Allons-y, Make Way for This Year’s “Official Pathetic Loserman!”

You may have noticed there’s a new trend amongst fans of all kinds of media. Whenever there’s a little sad sack of a man, people will start calling him their “poor little meow meow”—their little baby loser boy, if you will. In other words: a Pathetic Loserman.

And after a series of similar polls conducted on Twitter, a user named Jess decided to pool together everyone’s collective love of these sad little men and decide who’s the biggest loser of them all. And after a very animated week of deliberation, the results are in:

Y’all, lemme tell ya, I only just got into Disco Elysium, and it’s occupied every little corner of my brain, so to see these results all over my feed was nothing short of euphoric. Harry, you swashbuckling sycophant, you did it!!!

In case you have no idea who Harry Du Bois (née Raphaël Ambrosius Costeau) is, he is the protagonist of Disco Elysium, an RPG where you assume the role of a detective solving a murder. But you’re not just any detective—you’re also finely attuned to the vibes of events going on around you, and you have a knack for solving things seemingly out of nowhere, and with the confidence of no one.

In other words, you’re the best goddamn loser who’s ever rocked the block. It’s glorious. You meet Harry after waking up from the most apocalyptic bender of All Time, face-down ass-up, wearing nothing but your soiled underwear. This bender has rendered you entirely new to the world, not knowing who you are, what city you’re in, or even what a book is.

By all accounts, Harry is a hollow wreck of a man, charming at best and nauseatingly dumpy at worst. He’s not actually a threat, but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t make people feel wildly uncomfortable. The Harry who passes skill checks will solve the case with style. The Harry who doesn’t will be the sort of man who asks women if he can “have fuck” with them, shoots himself in the mouth to prove a point, and gets a heart attack from having children bully him too much.

Harry Du Bois is a perfect specimen, one whom I love very, very much, if only because goddammit, he may be a Pathetic Loserman, but he’s MY Pathetic Loserman! What I think helped him clinch it ahead of the competition is the fact that Harry feels like a pretty real person, in the sense that there’s no end to depressed, drugged-out alcoholics who’ve had their hearts broken by both women AND the failed Communist revolution. And part of why we all love Harry, despite his cringe and his faults, is that he reminds us of ourselves, yet he keeps getting up and trying. You can’t help but root for a guy who nearly dies just getting his tie down from the ceiling fan, but decides that he’s gonna keep it moving anyways. That’s a loser I can get behind.

If you’re curious about who else was leading the polls, here’s the semi-final bracket:

I personally have no idea who Nero Tol Scæva is, but of course he lost. Look at him. Even if he is a loser, he’s still got that Anime-Boy panache that’s probably got people making nasty-ass porn of him somewhere on the internet. I’m surprised he even got this far, especially compared to Reigen Arataka or Saul Goodman, both of whom would have been excellent competition for our boy Harry.

All in all, though, these rankings are hilarious, and the choices in losers are god-tier. I highly recommend going through the rationale cards for each entry. To provide an example, here’s one of my personal favorites: my sweet, stinky, sewer-dwelling socialist from Dragon Age, Anders, who is undeniably an absolute loser but still has my entire heart.

What brings me the most joy, though, is this is just one of a plethora of similar “competitions” that hopefully have staying power. As seen below, there’s also the Official Video Game Sexyman Awards, as well as the Ultimate Girlboss Awards. Both winners—Pyramid Head and Dianna Agron—earned those titles in spades, and it gives me hope that the people apparently have such good taste.

That said, if I had the chance to establish my own winners, then Red Dead Redemption 2′s Arthur Morgan would be the Sexyman (because obviously), and my own dog would be the Girlboss (because she always smells like vomit—yaass queen!). But Harry is the indisputable king of Losermen, and if you think otherwise, well, you’re wrong. Sucks to suck, I guess.

In any case, it seems like they’re doing quarterly awards, so I’m curious to see what the next one is, and I hope they become annual affairs. Who would you have personally voted for? Let us know in the comments!

(featured image: ZA/UM)