101 Things We Wish Apple Gave Us Instead of That U2 Album and How to Get Rid of It

Who knew Apple would be the ones to really damage their “virus-free” claims? Somehow, through some tech sorcery called “the cloud” and “business deals involving lots of money,” an unwanted U2 album has worked its way onto your phone! Malware! Don’t worry, there’s a way to get rid of it, and we have some suggestions for what Apple could give us instead.

If you want to stop the songs from coming up in shuffle, the removal process is fairly easy. Just head to the iTunes store in the iTunes app on your computer and click on “Purchased” under “Quick Links” on the right hand side. Then, put your mouse over the album in your list of purchases, click on the little X in the corner, and click “hide” when the dialog box pops up. U2 will never interrupt your show tunes or 80s power ballads again.

Don’t fret. If you suddenly lose all taste in music, you can still get it back through your account page.

Billboard says the free album has only been downloaded by .04% (200,000) of Apple’s 500,000,000 iTunes subscribers who now see it in their libraries. We’re in agreement with the other 99.96%, so here are our 100% serious suggestions for 101 things we’d rather get from Apple:

1. Chlamydia
2. Vertigo—but like actual vertigo, though
3. A gritty reboot of Care Bears
4. A hook for a hand
5. One of those creepy crawling robots
6. Money for a different album
7. A porcupine sofa
8. An angry Wookiee
9. A cookie that you think is going to have chocolate chips in it but then you bite into it and it’s raisins
10. A fourth Hobbit film
11. Used chewing gum
12. An entire album of bad radio ads
13. A horny dog
14. A case of Budweiser Lime-a-Rita
15. An actual iPhone virus
16. Cliff house
17. The scarf that guy was wearing during the Apple presentation
18. A regular, non-smart watch
19. An Apple Watch, and that’s saying a lot
20. A swift kick in the metaphorical nuts
21. A crushing sense of ennui and existential despair
22. A full-face tattoo of the Ninja Turtles, hulked-up redesign version
23. The complete works of Rick Astley
24. Moldy cheese
25. A pet rock
26. A box full of snakes
27. A bad apple
28. The Tohou song “Bad Apple!!” played on a loop
29. A goth cheeseburger
30. An RC Cola enema
31. The 15 minutes of our lives back from the U2 announcement
32. A truck full of bees. Beads?
33. A chestburster
34. All of the numbers between 4 and 14, in Spanish
35. Whatever this is
36. The Amazing Spider-Man 3
37. U2’s Zooropa album
38. A wedgie?
39. The Edge’s beanie
40. A Garfield “I Hate Mondays” mug
41. An iPod that only plays “Elevation” on repeat
42. A prop from Batman & Robin
43. A dust bunny
44. Those guys from Improv Everywhere who pretended to be U2 on a roof one time
45. UB40, because they have 38 more Us and also a B
46. Underwear made of wasps
47. A partridge in a pear tree
48. A spot in Hannibal Lecter’s rolodex
49. SOCKS FOR CHRIST’S SAKE
50. 100 spider-sized horses
51. 1 horse-sized spider
52. 100 horse-sized spiders
53. A Weasley sweater
54. A Cosby sweater
55. Questionable erotic fanfiction
56. A sign that we matter in the context of the Universe
57. A message from beyond the grave
58. A tamagotchi
59. The Phone Ranger
60. A Motorola RAZR
61. An anesthetic-free root canal
62. A curse of explosive flatulence
63. Missingno
64. A vomit-flavored Bertie Botts Every Flavor Bean
65. Parents (Bruce Wayne wrote that one)
66. The hero we deserve
67. The means to fight injustice
68. Yoga lessons from Milo Manara
69. Ethics lessons from a #GamerGate-r
70. Another Kardashian
71. Zombie apocalypse
72. Asteroid apocalypse
73. The rapture
74. Rain on our wedding day
75. A free ride, when we’ve already paid
76. Pumpkin spice condoms
77. Nothing at all
78. India
79. Terror
80. Disillusionment
81. Frailty
82. Consequence
83. Silence
84. A Zune
85. Bed bugs
86. A screaming goat in an enclosed room
87. A Michael Bay directed Gilmore Girls movie
88. A Tribble
89. A Nazgûl
90. A Gollum
91. A Golem
92. Potatoes for the golem to throw at the gollum
93. A ride on Disney World’s Tea Cups on a full stomach
94. An MP3 of Peter Dinklage’s worst voice acting in Destiny
95. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull on Blu-Ray
96. A spec script for a Wonder Woman movie, as written by Steven Moffat
97. A bezoar
98. Windows 8 for iPhone
99. A Charley Horse
100. Dysentery
101. One more thing

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