Congratulations to This Man

This just in: Tucker Carlson won an award! According to his middle school class, this is the first award that Carlson has won since taking home the “Most Likely To Be Bullied” prize in his eighth grade year. Reacting to the big win, Carlson’s schoolyard bully reportedly said, “I didn’t know Sucker had it in him. I didn’t know ANYONE could be such a tool that they could actually go on to win another award like that in their ADULT LIFE. I knew he was special, but this just takes my breath away.”

It takes my breath away, too—mostly because I’ve been holding it for the past two minutes, thinking, “Release me from this flesh prison where I am forced to share a world with Tucker Carlson, please let me die let me die let me die.” I passed out from the lack of oxygen, and when I awoke I realized that I am still tethered to this earthy realm, so I decided to write this article.

Carlson’s new title come courtesy of Media Matters For America writer Matt Gertz, who said that the award was a toss-up between Carlson and Lucifer, the King of Lies himself. In the end, Gertz had to give the award to Carlson, the man whose vicious untruths have arguably led more souls astray than the Prince of Darkness in recent years.

What makes Tucker Carlson so qualified for this dubious honor?

Where do I begin? Let’s start with a scandal in recent memory: The January 6 attack on the Capitol. Tucker Carlson made the charming supposition that the attacks were nothing more than a “false flag” operation aimed to discredit Trump supporters. Oh, Tucker! Don’t you know that Trump supporters do just fine at discrediting themselves, and they don’t need anyone’s help to do so? Guess not! That’s one of the reasons why you won!

Tucker Carlson is also an adherent of the “great replacement” theory, a white supremacist screed that characterizes the call for greater diversity in the United States as an attempt to replace white people. I don’t know which is worse: the idea that Tucker Carlson thinks that America should remain a “white ethnostate” and any steps toward racial inclusion are a sign of the “end times,” or the idea that Tucker Carlson thinks that he’s replaceable at all. No one could ever take your place, Tucker! Because no one wants to. And even if they did, there isn’t a human being on this planet capable of your motor-mouthed depravity. That talent—or curse—is something entirely unique to you! That’s another reason why you’re the winner!

And don’t even get me STARTED on what Tucker Carlson has to say about trans people! He loves to blame what is arguably the most vulnerable community in the entire country for all of the nation’s “moral evils.” He even went so far as to say that the recent anti-LGBTQ shooting in Colorado Springs was caused by the LGBTQ community. He cited trans people’s “evil agenda” to “push transitioning onto children” as the reason why the attack was perpetrated in the first place, and went on to say that attacks like this are going to keep happening “until we end this evil agenda.” Oh, Tucker! Don’t you know that threatening violence against marginalized groups to further one’s political and ideological goals is perhaps the oldest “evil agenda” in history? The Nazis wrote the book on that little number, and apparently you decided to add it to your “summer reading” list! To be honest, I’m surprised that you can read in the first place! Could have fooled me! But I guess that’s just another reason why you’re the Misinformer of the Year!

And the scariest thing of all is that people are buying it!

It’s not enough to tell lies—to truly EXCEL in the “misinformer” category, you’ve gotta make people believe it. And that’s exactly what Tucker Carlson is so good at doing. He is the winner, after all! Just ask the white supremacist who went on a killing spree in Buffalo, New York while invoking the “great replacement” theory. That guy sure bought it, and now people are dead because of it. A lesser misinformer would have changed course, maybe walked a few of their talking points back. But did you do that, Tucker? Of course you didn’t! You were going for the gold! You doubled down on your statements. You claimed that you had “never heard” of the great replacement theory (which is misinformation in and of it itself, because you quote it so well), and went on to say that Democrats are still trying to “change the electorate”—meaning that they’re trying to “replace” white people with “foreigners.” And THEN, in a misinformation coup de grace that shocked the world, you took the gloves off and said, verbatim, “the great replacement—yeah, it’s not a conspiracy theory; it’s their electoral strategy.” YOU ACTUALLY HAD THE PSYCHOPATHIC GUMPTION TO NAME A WHITE SUPREMACIST THEORY ON TV AND THEN ENDORSE IT. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT. I CAN’T ACTUALLY BELIEVE IT. NEVER IN ALL MY YEARS HAVE I SEEN MISINFORMATION SPREAD SO VIRULENTLY, SO MALICIOUSLY, AND SO WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE VIOLENCE THAT WILL NO DOUBT ARISE BECAUSE OF IT.

Tucker Carlson, you are a rare breed. Like some sort of undiscovered creature that sucks the moisture from the walls of a remote cave. Eyeless, pale, gelatinous. Hopping and skittering in the dark. The stuff of nightmares. A real Lovecraftian horror. That’s you, Tucker, you earned it.

But Tucker, just when I thought you couldn’t sink any lower, you sunk. I thought it would stop at touting racist theories on TV, but then you went on to endorse actual violence—against teachers, no less. You claimed teachers who discuss “gender identity” should be “beaten up.” You told viewers that if they think a teacher is “pushing sex values” onto their kid, then they should “go in and thrash the teacher.” What a play! It’s simultaneously a physical threat against the LGBTQ community AND the education system! We’ve already had a man kill people while proclaiming the Carlson-sponsored “great replacement” theory, so what’s to prevent someone else from shooting up a school in order to stop teachers from “grooming” kids? Not Tucker Carlson, that’s who. That’s why he won an award.

And I know the perfect place where he can stick it.

(image: Janos Kummer, Getty Images)