The Worst Sexy Halloween Costumes of 2023
Just ... why?
We are almost in the middle of October, so hopefully you already have your Halloween costume picked out. Or at least have a vague idea of what you are doing. Are you going with simple? Maybe something scary? If nothing else, you can probably make a statement with a sexy look. As we all know, Halloween is a time of year when you can dress sexy and not be judged. If you find a good costume that makes you feel sexy, I say go for it.
However, just because a costume is labeled as sexy doesn’t mean it is. Granted, what one defines as sexy varies greatly from person to person, yet I think we can all agree some things are just terrible. We have a whole crop of sexy costumes that seem like anything but sexy. At least we can all have a good laugh at the worst sexy Halloween costumes.
Sassy Cynth
The website only lists this as a “Sassy Cynth” costume, but we all know it is supposed to be the torn-up Cynthia doll from Rugrats. It even has the tufts of hair! But why do we need a sexy version of a beat-up doll from a kid’s show?
Sexy Burger Bandit
Have you ever wondered what the Hamburglar had going on under his baggy striped suit? No, neither did I. Now we know that he might be a sexy woman.
Sexy Mario
Most methods of making a costume sexy are just removing fabric from the equation. More skin makes it more appealing, right? Going with that logic, I guess these designers thought men in short overalls, flaunting their shins and slutty knees, would just send us all over the moon. Thank you, sexy Mario.
Sexy Yoshi
Maybe if Mario or Princess Peach never caught your fancy …Yoshi did? Now you can get a sexy version of the adorable dinosaur. That is a sentence I never thought I’d write.
Naughty St. Nick
We’ve all seen the sexy Santa costumes. I get it. We sit on his lap and tell him what you want him to give you. However, the red sheer underwear and faux garter situation is not remotely connected to Santa and doesn’t come off as sexy in this situation.
Sexy Pennywise
As the website says, in this outfit you can be the “IT Girl” this Halloween. Maybe I’m wrong and clowns are actually hot and not terrifying? No, I’m going to stick with terrifying.
Feel Good Farmer
Sometimes I think marketing folks at big companies believe sticking a pot leaf on anything makes it cool. She’s not just a sexy farmer, she’s a sexy marijuana farmer. That means she’s edgier than the standard gingham outfit farmer.
Sexy Victorian Butler
On multiple websites, the “Sexy Haunted Victorian Butler” costume appears. It is an interesting costume. If the person wearing it is attractive, then of course it is sexy. But there is absolutely nothing sexy about this costume or Victorian butlers. I would also like to point out there is a maid version of the costume that is low-cut and with a short skirt.
Sexy Puppet
If you always thought the Saw movies could be a little sexier, then maybe this costume is for you. Billy the Puppet riding around on that little tricycle could look hotter if he was wearing this.
Sexy Fish
This entire list is a question of why anyone would want to sexualize certain things, yet this one takes the cake. Why would you want to make a fish sexy? Secondly, what the hell even is this costume? It’s a sheer wrap with burgundy sort of stripes. How is that a fish? It fails on multiple levels.
Jailhouse Hottie
Honestly, I don’t understand the appeal of making cops and inmates sexy. It’s an unjust system that doesn’t need to be celebrated in any way. Even if you are into the dominance and bondage that is implied with the normal costumes of this variety, the Jailhouse Hottie look makes zero sense. I’m also not a fan of anything with under-boob hanging because I know the magic required to keep everything in place if you are well-endowed. How long was this model able to maintain the illusion before everything fell apart?
Sexy Austin Powers
Austin Powers is not sexy. The entire joke of the movie was how does a gross English dude who wears velvet suits keeps attracting women. Maybe if we make the ugly suit on a woman and remove most of the fabric then it will be sexy. No. And that wig is not helping.
Sexy Vampire Singlet
Vampires are inherently sexy. Dracula has the vast majority of his body covered and you’re still trying to get him to bite your neck. Somehow, these costume designers thought they could improve the design by adding a singlet. Singlets have never added to the sexiness of a situation.
Sexy Gone Fishin’
Someone decided that we needed to make an old man’s hobby sexy. It’s got the bucket hat, the ugly shirt, and the olive green coveralls, only now it’s supposed to be hot. Maybe this could be a couple’s costume along with the sexy fish.
Hottie Flasher
Maybe it’s just me, but the idea of a flasher in a trench coat evokes more feelings of fear than sexiness. The funniest thing about the flasher costume is that it has more fabric than most of the other costumes.
(featured image: Paramount Pictures)
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