After Joe Biden’s performance in the 2024 Presidential Debate, the Democratic Party is a little worried. “Worried” might putting it generously in the same way that calling the Category Five shitstorm that transpired on national television last night a “debate” at all.
But don’t worry! The Democratic Party isn’t without options to replace the underperforming (and barely upright) Joe Biden. Here are some of the Party’s top potential candidates, ranked.
10. The Mike Pence Fly
The fly that landed on the head of Mike Pence during the 2020 Vice Presidential Debate is a promising candidate. First off, he’s got debate experience. He’s been in one before. He’s got charisma. Quite frankly, he’s the only thing that millions of Americans could look at while Mike Pence was talking. But most importantly, he can smell bullshit. That’s why he plopped down on Pence’s hair in the first place, because he knew Pence was spewing torrents of it. When debating a bullshitter like Donald Trump, who’s better qualified to deal with it than a fly?
9. A Wacky Waving Inflatable Balloon Man
Better Call Saul's breakout character The Democratic Party needs a candidate with energy. A real go-getter. Someone with a boundless reservoir of pep and spunk. There is no one in America more qualified to bring that energy than the Wacky Waving Inflatable Balloon Guy who is down the street at my local Honda dealership. He is out there day and night, dancing and waving for this nation to see. He’s a hard worker. Tireless. And so much more fun to look at!
8. A House Plant With Googly Eyes Glued To It
Dear readers, in just one trip to Michael’s arts and crafts store, I think that I may have just created the solution that the Democratic Party has been searching for all along. After gluing my recently purchased googly eyes onto a Christmas Cactus that I picked up in the checkout line at Trader Joe’s, what I saw before me was not a childlike attempt at home decor, but a candidate with a real shot at the nomination. Senator Googly opened his eyes mere moments ago, but he’s already taken root in the political ecosystem, and he’s prepared to grow into the president that this country so desperately deserves.
7. JFK’s Reanimated Corpse
Perhaps what the Democratic Party needs is not new blood, but an old favorite. A new VERSION of an old favorite! May I suggest that the Democratic Party recruits the world’s top minds to exhume the corpse of beloved Democratic President John F. Kennedy and reanimate him through the use of scientific or occult means? I think I may, I just did.
6. The Maud’dib
After the disaster that was the 2024 Presidential Debate, the Democratic Party appears to have lost all hope. We need that hope to return. We need The Maud’dib. Call me a radical, but I believe that with just the right amount of Bene Gesserit subliminal suggestion, the American people will be willing to accept The Maud’dib as both their Lord and Savior and the next President of the United States of America. And He shall lead us to a Green Paradise! And I don’t mean the party of Jill Stein!
5. Hawk Tuah Girl
It’s clear that what the Democratic Party needs is a young candidate. I can’t think of a better option than the Hawk Tuah Girl, whose street-side dissertation on proper oral sex technique made her a viral sensation among the youth of America. It’s apparent from her interview that she is willing to really dive into the difficult issues, and if necessary, spit all over them.
4. An Owl Wearing a Graduation Cap
Perhaps what the Democratic Party needs is an appeal to authority. An expert opinion. After all, the Democratic Party famously touted the merits of such appeals during the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic. I can’t think of a better-qualified expert than an owl wearing a graduation cap. Owls are wise birds, and this particular owl sought to further his education by attending a prestigious university and graduating with a degree. A degree in what? It doesn’t matter. What matters is that he was smart enough to pursue higher education and become a valued member of society. Whooo are you gonna vote for? This recent grad owl, that’s who. His campaign slogan writes itself.
3. Whatever Has Been Rummaging Through My Trashcans at Night
I don’t know what has been rummaging through my trash cans at night, but I’ll be damned if I’m not going to attempt to the Democratic Party to nominate it for president. Whenever the mystery creature goes a-rummaging, it does a hell of a job. When I see torn apart garbage bags on my lawn in the morning, that the shows me that this strange being is no stranger to getting down and dirty. When debating a candidate like Donald Trump, the Democratic Party needs a candidate who isn’t afraid to really dig up the dirt. And avocado pits. Used Kleenex. And every else that this little monster carries off into the night.
2. Bees?
I don’t know, maybe bees? I’m not sure, but I feel like a swarm of bees will do the Democratic Party better than the candidate they’re currently backing? Debates would be a non-issue, bees are unafraid to sting any opponent into submission. Bees also know how to run an economy and manage honey-related resources. You don’t hear them complaining about inflation in the hive. They’re no strangers to a political climate, they live in a monarchy under the Queen. And they’re fuzzy and sleep next to each other in flowers all cuddled up. That’s just adorable. I’m sure Biden sleeps a lot, but I guarantee it isn’t as cute.
1. Literally Anyone or Anything Else
Please. Anything. A day-old tomato. A lawnmower. Someone’s aunt. That emotional support alligator that was in the news. Elon Musk’s hairplugs. The showrunner for Emily In Paris. Coffee grounds. Sand. That man who hangs out in front of the Seven Eleven in my town and asks me if I want to hear his mixtape who I one day said yes to and the beats were actually pretty fire. Bits of glass. A Reese’s Cup. A stone that has lain untouched at the bottom of a river since the days the Earth was young. Ham and swiss on rye. Jill Biden. ANYTHING is more qualified to run the country than the two waterfalls of verbal diarrhea I saw splashing down on the podiums on the TV.
I know no one’s actually going to replace either of them in this race but we can dream.
