Dior’s Baby Skincare Line Sounds Like a ’30 Rock’ Plot for Jenna Maroney

You may think a luxury brand skincare line tailored exclusively to babies would be something Jenna Maroney pitched on 30 Rock, but unfortunately, it’s very real and very stupid.

Now, if this were a 30 Rock plotline, it would kick off with Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin) calling Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) up to his office and explaining that the geniuses at GE have finally come up with a new revenue stream: babies. Liz would, of course, scoff at this and tell Jack she wanted nothing to do with his scheme. But Jenna Maroney (Jane Krakowski) would be more than happy to convince parents their baby’s skin was awful. We’d expect nothing less from the host of America’s Kidz Got Singing.

Back to real life, though. Dior thinks your baby’s skin is rough as hell and needs some work. But don’t worry! For the low, low price of your dignity and a few hundred dollars, you can get your baby back on track. Frankly, your baby (or any baby) has had it too good for too long.

Now, you may be wondering how I, a childless woman with no babies in her life, discovered this horrifying new cash grab/parental expectation. It was in a People.com article I read while browsing for the latest and greatest in benign celebrity news:

“The luxury fashion, fragrance and accessories company recently launched a new line of infant skincare, Baby Dior, which is being touted as “a complete skincare line for little ones,” according to a press release obtained by PEOPLE.

The line is a reimagining of the brand’s infant perfume line that originally launched in 1970, per the release, and comes as a four-piece collection.”

Excuse me, what? What were people on in the ’70s to think that babies were out there (figuratively) crying to be artificially scented with their own baby-specific perfume?! Furthermore, what are people on now that makes them think this is a good idea?! Seriously, how is this not an episode of 30 Rock?!

These prices are wild, too:

“First, a “scented water” — named “Bonne Étoile” — is sold for $230 in either a pastel pink or mint green bottle and features hints of pear, wild rose and white musk. Next, a moisturizer for the face and body, Le Lait Très Tendre, retails for $115 and is pear-scented.

Then, the line features La Mousse Très Fondante ($95), a cleaning face, body and hair foam that will, per Dior, “turn baby’s bath time ritual into a precious moment,” as well as L’eau Très Fraîche ($95), a cleaning water which Dior says is “composed of 98% natural-origin ingredients and infused with mallow flower extract.”

People.com

It is beyond the reach of my imagination that this is real life. So many skin care products marketed to women promise something to the effect of “baby-soft skin.” Now the dummies at Dior are out here saying “baby soft” isn’t good enough for literal babies. What?! I genuinely cannot accept this unless Jenna Maroney herself is selling it in an infomercial while Tracy Jordan (Tracy Morgan) tries to undermine her off-camera because he’s jealous he wasn’t picked for the job. Obviously, someone would note that Kenneth the Page (Jack McBrayer) has the softest skin imaginable, which would enrage Jenna and she would try to wear his skin as her own, Buffalo Bill-style.

Again, I do not have children. But even I know babies’ skin is just about the most sensitive thing ever. They can’t even wear sunscreen. That’s why they’re always out there in public looking deliciously dumb in their floppy hats and long sleeves when it’s hot out. I simply do not understand how a skincare line devoted to tiny human beings (that isn’t Vaseline, Aquaphor, or diaper rash cream) is a good idea!

Now, if this were a 30 Rock episode, the endeavor would be wrapped up in the final act. Donaghy would have cut corners on the production line by manufacturing the stuff in a toxic chemical factory. Cross-contamination would cause a rash of “baby Jokers” running amok, and Jenna would have gone temporarily insane by using the products herself. Liz would yell “Shut it down,” and the credits would roll. Unfortunately, 30 Rock has been off the air for 10 years, so there goes my great idea for a spec script. All I can do is strongly encourage anyone purchasing luxury skincare for their babies to consider consulting a doctor first. And not one like Dr. Leo Spaceman. I can’t imagine they would tell you it’s a good idea.

(featured image: Dior, NBC Universal)