Just Let the Porgs Be Porgs, Man (But Seriously, Who Gave Porgs Teeth?)

Just about everyone here at The Mary Sue has chimed in about those new little fluffballs that will be showing up in The Last Jedi. For the most part, everyone here’s smitten with them, and have been since we all laid first eyes on them in the Last Jedi behind-the-scenes featurette that premiered at D23 this year. Not everyone has been so keen on them, though, as many Star Wars fans have voiced their concern over the somewhat overt money grab that these creatures represent—to them, at least.

Rian Johnson’s reply here kind of perfectly captures exactly what I know I felt upon first encountering Star Wars. It really is a world invites people of all ages to engage and participate in its fiction. We’ve certainly grown up as an audience, but that doesn’t mean we should exclude those encountering Star Wars for the very first time at the ages where we first encountered Star Wars. Just like, let the porg be a porg, man.

I’ll say, though, I feel similarly in that to a point, this does feel a bit like a cash grab. The Star Wars empire was kind of built on merchandising and kind of changed the way we look at how we market around movies and television. It makes sense that the strategy would be a prevailing one, and that it’d show up here, too. But I’m also not that much of a cynic (despite what my writing history may tell you), and honestly? I’m here for some cute, fluffy puffin-like creatures. I remember discussions about BB-8 prior to the release of The Force Awakens, and I know I had my own concerns about whether this cutesy droid will end up being a Jar Jar in droid form. But those concerns proved to be totally unfounded, and everything was fine. I adore BB-8. You adore BB-8. It’s okay. I think the porg are going to be more of the same.

(Also seriously, lighten up, my guy. They’re just cute animals, BroBro-8. Nothing wrong with cute, C-3P-homie. Just let it be, Jab-brah the Hutt. You can like cute things, I promise, Han Brolo. It doesn’t make you any less intelligent or anything, Chewbac-cuz.)

I gotta ask, though: who decided to give porg teeth?

I love them, don’t get me wrong. BUT LOOK AT THOSE TEETH.

I feel like my life has now been divided into two halves: one, where I was blissfully oblivious of porg teeth, and two, where I realize the horrors that lurk just past underneath soft, fluffy mound of cute. Y’all, I cannot deal with the fact that they have teeth. Like, sure, I should have guessed that there was some kind of mouth action going on there somewhere, but I didn’t fully think about it, because I mean, come on, who does? I don’t know, man. Vivian thinks they’re cute, and calling them “little and nubby.” I think they’re little and remind me a lot of when I realized that geese don’t actually have teeth, but rather they have spikes on the sides of their tongues. I can’t go back now. Not ever. Never again.

Anyway, I’ll pet the hell out of a porg, but you keep its damned mouth away from me, you hear?

(via Nerdist, image: screengrab)

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Jessica Lachenal

Jessica Lachenal is a writer who doesn’t talk about herself a lot, so she isn’t quite sure how biographical info panels should work. But here we go anyway. She's the Weekend Editor for The Mary Sue, a Contributing Writer for The Bold Italic (thebolditalic.com), and a Staff Writer for Spinning Platters (spinningplatters.com). She's also been featured in Model View Culture and Frontiers LA magazine, and on Autostraddle. She hopes this has been as awkward for you as it has been for her.

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