To Celebrate Steve Trevor’s Return, Here Is the Best Thing Ever Written About Chris Pine

There is only one way to express the full gamut of emotions where actor Chris Pine is concerned, and that is to show the people you know the Chris Pine pie analogy.

Five years ago on Tumblr, writer Dylan Morrison posted an explanation of Chris Pine syndrome that went viral on the site because it is perfect and true. Morrison was kind enough to give us permission to publish his poignant Pine observations in order to commemorate June 13th, 2018, the hallowed day upon which we received official word that Pine’s character Steve Trevor would appear in Wonder Woman 1984.

To set up this brilliant post, it’s important to understand that we often discuss actors and characters on social media in a hyperbolic fashion, and that up is down and down is up. So, for example, tagging a picture with an actor’s face as “I hate him” usually implies that you do not, in fact, hate him, but would run headlong into a fire in order to drag said actor free from it. With this in mind, onward to the Pine pie.

Morrison was responding to an ask on his Tumblr about why he was “hating on Chris Pine.” What follows is his explanation of the reasons one could be moved to “hate” Christopher Whitelaw Pine.

i want you to imagine you’re at a dinner party, and for dessert, your host is serving apple pie. now, you’re not really an apple pie sort of person normally — you like it from time to time, but you’re awfully picky about it, and if it’s not done just right, it’s not for you — so you pass on taking some when it gets passed around.

but then everyone else starts exclaiming about how delicious this pie is, how crisp it is, how flavorful, how amazing it was in star trek, so you take a piece just to see what all the fuss is about. and sure enough, it’s delicious. it’s so delicious, in fact, that you start asking questions about it, bothering the host for the recipe, paying a lot more attention to what a well-made pie it really is.

and then it turns out the pie studied english literature at berkeley and sometimes gets photographed reading to small children, that the pie regularly walks around in hilariously failtastic hipster-douche plaid and engages in ~intellectual competitions~ with other pies it knows, and the more you learn, the more the taste of the pie starts to curdle in your mouth.

it’s so delicious that it’s TOO delicious, and probably you’re going to have cravings for this pie now whether you want them or not and you don’t, you don’t want those cravings, you don’t even LIKE apple pie. so you try to tell yourself you don’t like it that much really, that it’s not that good, that it’s probably the sort of pie that’s a total dick in real life and not in the endearing way like it comes off in interviews either, but it doesn’t help.

it doesn’t make the pie any less fantastic, it doesn’t make you enjoy the pie any less, and you become consumed with your frustration at this fact — how dare this pie come along and make you hunger after it? how DARE this pie be so crisp and flavorful and fantastic in star trek?

HOW DARE THIS PIE GO TO MUSIC FESTIVALS WITH A SALT AND PEPPER BEARD?? — until eventually you are standing on a table in front of the whole party, an empty pie dish held over your head, screaming “WHY WOULD ANYONE EVEN MAKE THIS PIE”

and that’s why i hate chris pine.

Happy Steve Trevor returns day, friends! I know what I’m having for dessert.

(via Dylan Morrison, image: Warner Bros.)

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