5 Questions I Have for the Man Banned From the Ocean for His Giant Hamster Wheel

First and foremost, you need to understand that no matter how many questions you have upon learning that a man in a giant hamster wheel made out of plastic bubbles has been banned from the ocean indefinitely for trying to cross the ocean in said plastic-bubble-hamster-wheel-contraption, you will only walk away with more questions. There are no resolutions in this story. Each question leads to an infinitely more questions. I’ll explain: Reza Baluchi is a man with a very specific dream, which I’m sure you can probably guess. Unfortunately, the United States Government does not care for Baluchi’s dream, and has demanded he stick to dry land:

Reza Baluchi, an Iranian athlete, got about 70 miles off the Georgia coast until he was spotted in the contraption by the US Coast Guard.

He then proceeded to have a nearly three-day standoff with the USCG, in which he refused to leave the hamster wheel, claiming he wanted to keep going to London.

Eventually, authorities extracted him from the vessel, which was judged to be “manifestly unsafe”, and took him back to shore.

Here is a picture of a standoff between the Coast Guard and Baluchi because there are some things you genuinely need to see with your own eyes in order to believe:

Notice how I said “a” above? That’s because you’ll notice that image is from 2016. This is because the most recent standoff was not Baluchi’s first attempt to cross Poseidon’s realm in his bubble “boat” (and I use that term in the very loosest sense). No, friends, he has been trying to take to the high seas in that thing since 2014. Unfortunately, if the United States Government has its way, it will be his last attempt: after the standoff, which included fake bomb threats on Baluchi’s part (in case that wasn’t clear), he has now been banned from the ocean. Again, it seems, because the above Coast Guard tweet seems to imply he was told in 2016 to stay outta the ocean, then, too.

As I said, this story only raises more questions once you read about it because I don’t think any of us will ever truly understand it. These are my top five.

Question #1: Who’s gonna enforce the ocean ban? Poseidon?!

Now, I am not a maritime law expert by any stretch of the imagination, but it was my understanding that many parts of the ocean are international waters and thus beyond the jurisdiction of the small-minded American court system. Furthermore, if Baluchi was able to get to said waters, the U.S. would be unlikely to take him because he is a foreign national. (Assuming that he is not flying the American flag on his bubble-ship of dreams.)

Question #2: Was he not deterred by the OceanGate implosion?

Perhaps if there was anything we learned this summer, it’s that even though you have a dream and possibly billions of dollars, those things alone will not help you survive the harsh environment of Davy Jones’ locker. Personally, I don’t know how anyone could see what happened to, well, let’s call it an”unconventional” watercraft, and not do a teensy bit of reflection over your own “unconventional” craft that has been deemed “manifestly unsafe” by the Coast Guard, an organization that probably knows a thing or two about vessel safety.

Question #3: Did Baluchi remember his GPS and charger this time?

Possibly my favorite detail to come out of this is that, on a previous excursion, Baluchi had to abort his trip from Florida to New York because he forgot his GPS and charging cables. Look, we’ve all been there: primed and ready for a journey only to arrive at our destination without a key component. (In my case, it’s usually pajamas.) I can’t help but wonder how you could make it out into the open ocean—a wild and untamed place—and only then realize you forgot your GPS. That seems like an oversight on Baluchi’s part. Surely you would have to plan thoroughly before you took to a transatlantic crossing in a plastic bubble. What do I know, though? I have my two feet firmly planted on land. I do not understand the siren call of the open ocean while ensconced in a bubble.

Question #4: How does Baluchi take care of human needs while en route?!

I mean, this seems self-explanatory, but I desperately need to know how he sleeps, eats, and eliminates on a “watercraft” that is literally made of buoys and dreams and has no basis in physics or an understanding of human mortality. Look at that above tweet. It looks like he barely has room to move in there, let alone take a quick power nap, drink some Gatorade, and eat a Kind Bar. This is one of those questions where I need to know the answer, but I don’t want to know the answer if you catch my drift.

Question #5: What exactly was Baluchi planning to do once he arrived in London?!

So let’s say Baluchi was able to evade authorities, survive the open ocean, and float? roll? barrel? up to London, his final destination on this failed voyage. What then?! We’ve seen his boat. There isn’t exactly room “onboard” for a few days’ worth of clothing, is there? This is a man who forgot his GPS on a previous travel attempt. It is not out of the realm of possibility that he would also forget his passport here, is it? What was the ultimate plan, then? Did he think he would be welcomed at the port of London like a 21st-century Charles Lindbergh?! How would he get back? Was he planning on hanging out in London for a while? Take in a show on the West End, maybe? Or was the plan to get out of the bubble, wave, and then get back into his plastic trap of death destiny and head on home to Florida? Did Florida make him like this, or was it like finally finding your true home once he ended up there?

See?! Every question only inspires infinitely more questions. I am confident of two things here, though: One, we will never get answers to any of this; and two, here is no way in hell Baluchi is going to abide by the ocean ban. Clearly, the land law is for the land, and for Baluchi, his life, his lover, and his lady is the sea.

That man has a dream and possibly, nay, probably a death wish, and the only thing that will stop him is achieving it, dying, or prison. That last one isn’t entirely off the table because, again, the man did threaten the Coast Guard with a bomb. They don’t give you a mulligan just because it turned out to be a fake bomb. According to The New York Times, he’s currently out on a $250,000 bond. Time will only tell if he will abide by the court’s order or take to the high seas in his bubble once more.

(featured image: Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures / Getty Images)