Right-Wing Pundits Are Seriously Trying To Claim Silicon Valley Bank Collapsed Because It Was Too ‘Woke’

Stop me if you heard this one, but did you know that the second-largest bank collapse in U.S. history was actually because Silicon Valley Bank was too woke? Well, if you’re a right-wing ghoul, this is what you believe, or at the very least, are pushing on TV and social media.

That’s right, friends, banks are apparently succumbing to that “woke mind virus” Fox News has been warning us about. Excuse me while I laugh a lot. At this point, conservative pundits must just have a bag where they put in slips of paper with words written on them like “woke,” “groomer,” and “Antifa” and when something happens in the news they’ve decided to blame the left for, they reach into their bag, pull out a word and decide to themselves “yes, this is who we’ll pin this on.” Does it need to make sense? Nope, it’s on the paper, just go with it!

So no, according to this horrible Republican Texas Rep, James Comer, SVB was one of the “wokest” banks out there—at least that’s what he told Fox News.

In case you wanted to preserve your brain cells and not watch the video, Rep. Comer blamed “DEI” (diversity, equity, and inclusion) and “ESG” policies for the collapse. I’m going to pull this definition straight from Investopedia for you:

Environmental, social, and governance (ESG) investing refers to a set of standards for a company’s behavior used by socially conscious investors to screen potential investments.

Environmental criteria consider how a company safeguards the environment, including corporate policies addressing climate change, for example. Social criteria examine how it manages relationships with employees, suppliers, customers, and the communities where it operates. Governance deals with a company’s leadership, executive pay, audits, internal controls, and shareholder rights.

LOL. So basically, the bank’s policy of CYA (that’s “cover your ass”) is suddenly a leftist conspiracy? Are you for real?! ESG is just corporate feel-good jargon for “we want to make sure we’re not investing in sweatshops” come on, people!

I hate to do this to you, but I’m going to let you know what one of the Trumps feel on the matter:

To reiterate, SVB was just a bank. It was doing the regular things banks were doing. I do not understand how these idiots collectively decided it collapsed because of ideology and not very short-sighted policies, and an absolutely terrible external communications strategy. (Hold that thought.) Donald Trump Jr. remains an idiot.

Here Ben Collins (who did not pay for his blue check mark and is a Senior Reporter for NBC News) gives the short answer for why SVB failed: an “undiversified client portfolio.” As to the bank run, I have to share some wildly speculative insider info from CNN, because it really seems like SVB CEO, Greg Becker might be a huge moron?

One Silicon Valley Bank employee, who requested anonymity to speak candidly, was dumbfounded by how Becker publicly acknowledged the extent of the bank’s financial troubles before privately lining up the necessary financial support to ride out the storm.

This set the stage for the panic that ensued as customers scrambled to pull their money.

“That was absolutely idiotic,” the employee, who works on the asset management side of Silicon Valley Bank, told CNN in an interview. “They were being very transparent. It’s the exact opposite of what you’d normally see in a scandal. But their transparency and forthright-ness did them in.”

So, that’s a big no-no, because it tells your customers that everything is not sunshine and roses, and gives them an opportunity to pull their funds because they don’t have faith in your ability to keep the bank afloat, because remember: the FDIC only insures deposits up to $250,000.

Here’s another choice quote, which made me laugh a lot:

“People are just shocked at how stupid the CEO is,” the Silicon Valley Bank insider said. “You’re in business for 40 years and you are telling me you can’t raise $2 billion privately? Get on a jet and fly to Kuwait like everyone else and give them control of one-third of the bank.”

So with all that in mind, I’d like to share with you truly, the dumbest hot take of all that I’ve seen on the SVB collapse:

Yes, that’s right, not enough white guys at the helm of SVB to keep it afloat. It’s not like white men haven’t been behind every other financial collapse in history, we need them at the helm, here, too. I’d also like to point out that Greg Becker, who at least one person is quoted as saying he’s a f*cking moron, and who may be singularly behind the bank run that led to the collapse of SVB Bank, is a white guy. I guess we need 11 more of them because reasons?! Make this make sense!

Look, if there’s any real takeaway here, it’s that we should all go a little easier on ourselves at work. I’ve screwed up here and there, but I’ve never done a second-largest-bank-collapse-in-history oopsie.

Except for the conservative fearmongers trying to blame the collapse on anything other than inexplicable management decisions and terrible external communication choices. Those idiots should be a lot harder on themselves. I think we all agree on that.

(featured image: Michael M. Santiago/Getty Images)