There are a lot of Squishmallows out there. Over 1,000, in fact. And that means that along with the more typical toy types, like cats and dragons and puppies, you also get some weirder ones. Esoteric, even. Axolotls, sure; unusual, but it makes sense. Cute fruit? It’s a strange idea but they’re not the first to come up with it. An anthropomorphic bowl of ramen? Now we’re playing Mad Libs and personally, I love it. Similarly, the chaotic geniuses at Squishmallow have come up with an entire line of sentient boba teas, so here they are, ranked by the only metric that matters: whether or not I would drink them (if they were not sentient and were in fact just a delicious drink).
Now, just in case you got here from a quick google of “what are Squishmallows” (or similar) and have no idea what they are, here’s a quick brief: Squishmallows are the softest—and I mean the absolute softest—plush toys around. They’re made from wildly soft plush fabric and have a deeply squishy, marshmallow-like filling (hence the name, get it?). They’re also roughly egg-shaped, limbless, and possessed of the most adorable faces, though the boba Squishmallows deviate from that for obvious reasons.
With that explanation out of the way, here are the boba tea Squishmallows I think would be most delicious if they were a real drink.
Bernice
Though her precise flavor isn’t specified, given her shade of brown she’s probably either ordinary tea or chocolate milk, which are the best flavors. Plus she’s sweet but not too sweet, and I’m now old enough that too much sugar just makes me feel a bit sick. I think that might be cheese foam on top of her head, which I haven’t got ’round to trying yet but definitely want to, so Bernice makes it into my top spot. Her bio even claims she’s the “best boba you’ll ever meet,” as well as a very helpful person in general, so clearly that’s canon. She’s available in most sizes too, which is very convenient.
Bergit
Bergit is colored like a sunrise, so I like to she’s basically a non-alcoholic Tequila Sunrise with boba pearls in it. Plus, her pearls are pink so they’re probably the popping fruit kind (and I know I said the thing about too much sugar, but sometimes bad choices are delicious). According to her bio, she’s basically an instagram babe, planning holidays around murals, neat architecture, and other good photo backdrops, which I feel confirms a tropical flavor profile because of the travel theme. She’s also conveniently available in multiple sizes and has a metallic straw, which is fun.
Poplina
A taro-flavored boba, Poplina comes by her vivid color naturally. I’ve never had taro in a sweet form, but I really, really want to try it, and everyone says it’s delicious. So this one is coming in at a firm three for the aspirational/recommendation factor. The classic tapioca boba would offset it pretty well, especially as Poplina is apparently a “super sweet” boba (though they probably meant in terms of personality instead of flavor), so a less sugary flavor there is probably for the best.
Sevda
What color is she? What flavor? I don’t know, but her 12-inch version is in that family of blue-green-colored things that tend to give me a headache when I eat or drink them. Her bio says she’s an ice skater, so maybe she’s meant to be a shaved ice or a frozen boba drink? That could be good. Her 7.5 inch version is lime green, however, and limeade boba is delicious, so she’s landing at number four for that reason.
Jakkaria
Again, what flavor is she? Blue raspberry? Bubblegum? I don’t know, but I’m concerned. Jakkaria’s boba are pink in one version and blue in another (making her look confusingly like the large version of Sevda), which suggests the popping sugar-syrup kind, just adding more artificial flavor and high fructose corn syrup into the mix. She has a big heart and makes everyone smile, but when it comes to flavor, I’m sorry but it’s all just too much.
Callister and Cadencia
Down in joint last are Callister and Cadencia because as cute as they are, they’re downright unsettling. Are they cats sitting in boba cups, which would be unhygienic but at least offers a plausible, mundane explanation? No, no they are not. These two Squishmallows are somehow half cat and half boba drink, a concept that is firmly in the Franken-horror category.
Callister’s cat part is tan and white, while his tea half is blueberry boba, with a blue-and-white striped straw coming out of his head. Cadencia is pink and white, with strawberry boba tea and a pink-and-white straw also upsettingly placed in her little kitty cat head. They’re even available in flip form, where one is always hidden inside the other. Perhaps fortunately, no personality seems to be listed anywhere. I don’t know, I just don’t know how they’d translate into the real world in drink form, but I wouldn’t drink them however they turned out. Adorable, but 0/10.
(featured image: Kelly Toys / The Mary Sue)
Published: Feb 2, 2023 04:45 pm