Are There Any 2024 Presidential Candidates Hiding Under America’s Christmas Tree? Let’s See!
Christmas came early this year! Santa Claus sauntered down the chimney and left us a whole bunch of new Christmas presidents—I mean, presents under America’s Christmas Tree. He’s even wrapped them up for us! Some of them are tied up in ribbons and bows, some of them are sitting like angels on top of the tree, and others are wriggling around in burlap sacks filled with what smells like A LOT of coal. You know what they say, Republicans just LOVE their coal! But who are these potential 2024 presidential candidates? Who is on the Nice List, and who is on the Naughty List? Who deserves a slice of the Christmas goose? And who would I rather see face down in the figgy pudding? Let’s tear off the wrapping paper and find out!
Who is running in 2024?
Joe Biden
Aw, man! We got this one last year! Oh, well. I guess Biden wasn’t all that bad. He just kinda stood in the corner muttering to himself. But hey, at least he didn’t make the country WORSE! That’s really all we can ask for these days—a President who putters along and preserves the status quo. Cheer up, kids! It’s better than the alternative! And by “alternative” I mean populist right-wing revolution. Yikes! As of now, President Biden is one of only two confirmed candidates for the 2024 race, which brings us to the next … uh, what’s this misshapen heap of plastic over here …
Donny Dumperino
Here’s that alternative right now! Diddling around on his phone. Would you look at that? He’s probably looking up the “true meaning of Christmas” right now and is NOT happy with the results. So far, the Google doesn’t say ANYTHING about “how to beat fraud charges.” All it says is some stuff about “peace on earth, and good will towards men.” I don’t think that this man is CAPABLE of understanding that. Donald Trump probably just thinks “good will” is a place where “the poor people” go shopping.
Who might run for President in 2024?
Stacey Abrams
This is the bestest Christmas president of all! Stacey Abrams is the angel atop the Christmas tree! Shining bright for all to see! She helped put the state of Georgia back on the Nice List during the 2020 presidential elections with her tireless work convincing the masses to vote. She’s convinced me a thousand times over.
Liz Cheney
Who’s that standing in the corner with a suspiciously shotgun-shaped present? Oh! It’s Liz Cheney! Daughter of Dick! Must have been an early gift from her dad! The apple seems to be rolling away from the Republican family tree, though, as she was one of the few Republicans who voted to impeach Trump. Looks like she’s making a bid to be on Santa’s Nice List, but she’ll have to try a bit harder than that! Maybe stop being Republican for a sec?
Ron DeSantis
Someone rang the doorbell just now. When I answered, I thought there was a flaming pile of dog shit on my porch, but nope! It’s just Ron!
Ted Cruz
I told Ron to go away, but just before I shut the door I saw a pair of yellow eyes glowing near my trash cans. Looks like Ted’s rummaging around for Christmas gifts again! I’m sure I won’t see him anymore this year once the snows come. He’ll be in Cancun while Texas freezes solid. Naughty, naughty!
Pete Buttigieg
Someone just brought in hot chocolate! It’s Pete Buttigieg! What a guy!
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
High atop the Christmas tree, perched next to Stacey Abrams is this angelic queen! I love you, AOC. Please run for President. I will commit voter fraud to vote you again and again, like a gift that keeps on giving.
Kamala Harris
We found Biden under our 2020 Christmas tree, and this stocking stuffer came with him! If Biden decides not to run again, then Kamala Harris could take a stab at it.
Nikki Haley
I found this woman in the kitchen slamming gingerbread men together while whispering “die, die, die”. Maybe she thought they were her democratic political opponents? Maybe she thought they were “the gays”? You never know with these Republican types!
Josh Hawley
I think this guy slipped something in my eggnog, because I’m feeling funny. Not funny “ha-ha,” but funny “I think I’m about the be the victim of assault.” I gave him a little love tap in the eye with my house key, and he went running out the door, just like he ran away from the Capitol building on January 6 after egging on all those rioters.
Larry “Scary” Hogan
OH MY GOD I THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOBLIN. But no! He’s just the Republican governor of the mostly Democrat state of Maryland. Even Maryland crabs are blue, so I think he needs to take the hint and leave.
Amy Klobuchar
The Nice and Naughty jury is still out on Amy. One the one hand, she deserves praise for her conduct in the confirmation hearing of Naughty A-Lister Brett Kavanaugh. However, she’s been accused of being naughty herself with regards to the treatment of her staff. Pick a side, Klobuchar!
