bunnies) in silk pajamas, heart print boxers, and shirts with phrases like “it’s wine o’clock somewhere!” Half of the internet just let out a deep sigh of relief, the other, disappointment.
Who is this woman? She’s a wine mom, a cool mom! Not a regular mom! She gets day drunk while the kids are at school, and hides the “cabearnet” bottles under the kitchen sink! And she doesn’t even care that it’s a bear pun on the wine bottle when she is clearly some sort of rabbit! Or Dog? Definitely not a bear though!
Not to be confused with the wine mom, above this fun-loving gal is clearly a millennial (in her best millennial pink) as opposed to … well an older millennial I guess, we’re all in our 30s to 40s now! Time ravages us all! Except for this bunny! She is clinging to her youth harder than she clings to that tiny stuffed bottle of rose.
If there’s one thing that Build-A-Bear gets right with this campaign, it’s our addictive dependency mechanisms! Who’s in the mood for love now!
This devilish teddy is starting to get a little more naughty, I suppose. It’s got the satin heart boxers, it’s dressed up ready for some role play, and it actually got a real glass of champagne—which can only mean one thing: this teddy bear is interested in other teddies, it wants a real, human, connection. With you. Yes, that should feel ominous, I think!
Naturally, Twitter had a lot to say on the matter:
Reactions on Build-A-Bear’s Facebook post were also decidedly … mixed. Some fans of the store were excited to increase their plush collection while others felt … skeeved.
I for one, think they should have gone fully hardcore. If it’s hidden behind an 18+ wall, give the furries and plushies what they want! What goes on between consenting, stuffed animal adults is no concern of mine! The collection also has extreme heterosexual vibes. This is disappointing considering that it is an entire line of BEARS. Where are our stuffed leather daddies! Have a Tom of Toyland subsection! Do I have to think of everything Build-A-Bear?!
(images: Build-A-Bear)
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