And Just Like That, It Gets Worse

Sigh. Okay. I said I was gonna keep watching And Just Like That, and I meant it. Yes, there is a masochistic displeasure in seeing how far the original source material has fallen. And no, this does not mean you should have to watch it, as well.

Last week, I did my best to wrap up all the miseries and mishaps that occurred in only the first two episodes of the show’s second season. I’m disappointed, but not surprised, to announce that it’s only continuing this steady decline of bewilderment. It’s only episode 3 and we’ve already got a mess to gawk at.

So, spare yourself a viewing of your own, and allow me to do the dishonor for you, starting with perhaps the most gag-worthy bit thus far…

The MILF list (and how!)

Yeah, you read that right. A MILF list. In the year of our rabbit lord 2023. No, this isn’t South Park. This is a sequel to the once-upon-a-time-groundbreaking Sex and the City.

Charlotte York-Goldenblatt and her preppy mom friend Lisa Todd Wexley discover that a group of boys at their kids’ school have put together a list of MILFs, and instead of being normal about it, Lisa “pulls some strings” to get forwarded a copy of this list. The list arrives in her inbox during brunch with Char, Carrie, and Nya, and their Adult Women Activities and Conversations are put on hold so they can gleefully see where they’re placed. And boy, oh boy, are they stoked—stoked, I tell you—to discover that they’re at numbers two and three on the list.

But it doesn’t stop there, oh no, how could it! Later, in school, they gather with a group of similar-minded moms and wait in the hallway to see who this perpetrator is. After a few minutes of clucking and wondering, the principal releases a teenage boy and the scene literally goes into slow motion. Sexy music plays as this teen boy eyes the women, who stare back at him with full and obvious attraction.

…OH MY GOD? NO? THAT IS A CHILD???

In a series full of character assassinations left and right, one must get used to these assassinations being ultimately pointless beyond shock value, and that’s all that really happens here. At another parental meeting (because their kids don’t actually attend this school, these women just meet up to talk about it), the principal actually calls out not just the MILF list, but the moms who gleefully took part in it—as well as the ogling of said teenage boy. You can only imagine what happens next.

…nothing. Nothing happens next. The sensible Charlotte we knew—the one who wanted to have kids, not ogle them—is a thing of the past. I don’t know who or what this Charlotte is. The sort of woman who wears heels in the rain and has no personality beyond Horny Mom, I guess.

“Nay,” says Ché

The Miranda & Ché in Paradise Saga continues as our favorite hapless ex-lawyer tries to counsel her partner through their new sitcom, which Ché is growing increasingly more frustrated with. And just as we wonder, Wait, didn’t Miranda have a kid? Whatever happened to Brady?, Miranda voices our concern with her own concern that Brady is “ghosting” her.

Of course, this isn’t revisited until later in the episode, and only after Miranda visits a tattoo parlor, where she pours her heart out to a tattoo artist about how she apparently hated her old life and felt so stifled, like a robot. This artist then recommends she get a tattoo of the robot butler from The Jetsons. Again, the character assassin at large had his sights firmly set on Miranda in particular, because … that was kind of her whole thing in the original show; how she loved her job so much that it got in the way of everything else. On a phone call outside the parlor, Carrie rightly implies that Miranda’s having a mid-life crisis and should move back to New York. No, this isn’t revisited again. Just another nothingburger throwaway line.

What does eventually compel Miranda back to New York is a distressed phone call from the Boy Wonder, he lives! Brady calls her as she’s about to sit in on Ché’s taping, and he’s weeping his poor little heart out because Luisa broke up with him and he’s been trying to reach his mama while lost in Amsterdam. In full Mama Bear mode, Miranda instructs him to get back to his hostel and call her from there. And though phones aren’t allowed on the set of Ché’s show, Miranda sneaks hers in—which of course backfires supremely when Brady calls during the taping. According to everyone in the room (except Tony Danza), Miranda all but ruined a scene that was doomed from the start.

And what does Ché have to say about all this? Essentially: “SCREW YOU, YOU RUINED MY SHOW.” Oh, never mind that Miranda has a kid in crisis, and never mind that Miranda’s been supporting you through this whole thing, Ché. I understand why this would be a frustrating situation to be in, but for chrissakes, Miranda uprooted her entire life to support Ché. And thus far, Miranda has only been supportive of Ché. All the while, Ché’s been taking all kinds of lip from their production team, who talks down to them and consistently rewrites their character in ways that offend them—so for Ché to choose now, of all moments, to take their frustrations out on Miranda, of all people, is absolute jerk behavior.

And Miranda is just so goddamn apologetic about it all, you’d think she accidentally set the studio on fire! The Miranda we used to know, the one who would have never thought of herself as a robotic drone, would have told Ché right off and called it quits there and then. But then again, the Miranda we know would have never flown out to LA in the first place. At least she got back to Brady in time.

Thievery and deception abound!

It’s clear that And Just Like That is trying to fill Samantha’s role in Carrie’s life with Seema, so we’ll end with the two of them together. Both had throwaway plotlines in this episode that culminated in a moment that made the air leave my chest as though they’d sucker-punched me in my own living room.

On the one hand, Carrie’s trying so hard to record the audio version of her book (oh-so-cleverly titled Loved and Lost), yet as a former podcast producer even I found these scenes to just be so endlessly tedious. You’re telling me they couldn’t just edit out her long pauses? They had to make that poor woman read her lines over and over again until she literally faked having COVID for an entire week just to get out of living her life? Don’t get me wrong, I get why she struggled—she had to read the chapter about Big’s death. But after a certain point, the emotional weight of it is lost by how dragged-out the scenes become, especially when we’re given line gems such as, “His body looked so little, I forgot how Big he was.” Get it. Do you get it. Because his nickname was—oh, christ.

And then there’s Seema. Poor Seema. Immediately once she steps out of her apartment, her Birkin is stolen, just like that. I don’t live in NYC, so I can’t really comment as to how “realistic” it would be for an upper-class woman to get her shit rocked as soon as she leaves her upper-class apartment, but. Something tells me that simply Does Not Happen.

More to the point, Seema and Carrie later attend Carrie’s neighbor’s jewelry sale. Out of nowhere, some random guy starts pocketing all of the jewelry. They wonder if he’s an actual thief, until he walks up to them and plainly says (more or less), “I’m a thief, give me your jewelry.”

Now, does this man have a gun? A knife? Anything? No, he’s wearing a suit and is just asking for their stuff, like a kid in a candy store. Then the neighbor sees and starts shouting about how some guy is stealing her stuff. And does anything happen? Does anyone stop it? No! Chaos ensues as Carrie loudly announces her fake COVID, and then, when that‘s not enough to deter the World’s Worst Thief, Seema pulls out a lighter that looks like a gun. The man leaves, the authorities show up, and when they attempt reprimand Seema for smoking in the tent, she coolly blows smoke at them and says, “Oh, so I’m the problem.”

Woooow. You really showed them, AJLT. Really spot-on social commentary there. Anyways, Seema gets her moment again when she finds her Birkin in a bush a few days later. And then the episode ends with her and Carrie getting picked up at random by a gaggle of hot Australians. (And then Carrie actually gets COVID.)

Did we learn anything? Did we gain anything of substance at all? Not a chance, baby—just as expected. See you next week.

(featured image: HBO / VH1)