The M&Ms Culture War Is Getting Out of Hand

Shit like this makes me want to leave the internet forever.

Conservatives are mad again. At what, you ask? Well, first it was Crocs. Then it was an American Girl Doll book. Now it’s candy. More specifically, M&Ms. Even MORE specifically, the footwear choices of one of the M&Ms “spokescandies.”

What the $%^& is a “spokescandy,” you ask? Buckle up gang, this will be a bumpy ride.

Who are the “Spokescandies”?

You’ve seen them before. On bags of M&Ms and on your TV screen during Super Bowl commercial breaks. They’re those near-human sized anthropomorphic M&Ms with hands and feet and eyes and mouths that are always trying to not get eaten by a hungry American populace. The two most famous spokescandies are Red and Yellow, a red regular M&M and a yellow peanut M&M, respectively.

But they aren’t the only M&Ms in the gang.

Since the creation of Red and Yellow, the good people in Mars’ candy advertising department have come up with a—for lack of a better term—handful of other M&Ms to represent their corporate interests. There’s the neurotic Orange, the suave Blue, the kinky librarian Brown, and the absolute sex icon Green.

Except Green isn’t a sex icon anymore.

The company recently unveiled a new design for the M&M squad in an effort to make the brand “more inclusive, welcoming, and unifying.” What does that mean? Green now wears flats and Brown is wearing a slightly more sensible heel.

Oh, Jesus, I see the problem now. “Inclusive” is the trigger word.

Conservatives were quick to condemn the change (more on this in a minute), no doubt unhappy with the squad’s new identity as “wokescandies.” Bafflingly enough, the rest of the internet seems to have jumped aboard the outrage train as well. Rolling Stone recently published an article titled “Let the Green M&M Be a Nasty Little Slut” because THAT’S the kind of article our corrupt and war-ravaged planet needs in order to further the ultimate goal of universal human tolerance and understanding. Other public figures claim that Green has been “reverse yassified,” and I’m like, GIRL SHE’S BEEN WALKING IN THOSE HEELS FOR 20 YEARS, LET THAT QUEEN REST.

So M&Ms are getting a ton of heat. They’re basically being death-gripped by the hot, sweaty palm of the internet. And we all know what happens to M&Ms when you keep them in your hand for too long, right? They melt. And that’s exactly what Mars did as well.

In response to the controversy, M&Ms announced that they would be pulling their spokescandies “indefinitely,” (or at least until the this Category 5 shitstorm blows over) and replacing them with Maya Rudolph.

What does Maya Rudolph have to do with this?

You know, Maya Rudolph? From SNL? She does an impression of Kamala Harris? That Maya Rudolph! And I honestly don’t even know how to feel. The fact that there is a war raging in Ukraine but that America is so worried about the footwear of decades-old fictional candy mascots that we had to REPLACE them with a TV star just for the “controversy” to die down—it boggles my mind. The fact that I even have to write the word “controversy” in the same sentence as “M&Ms” makes me want to peace out. I’m done. I quit, America. You win. Just let me crawl into a hole where I never have to see the cold, gray light of an iPhone screen ever again.

But I can’t crawl away into a dark hole, can I? Nope! Because this is America after all, and someone would likely try to charge me RENT for living in a subterranean cave. I’d probably have to pay a goddamn property tax on my dingy little hovel, too. So that means baby’s gotta make money somehow. And how is baby gonna do that? By writing about the fake shoes of a bunch of fake candy mascots.

It’s worth noting that Mars plans on debuting a new M&Ms ad during the Super Bowl. As Slate points out, the teaser image for that 30-second ad features the “spokecandies” in (sexy, sexy) silhouette, making it pretty likely that this whole Maya Rudolph switcheroo is part of a marketing ploy.

What’s up with the shoes?

So what’s wrong with the shoes?

Nothing. Truly nothing. WE DIDN’T EVEN DO AWAY WITH THE HEELS. BROWN M&M IS LITERALLY STILL WEARING HEELS. IF YOU CAN’T GET OFF AT NIGHT WITHOUT KNOWING THAT SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, THERE IS A SEXY M&M WEARING HIGH HEELS, THEN JUST THINK OF BROWN M&M. WHY DOES THE SEXY M&M NEED TO BE GREEN FOR YOU TO GET YOUR ROCKS OFF?

Honestly, the only M&M whose shoes need work are Blue M&M’s. I don’t even know how he can walk in those things. They must weigh 16 pounds each.

But this “controversy” goes deeper than just M&Ms footwear. Conservatives have also managed to find a “problem” with the brand new Purple M&M. And can you guess what it is?

What’s the “controversy” about the Purple M&M? (Spoiler: It’s trans panic)

Yes, you read that right. Conservatives are now freaking out that the Purple M&M might be trans. And I’m sorry, but their beloved Green M&M has been giving off TRUCKLOADS of trans energy ever since her inception. Brown M&M, too. But they’re JUST NOW worried that these candies may in fact be trying to spread a “woke” trans-inclusive message. And no one is more worried about woke candies than …

Fucker Carlson, who else?

Yep, ol’ Tuck Tuck Goose it at it again. This man is ENRAGED that these candies now lack “sex appeal.” He’s currently lamenting the fact that he no longer wants to “have a drink” with these cartoon characters. And I’m like … Tucker … the only DRINK you should be having with M&Ms is a tall glass of MILK before you trundle off to bedtime. It’s a school night, Tucker. You really should be asleep. ‘Cause here’s the thing, Tucker, by getting ANGRY at these “unsexy” M&Ms, you’re actually HELPING the company that you newly despise to MAKE MONEY.

It’s kind of brilliant. By coming out with a “woke” message, M&Ms are inviting attacks from right wing asshats all across America. Those asshats will then do all the M&Ms promotional work FOR THEM. It’s FREE ADVERTISING. They are actually SUPPORTING the company that they all now claim to hate! It’s a mind hack on an entirely new level. Tucker Carlson apparently ENJOYED simping for chocolate cartoon candy women, and if you take that away from him, you are QUITE LITERALLY stealing candy from a baby. And what do babies do when things get taken away from them? They cry.

That’s all this is, stupid baby tears. They want their MILFy Green M&M mommy back, but she’s not coming back. She’s been wearing those heels for too long, so she’s kicking her feet up and relaxing. She deserves it, after all.

(featured image: Mars, Inc.)