Things We Saw Today: T. rex Dinosaurs Couldn’t Run, So Jurassic Park Flat-Out LIED To Me

Jurassic Park was a lie!!!

Scientists created a computer simulation that shows T. rex dinos wouldn’t have been capable of moving faster than 12mph. The new research negates past proposals that the mighty beast could run fast and snap menacingly at SUVs and Jeff Goldblum.

“T. rex would’ve broken its tiny legs if it tried to run,” says TIME magazine. I say, STEVEN SPIELBERG, YOUR ANIMATRONIC DINOSAUR LIED RIGHT TO MY FACE! SCIENTISTS, YOU HAVE RUINED MY CHILDHOOD. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY WITH YOUR SCIENCE WHICH IS COLD COMFORT THE NEXT TIME I WATCH JURASSIC PARK A.K.A MADE OF LIES THE MOVIE. I DON’T CARE IF A LOT OF THE SCIENCE IN THAT FILM IS IFFY I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF THIS CASUALLY STROLLING T. REX.

• In further paleontological news, a 9-year old in New Mexico tripped, fell, and discovered a million-year-old Stegomastodon skull. Some kids have all the luck. Relatedly, this is how the next Jurassic World movie should start. (via NY Times)
• Hamilton‘s Daveed Diggs will star as a mover in a movie “set against the colorful backdrop of a rapidly gentrifying Oakland.” I’m so happy my boyfriend keeps landing cool gigs! (via Deadline)
• Men are getting in on the action of the popular “Girl Who …” psychological thriller novels and are adopting “gender ambiguous” pen names in order to market their books to largely female audiences. Somewhere George Eliot is narrowing her eyes. (via Jezebel)
• Speaking of gender ambiguous pen names, Joanne, two new Harry Potter-themed books full of “historical” magical information will be published to coincide with an exhibition at the British Library. Their titles are Harry Potter: A History of Magic – The Book of The Exhibition and Harry Potter – A Journey Through A History of Magic and Hermione Granger has already read them. (via Nerdist)
• Continuing on the magic beat, Charmed is coming back as a graphic novel aimed at teenagers. (via Comicsbeat)
• Jim Henson’s family claims they fired the longtime Kermit the frog puppeteer because Kermit was being played as a “bitter, angry, depressed victim.” This whole thing makes me sad. (via WaPo)
• What the hell was this, Samsung? (via The Verge)

So what’d you see today, my chipper, clear, cheerful, assertive, confident, clear people?

LOOK OUT!!!

OR MAYBE JUST RUN REALLY FAST.

(image: Universal)

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