Disney+ arriving in time for the holidays—is it a blessing or a curse? Does the thought of possibly missing the next episode of The Mandalorian because of familial obligations wake you up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat? Or does the prospect of tuning out family squabbles with the dulcet tones of A Goofy Movie make you breathe a sigh of relief? Personally, I believe it is something we should truly give thanks for, because it has provided us with an opportunity to look back on all of treasured childhood favorites and realize just how truly, truly horny they were!
That’s right! I have compiled a list of THE horniest songs in the Disney catalog! So make a playlist (or plug your ears and hide from the profaning of your innocent kiddie classics) and rock out with your cock out because darling it is better down where it’s wetter! Take it from me!
1. Gaston! (Beauty and the Beast)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVdgaSuAjII
Most of the songs on this list aren’t specifically ranked but I had to give Gaston the number one spot because this song isn’t about just one character being horny for another, but LeFou leading the entire town to declare their unbridled and unified horniness for Gaston. There’s wrestling, there’s spitting, there’s swallowing, there’s even a cream pie moment. Also that bit with the belt might be what made the entire Millennial and Gen Z generations obsessed with erotic asphyxiation. Bonus points because it’s a bi-sexual orgy in a tavern. Gaston is peak Disney horniness!
2. Hellfire (Hunchback of Notre Dame)
Claude Frollo is not just one of the greatest Disney villains (hello butch Bea Arthur realness!) but he also has one of the best villain solos in the entire Disney canon. And by best I mean horniest! His lust for Esmeralda burns through him (literally) and because he’s the worst kind of Catholic he can’t just go jerk it and feel better. Instead he sniffs her scarf a lot and declares that if he can’t have her then hell can!
3. A Whole New World (Aladdin)
Not only does this song seem to be a metaphor for losing your virginity but it is perhaps one of the most parodied Disney songs of all time (just google “A Whole Nude World” but make sure those safety settings are ON!) This song proves that even our chaste protagonists and ingenues can yearn to get down and see if the flying carpet matches the drapes if you know what I mean.
4. Let Me Be Good To You (The Great Mouse Detective)
The Great Mouse Detective is an underrated Disney gem from the 90s and also includes a literal burlesque striptease song right in the middle of it! Miss Kitty (even though she’s a mouse) sings and strips for the ruffians at the Rat Trap, telling them that she will “take off all her blues” (meaning her blue costume and I guess any sad emotions?) and that “there’s nothin’ I won’t do for you.” She is D to the F my friends. And honestly? Good for her! Get that hot rough neck action Miss Kitty!
5. He’s a Tramp (Lady and the Tramp)
Piggybacking off of “Let Me Be Good to You” is Disney’s OG vamp Peg from Lady and the Tramp. (Yes, I know Lady and the Tramp came out in 1955, but for the purposes of this list, it’s coming after because it’s less sexually explicit.) Tramp’s former flame and forever thirsty for him, Peg is also a former star of the “Dog and Pony Follies.” Disney loves splashing around in the burlesque pool—maybe to give bored dads something to get … excited about? Either way, Peg will always be down to clown with Tramp whenever he comes around, while also being the confusing fodder of a lot of people’s first crushes (right up there with foxy Robin Hood).
6. A Girl Worth Fighting For (Mulan)
It’s a universal fact that no one is hornier than soldiers! (Don’t @ me on this.) So naturally Mulan‘s own band of brothers sing about their perfect woman and also reveal their very specific fetishes. Yao has a tattoo fetish. Chi-Fu has a mommy fetish. Ling … well Ling is down for everything. Unfortunately for our soldier boys, their song is interrupted by the biggest boner killer of all—the travesties of war.
7. Be Prepared (The Lion King)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkU23m6yX04
That’s right! Scar is horny! Horny for POWER. And while he has some definite issues with consent, he does give some good advice about practicing safe conquests. It’s always best to be prepared after all! Plus the climax of his song involves him riding a giant rock hard phallus that erupts out of a steaming crevice. You get the picture.
Honorable Mentions:
- Under the Sea (The Little Mermaid) – purely for the above mentioned “it’s better down where it’s wetter” lyric
- Can You Feel the Love Tonight (The Lion King) – It’s cheesy as hell but it is about two lions boning down!
- The Bare Necessities (The Jungle Book) – Baloo living that nudist life
- I Can Go the Distance (Hercules) – Hercules is horny! Horny for belonging.
(Image: Disney)
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Published: Nov 29, 2019 02:00 pm