Asa Hutchinson
Uh-oh! Somebody’s grandfather wandered in from the cold! He looks a little confused. Wait, that’s Asa Hutchinson! I think his brain fog is coming from the fact that he’s a Republican but he swings liberal on a lot of issues. He’s shown support for the LGBTQ community by refusing to sign anti-gay and anti-trans bills into law. Come on over to the other side, granddad! Pete Buttigieg made hot cocoa!
Gavin Newsom
Ya win some, ya Newsom. Gav here has been on a winning streak in his home state of California for his progressive values, and therefore he deserves a choice cut of the Christmas goose! He might run in 2024, but will probably sit out if Biden runs again. Gives him more time to tuck into that figgy pudding!
Kristi Noem
You can’t spell “Noem” without “No.” Girl, bye. You’re on the Naughty List. One, because you supported Trump in 2020, and two, because you allegedly forced the retirement of the woman who denied your daughter a real estate license. Maybe your daughter could just “try again,” like a normal person? Then you wouldn’t have to FORCE SOMEONE OUT OF THEIR JOB so your unqualified spawn can hold a position? Maybe? “No” thoughts on that? Didn’t think so.
Mike Pence (and a fly)
Mike Pence couldn’t find the fly that landed on his head during the Vice Presidential debate with Kamala Harris, even after he wandered the streets inspecting every pile of dog shit. Lucky for him, he found a dead fly in the figgy pudding and stuck it on his head! He told me that it gives him confidence to have a friend. If only I had confidence in him to not be an asshole!
Mike Pompeo
Get back on that plane, Mike. We don’t care where you go, as long as it’s far. I don’t care that it’s Christmas time and the flights are all “super ‘spensive,” you should have thought of that when you decided to oppose same-sex marriage and still tried to come to MY PARTY.
J.B. Pritzker
Whose uncle is this? Seriously, I have never seen this man before in my life. AOC, I’m scared. Hold me and tell me what’s going on. Oh, he’s a Democrat!? Sorry, I just got a Republican vibe—wonder why? What’s that, AOC? He’s a billionaire? OK, that explains it. Glad to hear that he supports gun control and abortion rights. I’m still sketched out by billionaires, but maybe the Nice List can make an exception?
Bernie Sanders
Bernie! Bernie, sweetie, come inside! Listen, I know that you’re now registered as Independent, but you don’t have to be independent all the time. Come inside and join the rest of the Democrats. Please. It weirds me out when you sit in the backyard like that and stare at the snow. We love you, Bernie. Come inside and have some eggnog. Josh Hawley isn’t here anymore. It’s safe now.
Lord Voldemort?! … I mean, Rick Scott, clearly
Oh, god, sorry! It was the bald head, the skull-like features, and the unblinking eyes that got me confused. I think it’s the spooky vibe as well. He just hasn’t been the same after losing to Mitch McConnell in his run for Senate party leader. He’s been here since my last Christmas party. He shimmied his way into the crawl space and has been living in the walls ever since. Hear that? That’s the sound of him sucking the moisture out of the dry wall. Rick, please come out.
Tim Scott
Go home, Tim Scott. The only thing you’re good at is raising money for the Republican Party. Please stop trying to hand out copies of your memoir. You didn’t even bother to wrap them.
Chris Sununu
“Sununu” is the sound I make right after I breathe in a big, honking snore when I’m sleeping. That’s it. I will not be accepting any more definitions at this time, just as I will not be accepting your Republican presidential bid or your suspiciously store-bought-looking fruitcake.
Elizabeth Warren
OMG LIZ, YOU CAME!!! I thought you’d be too busy making plans to screw over tax-dodging billionaires and mega-corporations alike! Listen, I know that you said that you’ll probably support Biden if he runs again, but you really don’t have to. We love you, girl! Go your own way! You got this!
Gretchen Wieners—I’m sorry, Whitmer
Sorry, girl. I didn’t mean that. I know Biden was planning on making you his Vice President but then snatched it away in a total Mean Girls “and none for Gretchen Wieners” move. You didn’t deserve that. I know you’re busy making moves in Michigan, but the federal government could really use you if you change your mind.
Glenn Youngkin
GLENN, STOP SINGING COWBOY INTERPRETATIONS OF CHRISTMAS SONGS IN THE STREET. IT’S NOT GOING TO MAKE ME LET YOU IN. I DID NOT APPRECIATE YOUR RENDITION OF “JINGLE SPURS” JUST AS I DID NOT APPRECIATE YOU REPEALING PROTECTIONS FOR TRANSGENDER STUDENTS THAT HAD ALREADY BEEN SIGNED INTO LAW. NAUGHTY LIST. NAUGHTY LIST. NAUGHTY LIST.
(featured image: Melina Mara, The Washington Post)
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