Dating In Fiction: The Difference Between Make-Believe and Reality

[Editor’s Note: This piece was originally published on Black Girl Nerds last year. It has been republished here with permission.]

When I first moved to NYC, I was convinced to believe that being single would equate to the same experiences that Carrie Bradshaw and the rest of her forty-something girlfriends had engaged in on the popular HBO series Sex And The City.  I was actually excited to NOT be in a relationship and I expected to date as many guys as possible.  I looked forward to the awkward experiences, the adventurous experiences, and perhaps even the heartbreaking experiences.  Moving to the Big Apple was my first opportunity to live on my own and feel completely independent.  I was seriously ready to take over the world.

Well that kinda didn’t happen.

Living in the big city I dated two guys, and that happened during my entire three years of living there.  The majority of my connections with guys were flakes who never returned the second phone call and online connections that somehow got disconnected and never culminated into anything more.  I felt like what the show Sex And The City taught a woman like me, career driven, educated, and a woman of color that a fictional TV show about love and relationships among privileged wealthy white women is not exactly an accurate barometer between the perception of make-believe and reality.  I moved away from the big city and into a smaller town in Wilmington, North Carolina, which other shows featuring young white characters such as Dawson’s Creek and One Tree Hill, yet again showed the single girl always getting the guy.

And usually a hot one at that.

As a single Black woman, sadly there are not enough fictional shows about experiences that mirror mine to give me some sense of why the dating world is not so kind to me.  To be fair, there are such shows that depict single Black women like Girlfriends and now Being Mary Jane, but I wonder where are the shows that can truly illustrate my experience as a single woman of color still searching for Mr. Right?  What is ironic is Mara Brock Akil’s BET series Being Mary Jane was that it was originally titled “Single Black Female”.  I watched the show the first few weeks it aired, and sadly could not get into it because the protagonist decided to settle for being in a relationship with a married man rather than embracing her integrity and fighting to stay single long enough to find Mr. Right.

Where is that story?

Is it naïve for me to yearn to see a woman in my shoes on TV so I don’t feel like I’m the only one out there having a difficult time finding a date?  Or just a decent guy who gets me and all of my idiosyncrasies?  Some may argue it’s because fiction is the world of make-believe and reality is completely different universe.  However, there are many times when I see my reality and it feels very much like fiction.  When I plug-in to social media and peruse through my Facebook account, it is inundated with images of wedding photos, newborn babies, anniversary trips, and those early courtship photos you take when you’re in the embryonic stage of a new relationship.  I immediately gag when I log into Facebook, which accounts for the reason why I’m barely on there.

So here I am approaching an age where my child rearing years will be due to expire and I have not yet met the right guy.  I may hold a bit of accountability for that given the fact that I am introvert, rarely make eye contact, and have a higher standard than most in what I want in a man.  I’m not all too interested in dating a man with children and I know that limits my options substantially.  If the guy is someone who is charming enough and doesn’t have the drama that comes with having an ex when a child is involved, then perhaps my perception will change.  However, at this point, I truly do want to find a guy who is single, never married, and without kids just like me.  Why is that so difficult and why is that too much to ask for?  I’m literally wading in the shallow end of the dating pool, and it’s a kiddie-sized pool at that.

I just want to see a story on  TV about a brown girl like me who is having a trying time finding the right guy that matches her personality and suits her needs.  Perhaps if I did see a girl like that, I may have a sense of feeling like my world is not that unique.  When society, mainstream media, and social media tell you that you should be married with kids at your age and you’re not, you can’t help but feel a bit of a disconnect from reality.  I feel like my world is in fact the world of make-believe.  Now I just need to wait for Mr. Rogers to come out in his tan cardigan sweater and sing “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?”

Jamie Broadnax is the writer and creator of the niche blogsite for nerdy women of color called Black Girl Nerds. Jamie has written for Madame Noire and was named part of The Grio’s Top 100. In her spare time, she enjoys live-tweeting, reading, writing, and spending time with her beagle Brandy.

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