My little cousin is coming over, and I need him to think I’m cool. There’s only one solution: Fortnite toys. There’s nothing the teenyboppers of today love more than Fortnite. If that’s the case, I need only the best of Fortnite toys. These toys should do it.
1. NERF Fortnite SP-L Elite Dart Blaster
If there’s anything that my little cousins will respect me for, it’s the copious amounts of NERF firepower that I am soon to possess. This NERF Fortnite SP-L Elite Dart Blaster is at the top of my arsenal. After all, it’s ELITE. It’s not for cutesy little dart battles, it’s for winning dart VICTORIES. ROYALE VICTORIES. Just look at this thing, it looks like something that was designed by a government contractor for tactical purposes. Move over, Raytheon; NERF is cornering the market.
2. NERF Fortnite Dual Pack
I know how to gain my little cousin’s respect! By DEMANDING SATISFACTION. A duel! I choose the weapon! Pistols at 30 paces! And I shall supply the armaments with the NERF Fortnite Dual Pack. With these two pistols, my little cousin and I shall meet each other in the field of honor in my back yard. Right next to the hydrangeas, blood shall be spilled. The squirrel that gets in my birdfeeder shall be my second.
3. Nerf Fortnite Half Tone Hero Blaster
With this Nerf Fortnite Half Tone Hero Blaster, I shall be seen as a hero in my little cousin’s eyes. Look at this beautiful weapon, Smith and Wesson ought to take notes. Its hand crafted barrel is made only out of the finest plastic, with high caliber NERF bullets capable of taking down all sorts of NERF wild game! It’s practically the NERF version of a WWI trench gun. A warcrime waiting to happen.
4. NERF Fortnite Insightful Motorized Blaster
The NERF Fortnite Insightful Motorized Blaster fills me with insight! I can surmise that my little cousin will be awestruck by its design! After all, it’s motorized. It’s got moving parts. It’s practically an automatic weapon. I’m not quite sure I should be legally allowed to own this weapon. It looks like it comes with a membership to the NRA.
5. Fortnite Boogie Bomb
When dealing with horseshoes or hand grenades, “close enough” is fine. This Fortnite Boogie Bomb is certainly close enough to the real thing. I can certainly yank the pin out with my teeth while yelling “BOOGIE IN THE HOLE” and throw it into the basement where my little cousin is playing real Fortnite.
6. Peely Wireless Controller for Nintendo Switch
You know, maybe the only way to make my little cousin think I’m cool is to help him play real Fortnite, which he already thinks is cool. With this adorable Peely Wireless Controller for Nintendo Switch, he’ll be able to do just that: play more Fortnite! Look at Peely’s gooey little anime eyes! They belie not a shred of the murderous intentions one must hold in one’s hurt when playing this game!
7. NERF Fortnite 6-SH Dart Blaster
The NERF Fortnite 6-SH Dart Blaster. A fine piece of equipment. I’m pretty I saw Clint Eastwood use a machine like this in A Fistful of Dollars. It’s a revolver, the coolest of all guns. The weapon of old timey lawmen, cattle rustlers, and wandering gunfighter looking for glory. Nothing’s cooler than the Old West.
8. Fortnite 8″ Lil Whip Plush
Look at this adorable Fortnite 8″ Lil Whip Plush. My little cousin is too proud to admit it, but I’m sure that he would cherish this little guy like it was his own child! This plushie is just as sweet as the ice cream it’s made out of! And look at his little headphones that match his hoodie! His ice cream cone pants! So stylish!
9. Monopoly: Fortnite Collector’s Edition
Monopoly and Fortnite are two sides of the same coin. They are both about bringing ruin upon one’s competitors, whether it be physical or financial. And there can be only one winner, one to rule them all. Monopoly: Fortnite Collector’s Edition is the perfect collab. Both games require one to be tactical, patient, and totally devoid of mercy.
10. Fortnite RL Nerf Super Soaker
You know what’s great about the Fortnite RL Nerf Super Soaker? You never to worry about reloading it! NERF darts get lost under the couch all the time. This NERF rocket launcher? Ammo is plentiful! The shower! The kitchen sink! The garden house! Anywhere is a potential resupply! Even the gross water that runs down the middle of the alleyway! All’s fair in a super soaker battle!
11. Fortnite Supply Llama
When I think of “supplies,” the first animal I think of to provide them is not the horse, nor the ox, but the noble llama. This Fortnite Supply Llama comes fully equipped with an arsenal of guns and a cat piloting a killer robot mech suit. Because when I think of cats, the first thing I think of is “murder.” They’re really good at it.
12. Fortnite Loot Chest Collectible
There are few things in this world that feel better than the obtainment of loot. With this Fortnite Loot Chest Collectible, I can get loot all the time! With an infinite ability to provide myself with lifesaving equipment, my little cousin is sure to see that I am valuable. I’ll never be stuck with nothing but a wasp jar again.
13. Nerf Fortnite Flare Dart Blaster
Let’s say I’m in an all out NERF battle with my little cousin. I’m pinned down under heavy NERF fire. I need to signal for help. This Nerf Fortnite Flare Dart Blaster will help me do just that. With its break open design, I can easily load a dart with my trembling, battle fatigued hands. I’ll fire it into the air and know for sure that the neighborhood kids will rush to my aid. If my little cousin sees that I am surrounded by powerful allies, he’s sure to think that I’m the coolest Fortnite player of all.
