Damn, the Original ‘Magic: The Gathering’ Sure Was Kinky

I played Magic: The Gathering once in my entire life. I was at a friend’s apartment for a game night, and someone gave me a deck to duel against three other players who had far, far more experience in Magic than I. It was a fun time, but I never thought about getting into Magic seriously. My trading card days lived and died on the middle school playground.

Now, if every single Magic card looked a bit like 1993’s Earthbind, I might change my mind. The card shows a fairy creature wrapped up in sticky binding across her ankles, wrists, thighs, torso, and neck, which, yep, definitely looks like red shibari rope. Take a look for yourself.

Goddess, I wish that were me right now, for real.

Earthbind went viral on Twitter this week after Twitter user @griph posted the card and declared to have found “what I believe is the earliest horny Magic card.” Earthbind dates all the way back to the first Magic core set, 1993’s Alpha run, which means a fair number of our older readers might remember stumbling across this set back in school and having some strange and inexplicable thoughts during your matches.

The replies quickly reminded me that Magic has, in fact, been very horny over the years. Take a look at Fire Elemental, who I probably would have asked out to prom as a teenage lesbian.

Then there’s Veteran Bodyguard, who is one handsome Daddy.

Curiosity got the better of me, so I decided to take a deep dive through the Magic forums of yore and discover whether there are other kinky cards out there from the trading card game’s first two decades. As it turns out, kink thrived in the Magic scene across the 2000s. Soul Collector from 2006’s Time Spiral set shows a femdom baddie with six masked men chained to the neck, all under her control. Goals.

The 2007 Lorwyn set also had Weed Strangle, which shows vines wrapping around a helpless woman and drawing her into the welcoming forest greenery. And 2008’s Eventide offers Cankerous Thirst, which is basically the same thing, except an evil tree is doing the bondage work to some kind of androgynous warrior hottie.

The horny has since failed to dissipate, as 2012’s Dark Ascension expansion had Chosen of Markov and Markov’s Servant for the babes who like a good D/s-themed vampire play, and Deadly Allure features a femdom seductress covered in snakes. “What could be more irresistible than death?” the card reads. She’s giving huge “I-could-tie-you-up-in-these-you-know” energy, for sure.

To be clear, it seems the wider Magic community is very aware of the game’s kinky themes. I’ve since discovered not one, but two separate BDSM-themed decks that Magic players have put together. I even found a whole discussion on the process behind building a BDSM-centric deck. And yes, Earthbind tends to repeatedly come up when people talk horny imagery in Magic.

So yes, Magic is very horny. Now if only all of the cards were like this, maybe I would finally build a Magic deck myself.

(featured image: Wizards of the Coast)