Allow Me, a Simple English Major, to Decode FBI Director Comey’s Goodbye Letter

I always knew that my degree in English literature that I am still paying for would one day prove to be crucial in a world crisis. Now, I will expertly use the unique skills that I was trained in, like close reading and deconstructing the nuances of subtext from sentences, to translate ex-FBI Director Comey’s farewell letter to his colleagues for the masses.

To all:

I DIDN’T EVEN ACTUALLY GET TO SEND THIS TO EVERYONE IN THE DEPARTMENT BECAUSE I WAS SHOVED OUT LIKE A GODDAMNED PARIAH WHO HAD PISSED IN H.R.’S COFFEE SO FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW POST IT ON FREAKIN’ FACEBOOK SO THAT YOUR GRANDMOTHER SEES IT PRINT OUT COPIES AND DROP THEM FROM OUR STEALTH SPY AIRPLANES OVER THE AMBER FIELDS OF AMERICA MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS

I’M OFFICIALLY NAILING THIS SHIT TO THE CHURCH DOOR LIKE MARTIN LUTHER

I have long believed that a President can fire an FBI Director for any reason, or for no reason at all.

IN CASE IT’S NOT PERFECTLY CLEAR I’M THE LATTER CASE Y’ALL OR ELSE I WOULDN’T HAVE MENTIONED IT

I’m not going to spend time on the decision or the way it was executed.

YEAH I’M NOT GONNA GO INTO IT HERE BECAUSE H.R.’S LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER BUT THE FACT THAT I MENTION “THE DECISION” IS MEANT TO BE A BIG RED FLAG CALLING YOUR ATTENTION TO SHITBAG TRUMP’S SHITBAG DECISION

AND THE FACT THAT I ALSO MENTION THE WAY IT WAS EXECUTED IS MEANT TO REMIND YOU THAT THAT MOTHERF–ER DIDN’T EVEN HAVE THE BASIC RESPECT TO CALL ME OR LOOK ME IN THE EYE WHEN HE FIRED ME LISTEN FRIENDS WE TREAT FBI TRAINEES BETTER WHEN WE CATCH THEM DOING SILENCE OF THE LAMBS COSPLAY IN THE QUANTICO DORMS AT NIGHT

LISTEN FRIENDS ENTRY-LEVEL TEMPS GET BETTER TREATMENT THAN YOUR MAN HERE WHO DEDICATED DECADES OF HIS LIFE TO KEEPING THIS GODFORSAKEN COUNTRY SAFE WHILE TRUMP LIVED IN A GOLDEN TOWER HOSTING REALITY TELEVISION SHOWS AND GRABBING PUSSIES YOU BEST BELIEVE YOU BETTER SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME THINKING ABOUT HOW THIS WAS HANDLED EVEN TOTAL FAILURES GET A HEADS-UP FIRST AND I’M STILL WAITING TO HEAR ABOUT SEVERANCE FROM H.R.

I hope you won’t either.

I HOPE YOU WILL

It is done, and I will be fine, although I will miss you and the mission deeply.

I’M NOT FINE I’M NOT FINE I’M BARELY KEEPING IT TOGETHER DID Y’ALL HEAR HOW THAT SONNOVABITCH IN CHIEF WAITED UNTIL I WAS OUT OF THE STATE TO FIRE ME AND SENT HIS PERSONAL BODYGUARD WITH A NOTE TO FBI HEADQUARTERS EVEN THOUGH I WASN’T THERE LIKE THAT IS SOME DOWNTON ABBEY SHIT YOU’RE GONNA MAKE THE BUTLER DO YOUR DIRTYWORK AND SEND A MCFRICKEN NOTE AS THOUGH ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL DIDN’T SOLVE THIS COMMUNICATION PROBLEM IN 1876 FUCK

I have said to you before that, in times of turbulence, the American people should see the FBI as a rock of competence, honesty, and independence.

RED FLAG RED FLAG SIRENS TO ARMS MY PEOPLE THIS IS A TIME OF TURBULENCE OR ELSE I WOULDN’T HAVE SAID SO

WE’RE IN DEEP DOODOO HERE NOW SO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’VE GOTTA DO: BE HONEST AND INDEPENDENT BY WHICH I MEAN TELL THE COUNTRY WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON HERE LEAK YOUR LEAKY LIL HEARTS OUT BE INDEPENDENT ANSWER TO NO ONE IN THAT CORRUPT FESTERING WOUND OF AN ADMINISTRATION FBI GOING ROGUE NOW

What makes leaving the FBI hard is the nature and quality of its people, who together make it that rock for America.

HERE I AM REMINDING YOU AGAIN WE ARE AMERICA’S ONLY HOPE YOU ARE ALL NOW OBI-WAN KENOBI ONLY AMERICAN

It is very hard to leave a group of people who are committed only to doing the right thing.

THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I’VE DIRECTLY CHARGED YOU WITH BUCKING ALL CONVENTIONS AND AUTHORITY AND TAKING THESE BASTARDS THE HELL DOWN NEED I SPELL IT OUT AGAIN OK I WILL: “ONLY DOING THE RIGHT THING” AND I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS

My hope is that you will continue to live our values and the mission of protecting the American people and upholding the Constitution.

DONNIE TRUMPO HAS INVOKED A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS AND HE’S WIPING HIS ASS WITH OUR MOST SACRED DOCUMENT THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME I HAVE EXPLICITLY TOLD YOU THAT YOU HAD BETTER STEP UP

If you do that, you too will be sad when you leave, and the American people will be safer.

SORRY YOU’RE GOING TO BE FIRED AS WELL BY THIS CANCER ON THE AMERICAN STATE IT’S GOING TO BE WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER BUT THE COUNTRY’S FREEDOM IS ACTUALLY AT STAKE HERE DESTROY HIM LIKE A GREAT AVENGING EAGLE

Working with you has been one of the great joys of my life. Thank you for that gift.

IF I EVER MEANT ANYTHING TO YOU MY G-MEN AND G-WOMEN YOU WILL BURN THIS MOTHER DOWN

Jim Comey

CALL ME JIM BECAUSE I’M JUST AN EVERYMAN CITIZEN NOW THAT THIS ORANGE WANNABE DICTATOR TERMINATED ME SO LET’S GRAB A BEER SOMETIME I’M FREE MOST NIGHTS THIS WEEK AND NEXT AND THE WEEK AFTER THAT I HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON MY HANDS ALL OF A SUDDEN EVER SINCE I WAS RELIEVED OF MY NONPARTISAN TEN-YEAR APPOINTMENT THAT NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN FIRED FROM BEFORE EXCEPT DUE TO SERIOUS ETHICAL BREACH AND I REMIND YOU I LEARNED I WAS FIRED FROM THE GODDAMNED TELEVISION LIKE A LAUGHINGSTOCK ME JIM COMEY I HAVE SEEN THINGS YOU PEOPLE WOULDN’T BELIEVE I KNOW WHERE ALL THE BODIES ARE BURIED OUR PRESIDENT IS ONE STUPID ASSHOLE ISN’T HE ANYWAY THE FATE OF THE NATION IS ON THE LINE THESE ARE YOUR ORDERS JIM OUT

(via CNN, image: Wikimedia Commons)

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