The Ten Best (at Being the Worst) DC Villains, Ranked by a Henchman

I’ve been in this business for a lotta years now, so youse can say that I’m sort of an expert when it comes to DC villains. I’ve worked for the best of the worst, from Zack Synder to the Blue Beetle marketing team. And after all my years, I can definitely say that these are the ones you definitely DON’T wanna call “boss”

10. Catwoman

Catwoman sounds like a dream gig. She mostly works solo, leaving henchmen like me to sit around and collect a paycheck. She’s also one of the most iconic female DC characters of all time. That’s something that you want on your resume. The problem with Catwoman is that she’s not really a villain at all. Sure, I get that her morally grey character choices give her “complexity” and such, but it doesn’t do good for workplace morale watching your boss flirt with the guy who broke both your legs the week before.

9. Sinestro

This guy is one of the Green Latern’s longest standing villains. You work for this guy, and suddenly people start showing you a little respect. After all, Sinestro is the man responsible for leading the Yellow Lantern Corps, whose fear-based powers are the direct antithesis to those goodie goodie Green Lanterns. Where did I learn the word “antithesis”? I’m in night school. I want be an English professor. Why? Because after watching this maniac get possessed by Parallax—the freaky fear energy alien—and nearly wipe out the Green Lantern Corps, I realized that I was in a little over my head.

8. Mr. Freeze

Oof. Mr. Freeze. What a tragedy. The only villain in the DC universe that can play your heartstrings like a damn Stradivarius. I thought this dude was another dimestore cold-themed villain, but when I heard about his wife? Yeesh. If you didn’t know, Freeze was a scientist working to develop a cure for his wife’s terminal illness. He cryogenically froze her before she could pass away, but a lab accident caused his body to need constant exposure to sub-zero temperatures in order to survive. I felt so bad for the guy I didn’t even have the heart to invoice him.

7. Poison Ivy

What is it about Batman’s Rogue’s Gallery that makes them so damn charismatic? After Catwoman, I told myself I wouldn’t get involved with them again, but Poison Ivy sucked me right back in. She’s another one of Batman’s “morally grey” ladies. Don’t get me wrong; she hates The Bat. But she’s real sweet on the ex of a certain Clown Prince of Crime. Their relationship is frankly adorable, some of the best queer representation in the DC universe. I would have stayed longer if Ivy didn’t threaten to turn me into fertilizer when I accidentally walked in on them.

6. Brainiac

In case the name didn’t give it away, this man is one sharp cookie. Like if you broke one of your mom’s chocolate chip numbers to a jagged edge and then dipped it in liquid nitrogen kinda sharp. His big brain has allowed him to become one Superman’s greatest foes. Not only that, he’s a great boss. He’s able to mind control technology, so we never once had a problem with payroll. What makes him so special? Well, his penchant for plugging in allows him to give Superman a run for his money nine times outta ten—not quite as powerful as Superman’s greatest villain, but definitely a chief competitor, Pepsi to a certain character’s Classic Coke.

5. Harley Quinn

Harley Quinn started her career as a sideshow act for one of DC’s worst, but she stepped into the spotlight herself in recent years. After emancipating herself from the clutches of a certain clown, she became a feminist icon. Hell, she was played by Margo Robbie on the big screen! If that’s not success, I dunno what is. Her relationship with Poison Ivy is perhaps one of the most interesting parts of her character, and has inspired all sorts of spinoff stories. DC’s best power couple. Hands down.

4. Reverse Flash

There are some seriously bad people on this list, but none of them, not even the damn Joker can hold a candle to the depravity of this man. This guy is so damn petty that he even went back in time to screw up poor Barry Allen’s life. Remember how Allen’s mom died in a freak accident that his dad took the fall for? Yeah, no. Reverse Flash set that whole thing up. He systematically destroys everything that the Flash holds dear because he just HATES him that much. Even the Joker has more love in his heart than this guy. Messed up, creepy love for Batman, but still love of a sort.

3. Darkseid

Darkseid is the greatest threat that the Justice League has ever faced, hands down. He’s also the greatest thing to ever happen to my bank account. I made A LOT of money working for this guy. Only quit when he told me I had to turn into a parademon in order to get a promotion. Darkseid is somewhat of a romantic nihilist, looking for a mathematical formula called the “Anti-Life Equation,” said to allow whoever possesses knowledge of it to dominate the will of any sentient life in the universe. If I had known that little detail sooner, I woulda quit earlier, no matter how good the money was. I like my life more.

2. Lex Luthor

Speaking of money, business was booming working under this financial genius. Lex Luthor is one of the greatest minds that the human race has ever produced. He’s everything that Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk wish they could be. The man made one of the most successful companies on Earth—Lexcorp—and uses his nearly infinite resources to make Superman’s life a living hell. Why? To rule the Earth and eventually the universe. The man is so powerful that HE actually offered the Anti-Life equation to Darksied, beat a universe-conquering alien warlord at his own game.

1. Joker

The darkest six weeks of my life were spent working for this madman. I would rather be locked in a room with every other villain on this list than work for this guy for a single second longer. The Joker’s got no respect for NOBODY. This maniac sees everyone as his own personal playthings, including the people on his payroll! He’ll use you as a test subject for whatever new comedy related killing contraption he’s testing out just for the yucks! And listen, there’s fireworks between Harley and Ivy, but they’re just a candle flame compared to the supernova of dark chemistry between the Clown Prince and The Bat. It’s ELECTRIC. They have one of the most intoxicatingly toxic relationships in comic book history! A hero’s story is only as great as its villain, after all, and the Joker is the greatest.

(featured image: DC Comics)